A friend...your opinion.

[purplepeony]

I have a very long standing ( 30 years) friend and she is a close friend.

However, I don't know at times whether to speak my mind or be tactful.

She is often brutally blunt with me and has had me in tears before- relationship issues etc.

Basically, there are times increasingly when I think she has lost the plot with life and perspective.

She has no kids by choice, and her DH earns a fortune. He spends a lot of time overseas which is mainly why their marriage- which is not great- survives, she is unhappy but won't leave for whatever reason. She doesn't know why she won'tleave and after 5 years of counselling when they counsellor ( very unprofessionally) advised her to leave him, she can't.

The point is she is always complaining that she is stressed- she has no children, no job, a cleaner though she lives alone most of the time, but for over 20 years she has looked after her mum who has severe depression and ill health.

I am supportive of her but I have lots of other friends ( we are at that age now) who have elderly parents to look after, 3 kids and a dog as well and not so much money.

Her biggest "problem" at the moment is how to fit-in looking for a 2nd home overseas ( for a cool £250 000+)around her mother's needs. ( mother has a carer 3x a day and friend's brother is in the same house, thoug hhe is useless TBH.)

I'm not envious of her money ( though we all know a bit more is nice) but I just think she has lost perspective a bit.

Apart from visiting her mum, roughly 3 times a week, ( and yes, there has been a lot of stress and strain w ith her being in hospital lately)she spends her time seeing friends and looking after herself with keep fit, massages etc etc.

I really do still like her as a friend, but I can't help think that she is on another planet now compared to how most of us live and wonder how long I can bite my tongue.

Opinion of what?

Whether I tell her that she is very fortunate compared to lots of people and that she shouldn't moan constantly!

Her life sounds shit TBH. What is it that you want to say to her?

it's not unprofessional for a counsellor to suggest someone leave an unhappy relationship, unless they are asking them to leave to be with them!

if she is stressed then could she go see her gp?

Why would you tell her? What do you think it would achieve? Why not ask her what she would like to do or what she thinks would make her happy?

It's a tricky one. It really depends on how much you like this friend, how difficult you find the situation and how willing you are to bite your lip!

I have two very good friends who I sometimes think live in cloud cuckoo land. Both single, childless, wealthy and with seemingly endless time to devote to themselves - their looks, wardrobes, holidays, social lives etc. Both often having 'dramas' and 'crises' which I (being a mother, working and^ studying, running a house, looking after an ill parent and a child with SN etc) just don't always feel I have the energy or patience to deal with.

However, I have learned to bite my lip, because I do love them both very much. And I do remember that before my life was so complicated, my problems did seem very real and very serious to me, even if in retrospect they seem petty.

I let off steam by having a little moan to my DH or other mum friends about them sometimes, but on the whole, I stay friends with them because we have history and we love each other.

PYT thanks- you seem to see it and know what it's like.

Sorrento- we have talked for years about what she would like. This amounts to a different husband, but she doesn't have the courage or whatever it is to leave. That's why I think it's mad to even think about buying another house- I have told her that and she says she would keep it as part of the settlement.

skidoodly- I get frustrated because she has it in her power to make changes but she won't.

Her husband is a cold fish, but recently he has been describing her as bitter, twisted and spoilt. That's not quite true but there is an element of truth in it. I have run out of patience listening to how she is so unhappy with im- she has been so for 20 years-and as they are loaded, leaving him is possible financially, which for many women it isn't or they stay for the money.

She has no commitments except her mum, masses of time to herself, and money to make life easy, and the one thing she can change- her DH-she won't.

Sorry- just off loading a bit. I would like to talk to her more openly instead of being simply sympathetic.

She does sound unhappy. There's not much very meaningful in her life, is there?

But I don't see that anybody can change that but her, sorry.

YABU to tell her she's fortunate and to shut up.

You would not be unreasonable to try to find out why she's genuinely unhappy and help her to find out what would make her happier - that's what a true friend would do.

She doesn't appear to know she's born does she?

she clearly has far too much time on her hands...

TBH, PP you can only try and help her for as long as you can, but if it gets to be too much frustration, take a step back.

What are you getting out of this friendship? She sounds like all she does is bend your ear.

Thing is, she doesn't need to leave him, she only has to put up with him while he is there. When he retires it might become more interesting!....

I feel for you PP, that all sounds very draining.

She has property, and money. Everything else sounds utterly awful.

If you say something about her stuff, and how lucky she is to have it, she will (quite rightly IMO) not understand why you can't see that things are awful for her.

Believe me, once you get the idea that someone else is more interested in your money than you are, it's hard to see them in the same way.

It's a strange double standard we have. If people haven't got much, it isn't important - happiness matters more: this is a virtue. If the balance changes, suddenly it's all about the stuff, and the person with more doesn't seem to be allowed to be unhappy for non-financial reasons.

I'd say there's a lot she could change other than her DH.

About the only thing in her life she can't change is her responsibility to her mother.

I can see why it frustrates you, it just seems like she's pissing her life away. If she was happy being rich and bored and pointless then that would be one thing, but she's not.

It seems like such a waste :(

Have you ever suggested things to her (other than leaving her DH) that might give her life a bit more purpose?

Maybe if she was happier she'd find it easier to leave him.

fluffles - I don't think you have read anything I wrote. I have listened to her for 20 years and more. I spend hours each week listening to her and being sympathetic.

skidoodly- I have suggested she gets a job and does some voluntary work- she did the latter, but refuses to work saying they don't need the money and she is too busy. However, a few weeks back she did have a re-think and was talking about finding a purpose.

The thing is though UnePrune that someone with so much money that they can afford not to work has pretty much endless opportunities to do rewarding, exciting, important, fulfilling stuff with all that free time.

That she is choosing not to do that is a problem entirely of her own making.

Yes I can see that.
She sounds really depressed.
It's infuriating when you have advice to give and you try to give it and it's ignored (I have a friend like this) but she sounds quite incapable of doing so.

Also: you don't magically get self-confidence and clarity by being able to afford free time.

well if she's beginning to piss you off maybe you should tell her what you think.

no, i think you have me wrong...

i didn't mean you had to listen more... i meant you should try to help her find out why she's so unhappy.

what i mean is.. don't tell her the 'harsh truth' because she 'doesn't know she's born' or somehow to put her in her place or show her how easy her life really is..

but if you think that being harsh would GENUINELY help her, then do it..