Webcam etiquette

[BertieBotts]

I nearly posted this earlier in the week, but chickened out... as it's Friday, I thought what the heck

Firstly I know that a lot of people here can't see the attraction of cybersex at all, I don't want to start a debate on whether it's good or not, just this one aspect I need advice on.

I have been seeing someone on a casual basis. We can't meet up as often as we would like (mainly due to my DS, TBH) so we fairly often chat on msn and sometimes use webcams.

The first time we spoke on webcam, it was fun, we just used it to talk to each other and it was fun to see each other actually laughing, smiling etc instead of just saying "lol" or something.

Anyway, inevitably it progressed into cyber-flirting and cyber-sex type territory. I like doing this with the right person, kind of the thrill of imagining your fantasies, putting it into words, etc, and seeing what they write as well. I do find this part enjoyable. I like going on webcam as well for the reasons mentioned before - visual feedback of emotions, body language etc.

But - this is my big thing - why do men seem to think that all I want to look at is their cock?? I don't - it's nice to -ahem- have the feedback that they like what I am saying () but I just don't really find it arousing to look at a video of some random cock being wanked, never mind if it is about what I am saying, I want to see your face! Argh! I have tried dropping hints but he just doesn't seem to get it. I say "men" in general because I had a similar thing with someone else a few years ago, but I never told him, I just wrote off the idea of being able to see his face and hid that part of the screen and just did it vis typing. But I want to say something to this guy, because it makes me feel a bit :( that he doesn't seem to want that part of it. I don't think it's that he wants to dissociate either, because he said that he liked my smile and liked that he could see me smile when we had the webcam on.

So I suppose I am saying, how do I say "excuse me, but I don't want to look at your cock" without it coming across as "your cock is repulsive and I don't want to see it ever again!"

any advice welcome

can you say something along the lines of "actually the biggest turn on for me is to see in your face how much you are enjoying that"?

He's getting off on this. Yuk! dump, dump, dump!

Don't pursue this, he's clearly a wanker!

Good idea Nothing, I could try that. I never thought of phrasing it about what I find a turn-on. In fact the thought of saying (okay, typing!) something like that is making me feel embarrassed now, let alone when I am actually talking to him. Hmm. Something to look at there I think!

Karmann, what do you mean? Of course he's getting off on it... that's kind of the point! And er... so am I, I just would more if I was able to see his face. Perhaps I misunderstanding? Can you be more specific?

Your post said 'excuse me but I don't want to look at your cock' which implied you were offended, if you're not, get on with it.

Oh, I see. No, not offended, more indifferent. Doesn't do much for me to look at it unless it's there in person, IYSWIM...!

Lol! but it's so much more attractive when a man is connected to it!

Exactly!

it's like any other aspect of sex - say what you like and don't like - you aren't obliged in any way t oput up with stuff you'd rather not. IF he demurs, then that is his prblem

Well I knew him in RL before we started talking online so I wouldn't say it was a flasher type thing. It was more just that I felt he thought I would be interested in seeing this and I'm not I'd rather see something else. And how to say that without causing offence. Because as Karmann pointed out - the original wording I came up with made it sound like I was offended! I'm not - it's nothing I hadn't seen before after all. I guess I could never know for certain unless I checked his PC, but I trust him not to upload stuff to youporn or whatever. I don't even know how you would go about doing that from msn anyway.

I know that there's a certain resistance to the idea of cybersex etc on mumsnet, but I don't feel that overall it's a burden or something I'm doing for someone else's benefit, as I said in my OP I do find it fun and just a different thing to do if the real thing is not available. I don't like the idea of doing it with a stranger though, that seems more risky to me.

It is as LordPan says, it is like any other sexual encounter. You tell him what you like, and what you don't like. If he is unhappy about that, then that is good for you to know, as you are probably a little incompatible. You also need to tell him politely but directly - i.e. not the generic 'men' approach. Was trying to think if a good example sentence for you, but I can't think of one - so not very useful advice at all ;-)

It is ridiculously easy to record from a webcam - you don't need a separate device.

Seriously, do you want video of you smiling and masturbating on the internet?

If you do that's fine - but remember it is out there for all time.

Yes, I had seen it in RL before on webcam.

Thank you for pointing out the dangers, although I was aware of them already, and it's not really what I asked. TBH I don't see any difference than trusting that a stranger/new man who you are sleeping with doesn't have a video camera tucked away in the corner of his bedroom quietly picking up everything that's going on. I actually knew someone who did this (ex's boss) so that's not that far fetched either. I can see it's a possibility but I think it's paranoid to assume that everyone will do this.

Thanks snowmama and LordPan - yes you are right, if he's offended it probably says more about him than me!

Umm couldn't you just get a babysitter and shag him for real?

That would probably be easier! My mum/sister will babysit sometimes but I don't like to ask too often, and other than that I'm a bit limited with regards to babysitters. Not really sure where to look.

Okay I know its been like 6 hours but I have experience with this and want to wade in :o
Just tell him how horny it makes you to watch his face make it out to be a power play and tell him you'd rather keep his cock hidden away until you can get your hands on it in real life.

this isn't going to answer your question nor is it going to flame you.. I just want to tell you a little story. Do with the information contained as you wish.

I knew somebody in fact a small group of people, who found the wonderful world of webcams... It was a game to them.. One of the blokes in particular would create a ' relationship' with a willing female... Progress things to the point of webcam sex.. She would put on a show whilst he encouraged and played along... But what she didn't know was there was a group of people out of shot who were merrily taking the mick out of her.. And watching everything she was doing.
this was followed up by forum/ chatroom ' outing' of what they had done.

It did just happen to one woman... They all were more than happy to play their part ... But I doubt it if they knew the truth.

I just wanted you to be aware :)

barring that ask him for a zoomed out shot so you can see his face as well :)

It didn't just happen to one woman.