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Original poster

How do you get back the couple you used to be

12 replies

Sarahsmile · 27/08/2010 23:12

Hi,

Been with my DP for nearly 10 years and have a DS who is 4... he has changed so much over the years I sometimes feel like it living with a flat mate instead. Feel we dont have that much in common.. apart from DS but how do you get that spark (or something ) back... when we met felt he was my complete soulmate (yes I know cheesy) but was so happy and had a great sex life.... but now feel every day is like that Film Groundhog Day and apart from DS to talk about nothing much else just the usual house, jobs etc.. He is a good man but now feel is this it now? Does anyone else feel like this... feel like I put on an act that have this lovely house, job, like etc but inside feel like screaming NO!!! Any ideas on how to get the spark back

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarahsmile · 28/08/2010 15:51

Anyone?

OP posts:
sleepychunky · 28/08/2010 16:19

I was going to post an almost identical message last night. We've been together 13 years, married 8, 2 DCs. DH does shift work and I work full time Mon-Fri so we often don't see each other very much in the space of a week, and when we do it's always the kids or the house or something else we talk about, or we end up having a row over something really little because we're both so tired.
I wish I had an answer, but that's why I was going to post last night - to see if anybody could help - so I'll be watching with interest. I want to feel like I did years ago but it just isn't there at the moment.

CheekyLittleSox · 29/08/2010 11:29

you need to work at things. Sit down and tell each other how you feel. Iv being with my husband 5 years in October, married 4yrs in December. things happened quickly for us and i want to get back to the couple we was when we first met. After our children my sex drive went down hill. I have problems with sex hurting so it can make me nervous to do it because of the pain.

I love him with all my heart and i hope he loves me too. You have to work at things. the only time we ever really argue is because of money and thats a factor in most marriages espeically in ours. Work at it and see what the outcome is.

LadyLapsang · 29/08/2010 11:51

Realistically you are never going to be that younger, newly in love, childless couple again.

Relationships change over time, that's normal. Doesn't mean you can't have a good relationship though.

Few ideas:

Switch the TV off;
Book a babysitter and go out as a couple;
Have time alone / with friends having fun;
Don't spend all your time working or on chores / DIY;
Have some fun days out as a family;
Try something new - whether you walk to work through the park, eat at a new restaurant, read a new author - get out of the 'same old' mindset.

If things don't improve, tell him and may be get some counselling.

BelleDameSansMerci · 29/08/2010 12:00

I think it depends what the real problem is. If it's just the drudgery of day to day life and familiarity, I think it's quite easy to find a way back in the ways LadyLapsang has recommended.

If, however, there is any simmering resentment or anger under the surface for either of you it will take a bit more and you'll have to face up to the real problems first. I'm posting this from personal experience. It's really hard to just forgive someone and move on unless you know that they're working at improving things too.

mumblechum · 29/08/2010 12:00

I agree with Lady Lapsang. We've been together 20 years and have been in exactly the place you describe when our kids were little, but got through it by always putting our relationship first for some of the time, eg we went to Tuscany for a week every year without the kids for 5 years running and it sort of recharged the relationship batteries, although never for more than a month or so.

Yesterday we got back from a two week holiday without kids. Our youngest is in the States for 3 weeks (he's 15) with a friend. We worked out that we've never before had two weeks alone together even before we had childrlen, and it turned out to be a sort of second honeymoon, but not planned that way. We stayed in a very romantic cottage in the grounds of a 5 star hotel, so could use the hotel pool, spa etc.

We didn't have one single argument which is a bleeding miracle for us Grin.

You absolutely must put your relationship with each other above your children occasionally, even if it's just an evening out where you agree not to mention the children. That forces you to talk to each other properly.

LadyLapsang · 29/08/2010 22:52

Oh mumblechum, it wasn't the beautiful dovecote at Le Manoir was it? I've always thought that looked wonderful.

mumblechum · 30/08/2010 02:27

No, it was Bovey Castle in Devon, but shall Google the dovecot - our anniversary weekend is coming up in October and we always go somewhere special [spoilt wife emoticon]

dejavuaswell · 30/08/2010 09:59

We both realised that the children moving on (and indeed out) was a great opportunity rather than the threat it orginally seemed to be.

We do far more things together, don't talk about the kids or the house or work nearly so much and have gone back to doing my all time all star favourite way of spending time (see thread on caning Grin)like we did as newly weds.

The last few months has been one of the best times of my life.

Hassled · 30/08/2010 10:06

I think if you're looking to recreate the pre-child relationship you had then you're setting yourself up for a huge disappointment. You're not those people anymore - you've changed, your life has changed. What you can find instead is a relationship that's just as good, and often better - but it's pointless wanting it to be the same.

You need a bit of quality time on your own. It may seem like more hassle than it's worth to sort babysitters etc but you have to put the effort in.

iambach · 30/08/2010 10:22

could have written your post also, as a few others have said

iambach · 30/08/2010 10:34

i was married before to a man who i just had a complete personality clash with. Our relationship was never easy, we had a child and then when he was a few months old i couldn't take anymore and left.

i met my present husband then and probably in hindsight i was in no place to enter a new relationship. I was an emotional wreck.

We very quickly had two more kids and last year he asked me to marry him. He asked and asked, did the romantic proposal.

i explained to him marriage meant nothing to me, i was with him because i wanted to be and that was more important to me but he went on about how nice to be abkle to call me his wife and eventually i thought i was being selfish and decided if it was that important for him i would do it.

TBH since i said yes it all went down hill. I was left to do EVERYTHING once the invites went out. He wanted all his family, i wanted just him and i, but i let him decide then i was left to do it all. I almost backed out many times.

Since then we have had at least three major issues that to be honest if i had somewhere to run, id have run.

Its not like we have any big issues, he treats me well but we have problems enough that i am not happy and i know he feels it.

life is never easy. Each day as it comes for me. Hope it gets better. Probably worse before it gets better which is often the case.

Im just not great at pretending.Sad

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