I am not enjoying my holiday

[openerofjars]

I have namechanged for this. I think I'm pretty much posting to get stuff off my chest, but any advice kindly meant is welcome. Please don't flame, I feel really crap at the moment.

I feel like DH & I are on the verge of breaking up. We communicate by snapping at each other: I think he is very critical and he thinks I am oversensitive. I don't think he does enough around the place and spends more time playing games on his phone or computer than he does with DS or me. He thinks I am always nagging him and won't give him any free time to relax. I am off sex and have no libido. I am also being investigated for possible endometriosis as I have permanent abdominal pain and very heavy periods. I also have 4 mouth ulcers so I can't even kiss. We are trying to sell our house and have been since March.

DH doesn't think we need couples counselling. I feel like we've come to the end. I have tried to talk with him about our relationship but he always says he thinks it is okay, that we are in a bad patch. I cannot remember the last day when I didn't cry.

I feel like someone I love has died.

I think I am also mourning the second child DH and I will probably never have. I am 33 so, realistically, my son will be an only child if DH and I split up, unless DH finds someone else.

We are just at the end of two weeks on holiday together and I am so relieved that we are going back to work next week. I never want to go on holiday with DH ever again. We have argued every day. The other night we were scoring points off each other and he called me an obnoxious biitch and he was right, I was being horrible. He is not abusive, really he isn't. We are just in a situation where we can't talk to each other civilly.

I don't know how to talk to him to tell him that I feel this low about our marriage. I keep wishing we weren't married. We both forgot our anniversary this year. We have been married 4 years. We forgot it last year too.

Help.

Oh dear couldn't let this go unanswered as you sound so low. There seems to be a lot going on here- your health, dh behavior,house sale, future plans (not sure I would be quite so negative about no
More family at 33) that it's hard to know what to say. If dh won't try counselling is there any other way you can have time as a couple to break the cycle of you taking care of ds and dh doing computer stuff . Can a friend or family babysit so you can have a night out?

Night out in sense of maybe can try to talk , see whether can make any break through without arguing

Oh, poor you :( The possible endo and the mouth ulcers really can't help. I find it very hard to be pleasant and nice when I am in pain. I think most people do.

Is there anything about your DH that you still like - that reminds you of how he was when you first met? If you take a step back and try to look at him as if you were meeting him for the first time - would you like him at all?

I also wouldn't be so negative about no more children at 33. Well, I hope not, because I am also 33 and desperately want another child - keep having miscarriages but am telling myself that 33 is still young - please agree with me!!

I had my first child at 38, so if the worst came to the worst and you did split up, there probably is time for you, don't rule yourself out that quickly.

when did this lack of communication start? a holiday will only intensify things, not alleviate them, so if there was something brewing, being flung together 24hours a day for 2 weeks, will not help paper over it.

Try talking when you are not stressed and on each others last nerve. let it calm down a little. apologise for any behaviour you feel was out of order, and take it from there.

You both do have an awful lot going on, a night out may be a good idea to break the cycle.

My oh and I always say he is critical and I am over sensitive. I must say I never really enjoy a holiday with him and the family, being together 24/7 is very hard work. We were on hol a couple of weeks ago and I noticed how many couples were arguing whilst on holiday. I do think alot of couples struggle on holiday esp if things were crap before you went. If you feel like someone has died that must mean you feel very sad. In my relationship when I feel down everything oh does gets on my nerves, I can sit there and think I don't think I love you anymore but then as time goes on we start to get along better and things are ok. Relationships go in cycles, no one gets on all of the time. From what you say it seems like you have a good idea whats going on in your relationship, how about sitting down and asking him how he is feeling and seeing if you can find some common ground, somewhere to start working together from. I doubt he wants you to be unhappy, just as you don't want him to be its in both of your best interests to try. Maybe try and invest sometime in improving your life, friends, interests, hobbies etc rather than focusing on your relationship then you can come back to it when you might feel a bit better generally. I am not sure if any of that helps but I am sure lots of us out there know how you feel x

Endo can make getting pregnant very difficult, but it can be cured! I had it and was cured, my 19 year old is proof of that! :)

And if you're only 33, you still have a good 10 years to have a child (I know of a woman who had 2, one at 41 and one at 43).

But the other problem is the relationship with your husband of course, he sounds very selfish, I really do hope he will see the merits of couples counselling!

Please take good care of yourself! I think your health is your nr. 1 priority now, both for you and your DS.

Thanks, all, for your lovely and FAST replies! I love MN for being the place where you can go to talk and know that some kind people will be there with wise words.

Poppy, thank you. I think a night out is a good idea. We have been talking about it, but the next one will.be DH's birthday at the end of next month, so maybe after that.

Starkadder, I keep asking myself questions like that but I'm scared of the answers: I'm not sure I'd fancy him if I met him in a bar, but we have so much history and he's the father of my lovely boy. I'm not sure Icm that keen on who he is right now, but then I can hear him talking to our toddler, who won't go to sleep, and he is being so sweet and patient. He is a good father and can be a good husband, I admit it.

I'm not sure when we stopped talk properly, but the advice about holidays intensifying problems really helps, and actually makes me feel less guilty about it. I've been feeling that we should be having this fantastic time because it's a holiday, and I actually feel a bit relieved.

Oh god yes, holidays are NOT always nicer than real life! Especially if you're worried about stuff, because it just gives you more time to worry and take it out on each other.

Good father is excellent :) Good husband even better.

I think the advice is good. Don't put too much pressure on yourselves. Try and say something nice to each other, or do something nice for each other, just once every day, that's quite enough if you ask me. Maybe start off by telling him you think he's such a good father. He might say something nice back :)

How does one start a conversation like this, though? "DH, I feel that things have been going badly for a while...", "We need to talk about our relationship...", or what? I am stumped as to where to start. I hate to spoil a good mood with a difficult conversation but it's obviously not going to go well if we're already fighting.

I just remembered, I tried to talk about stuff while we were out for drinks for my birthday but he didn't want to talk in public. Any suggestions?

My reply's got little to do with your relationship. You health sounds well & truly fucked. Make another doctor's appointment and take along a list of EVERYTHING that's wrong, whether or not you feel they're connected.

Also get your teeth checked! A random decaying tooth can cause various systemic infections - and mouth ulcers.

Mouth ulcers are a symptom of general ill-health (excepting certain unusual disorders) so put them on your list and start taking a high-strength vitamin & mineral supplement. Mine go away when I take more B and C vitamins.

It's quite possible you are "over sensitive", since endometriosis is closely bound up with your hormone functions. Of course, DH's response is unhelpful - if you're feeling upset or narked, he'll get a better outcome by giving you some sympathy. That's tricky for a man to take on board, though - ask any bloke whose previously-serene partner came over all "moody" during IVF or thyroid treatment! Push your doc for an endocrinology consultation.

Possibly not the reply you were hoping for, but please don't dismiss it out of hand.

A bit extra: Make sure your supplement provides the full set of minerals. Another common cause of ulcers is zinc deficiency - which also leads to low libido. And ask your doc for a muscle relaxant to ease the menstrual contractions, it's far more effective than analgesics.

"You health sounds well & truly fucked." Yes I agree - but politically, try to keep this separate from relationship discussions.

The temptation is for him to say "my OH has been a mardy old cow because of her heavy periods - cuh! women eh!" or similar ways in which he could be let off the hook.

YOur health may or may not be contributory to your problems with DH. Definitely get yourself checked out as a separte project.

I don't believe health is a separate issue. It affects relationships, and relationships affect health.

Your relationship sounds very similar to mine, I have times where I cannot see a future and think I cannot go on. Then my PMT ends and I realise that I am in part to blame and I can be over sensitive . I am not saying this is true of your situation, but while my DH is a wonderful father and husband I do sometimes need to say to him things like 'right now I need your sympathy' and 'please listen and be kind and supportive'. I realised a long time ago that he will only give me what I need when I outright ask him for it. It goes against my natural instincts though .

Am alarmed by fuckedness of health! I've always been prone to mouth ulcers and this pain thing has been going on for over a year, since my periods came back after having my son, so it's background IYSWIM. I totally accept the idea of health & relationships being interconnected: how could they not be? But I hate continually saying "not in the mood, in pain" - it sounds whiny and like an excuse, even if it is true. The poor man gets desperate for some physical contact, hence the mouth ulcers being the icing on the asexual cake.

I like the idea of asking.directly for specific support; that could be a goer.

He has been lovely today, and generally we have got on well, despite it being the travelling home day of our holiday. We have only argued once.

Thank you all for your suggestions: you have all given me such a lot to think about.

Also, zinc? Will have a look on the side of my value vitamins.

HI there - sorry to be late coming back. I do think the health thing is a contributory factor as well.

I have had a large endometrioma (ovarian cyst) removed in the last 6 months, which until they took it out, caused me constant, although minimal, pain. It might be coming back now as well..grr...anyway, the reason I mention it is because the pain, although minimal for me (I don't know how bad yours is) really worried me and stressed me - it made it very difficult to relax, because it was constantly there - and I was worried about what it meant, if I'd have to have an operation, if it would mean I couldn't have more children....blah blah blah. The worrying was much worse than the operation turned out to be, actually. And all of the worrying meant that I was VERY rarely in the mood for physical contact - I was just too wound up and stressed, and therefore snappy. And then I felt guilty as well on top of all of that. And poor DH was obviously rather frustrated, and didn't really understand what was going on.

So - I agree - try and get the health issues sorted out and in the meantime be kind to yourself and each other - I seriously think just a few nice compliments to each other every now and again make a really big difference. I think they kind of open the door to communication. And I also agree - try and tell him openly you need for you to be kind to each other. Goes both ways. You basically need him to help you feel less stressed and wound up, but it's hard for him to do that because he is also probably stressed and wound up, and defensive, because he thinks you don't find him attractive any more. It is so difficult and you have my sympathy!!

Good luck :)

starkadder, thanks so much, and I hope your abdomen problem isn't coming back. You've obviously been through so much yourself and the way you have expressed it is exactly how I'm feeling.

I have my consultant appointment tomorrow and I'm going to mention the mouth ulcers as well as ask to have my coil removed. I'm wondering whether I may be anaemic: I get dizzy sometimes when I'm on my period, esp this month.

DH has been great today. I have Ben having really nasty pains and he took DS out with him to do a big shop, bless him. I got the afternoon in bed with a hot water bottle and a book. It was heaven.

I spoke to him about being more straight with him when I need help or support and he said he would love that as mind-reading is not his strong point. So I'm going to give it a go.

starkadder, thanks so much, and I hope your abdomen problem isn't coming back. You've obviously been through so much yourself and the way you have expressed it is exactly how I'm feeling.

I have my consultant appointment tomorrow and I'm going to mention the mouth ulcers as well as ask to have my coil removed. I'm wondering whether I may be anaemic: I get dizzy sometimes when I'm on my period, esp this month.

DH has been great today. I have been having really nasty pains and he took DS out with him to do a big shop, bless him. I got the afternoon in bed with a hot water bottle and a book. It was heaven.

I spoke to him about being more straight with him when I need help or support and he said he would love that as mind-reading is not his strong point. So I'm going to give it a go.

Bugger, how did that happen?

Glad things are going a little better, i have been away and wanted to respond as I have endometriosis too.

It is horrible when you are in pain a lot of the time, also I wouldn't be at all surprised if being on the coil is affecting your mood, I have read of lots of cases where it makes women feel miserable. I was on hormone treatment for 6 months for the endo and for most of the time didn't care about anything, and even when I go on the pill I feel a lot lower than I do when not on it.

I have also been having accupuncture sessions. They have had no impact whatsoever on the period pain, but seem to improve my mood enormously, if you can afford them then do give it a go.

Also you are probably really fragile thinking about endo all the time and ttc. I'm in good health at the minute, but find that DH struggles to provide the support that I need because Endo is ongoing and not a one off thing.

You don't mention what age your DS is, ours is 4 and going on holiday is hard work. I find that I need to put my foot down and claim time to relax as DS likes me to play games with him all the time, but knows not to bother Daddy so much.

Don't do anything rash, concentrate on getting your physical problems sorted out in the short term.

:) thanks jars. I can't feel it (mine) at all today or yesterday and so, of course, I have been in a good mood and a much nicer wife and mother..! I'm glad things are going better for you. Our poor men..they do want to help but they don't always know how.

Yep, if there's something I've learned in my relationship with DH, it's that I have to ask for what I want from him. Like someone said, it's not what I'm used to, but it works.

Well, I had my appointment today and the consultant doesn't think it is endometriosis BUT! she took my coil out there and then, yippee! I feel so much better in my head, even if I'm still achy in the abdomen. I've got another appointment in November to see if removing the coil has helped. She said that she thinks it might be bowel related but not to freak out as this might settle down anyway with the coil gone or be able to be controlled by diet. Or, as she said, I might get pg...

I am not really considering that as an option as I want to get the house move done and have a bit of calm and stability at home before we have another child, and also do some serious work on my marriage. But I shall start taking folio acid jic.

I'm so grateful for all your insights and kindness: you have really helped me to get a grip on this situation. I know I don't have things magically sorted out but I have some strategies and ideas I can try. Thank you.