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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

put in a box when it suits him

18 replies

everton · 28/08/2010 14:11

After wanting to be together for many years my partner and I are both now seperated from previous partners but only six months ago. He still has family weekends away, sometimes in hotels sometimes at families houses. He says they sleep apart but im not sure. I agree that family days out are still important for the children, but is 4 nights away excessive ? am i just expecting too much too soon. Also when he is away im not allowed to txt and he doesn't txt. Am i being unfair or is he just getting the best of both worlds ?

OP posts:

Hassled · 28/08/2010 14:14

How sure are you that his ex-partner actually knows she's an ex? Am I right in understanding you to mean he spends 4 nights a week with his ex, during the course of which you don't communicate?

I think you know how much this stinks. He's having his cake, eating it and then having seconds.

ThatDamnDog · 28/08/2010 14:14

Do you trust him? It doesn't sound like it.

fuschiagroan · 28/08/2010 14:14

Are you sure he has separated? It doesn't sound like it. Why are you 'not allowed' to text?

HecateQueenOfWitches · 28/08/2010 14:15

i would imagine it's not as over as he's telling you!

Perhaps the best thing would be for you to take control and tell him to get in touch when he is free to be with you openly and honestly and there are no restrictions.

booyhoo · 28/08/2010 14:16

it doesn't sound like you have him at all. i would end it until he can commit to you. it sounds like he is getting the best of both.

AlgebraRocksMySocks · 28/08/2010 14:20

sorry sounds dodgy to me :(

AlgebraRocksMySocks · 28/08/2010 14:22

oh, and if they are really separated (doesn't sound like it) it is actually quite cruel to the children to be going on trips all together (even if sleeping apart) - it must be very confusing for them.

has he mentioned CSA payments? presumably they would've sorted that out...

booyhoo · 28/08/2010 14:24

algebra, if he is spending 4 nights a week with them would he even be eligible to pay child maintenance?

AlgebraRocksMySocks · 28/08/2010 14:29

oh I see what you mean - don't know the rules. I just meant, if they have officially separated surely the subject of maintenance would've come up even if he's not paying? and if it hasn't, that very strongly implies they are still together.

booyhoo · 28/08/2010 14:31

yes i know what you mean but if he is staying there 4 nights then the wife wouldn't be able to have any csa paid to her (i don't think). but tbh it doesn't sound like they rae truly separated.

DuelingFanjo · 28/08/2010 14:32

what would happen if you sent texts anyway. I'd try it and see.

AlgebraRocksMySocks · 28/08/2010 14:38

just reread OP, and you 'aren't allowed to text' - how can you accept that?!

dignified · 28/08/2010 16:06

Bollocks. I bet his wife doesnt know about you, because if she did i doubt shed be having trips away with him. Its more likeley she veiws it as a bit of time apart, shes probably breaking her back to make these visits and overnight trips nice in the hope of saving her marriage.

And as for not allowed to text, i think you need to examine why you have allowed somebody to keep you a secret, you shouldnt be anyones secret.

Esmediamond · 28/08/2010 16:29

"it is actually quite cruel to the children to be going on trips all together (even if sleeping apart) - it must be very confusing for them."

Sorry but I don't agree with that AT ALL. My ex and I take the dc away and all have a great time. I think it is really healthy for them to see that Mum and Dad are not together but are good friends and like to do things with them together. Although neither of us have other partners.

FWIW though OP, I think one of three things is happening here. They are handling this in a very mature way and really are having weekends away together for the kids sake (though I doubt it after only 6 months and you should be allowed to text him) OR his wife is desperate to keep the relationship going so going along with it all hoping he will change his mind OR she doesn't know about you.

Basically you both had an affair and this is now it turned out. Nice.

TheCrackFox · 28/08/2010 16:35

It sounds to me like he hasn't broken up with his wife at all. He is stringing you both along. I would dump him ASAP.

AlgebraRocksMySocks · 29/08/2010 21:05

oh ok esme glad it works for your family. I'm sure it can after the dust has settled. I just thought if they had literally just broken up, it might confuse them - basically saying "mummy and daddy don't want to be together anymore" and then going away together soon after, for a young child that could be really bewildering.

LittleMissHissyFit · 29/08/2010 22:50

He's cheating on you WITH HIS WIFE!

SolidGoldBrass · 29/08/2010 23:27

You've only been 'with' him for 6 months, so it is possible that he doesn't (yet) regard you as his partner and is taking things slowly WRT introducing you to his DC (which is something people are quite often advised to do).

However, it does sound a bit like he's Not That INto You or at least not as keen on the relationship as you are.

Flip