AIBU to feel pissed off that dp does not want me to go out with him?

[newstart2010]

We have only been back together for a few months, we have had alot of trust issues in the past regarding him and other women. So we went out recently and I was acting very strange, jealous, crazy and making dp feel on edge. I can normally be quite jealous but can normally keep it under control, but I was quite drunk and was acting very badly towards him...

His friend invited us both out for his birthday, dp told me he invited us out but seemed unsure as to weather he wanted me to be there or not. He said he wants me there, but not the other crazy person. I felt fine last time we went out so do not know if I would act crazy or not, but was thinking if i do go out then I will not be gettig drunk and will just have a few drinks.

But now I am feeling upset that he does not want me to go out, especially as I have never met his friend who he has been friends with for years. And this time around we both said we will have our lives together and not seprate as we used to.

So now he is saying he wont go out, instead he will buy his friend a nice gift and stay in and work on us

He sometimes does this type of thing to guilt me into saying, ok you go out on your own... But I really dont feel like saying that this time.

The last time we went out, i was going out with my friends and kept asking him to come out with us as really want us to enjoy going out with our friends together, as we both said we wanted. But he does not seem to want that. And I understand i was out of order last time and would have made an effort to atleast stay sober so i can controll the way i act if i do feel funny.

So not sure if i should say, you go out alone even though I will feel upset that he is not including me in his life. Just because my feeling got the better of me last time we went out. Or well maybe he should stay in??

AIBU?

Has he actually been unfaithful in the past? If he has, then you have justification for how you feel, though it sounds as though you could do with some help on how to get past it as you obviously feel he could do it again.

However, if your trust issues are just that - trust issues - then although you should be able to rely on your DP for support, the main work will have to come from you and I would strongly recommend counselling, especially if you are prone to bottling things up and only letting them out - destructively - when you've had a few too many to drink.

IMO it is not healthy to live a life where you are completely joined at the hip and do EVERYTHING together, nor is it a recipe for success when two people lead totally separate lives. The trick is to find a balance, which can be on a spectrum depending on the individuals concerned.

Good luck. :)

I have posted on her before explaining how when we had just got back together he had a conversation with a girl on Skpye telling her she is sexy and he misses her and stuff... And after looking futher I saw they had been involved sexually when we were not together. And another Mner said that alone is cheating, as was arranging to meet up etc. (even tho he said he didn't meet her).

And at other times when we had been together in the past he has done similar things texting girls etc.

I have had conuselling alone and will start it up again after the summer hols. I am planning on us getting counselling together aswell.

But I have always had trust issues anyway, but he does not help things with his actions...

Hi Newstart2010

Firstly, I can understand that you're in a predicament where you want him to stay in and work on your relationship, but, you also seem to want go out with your OH to prove that you can keep in control.

Secondly, I can also see his point in not bringing you with him as he'd probably feel like he'll be walking on eggshells regarding your jealousy and whether you'll go crazy again.

Now, imagine you're in the same situation, but your OH is the jealous one. It would get pretty restrictive and you'll probably feel like you have to be careful who you talk to. Not exactly great, is it?

You could do with drawing a line under past events and leaving them there in order to move on. OK, something happened regarding your DP and other women, BUT, that doesn't mean it will happen again.

Wish I could stay for longer but have to go to bed as I'm ready for the knackers yard tonight. Will tune in tomorrow morn (probably about 6.30 as the DC's are usually up and looking for breakfast by 6am)

Take care.

who said you were acting crazy? did you know you were doing it? or did he tell you afterwards?

thank you chilled chick, I did not ask him to stay in and work on the relationship, that was his suggestion .

I wanted us to go out, and I would have been making a real effort not to make him feel the same way he did last time.

booyhoo - I knew I was acting crazy, but some of the things I did not remember, but the things I did remember were very embarressing

Doesn't sound surprising that he doesn't want to go out with you if you are likely to get drunk and embarrass yourself and him.
Let's face it, you ruin everyone's evening if you're out with a group and start playing up. However, if he doesn't give you the chance to show you can go out and be sensible, you're a bit stuck.

Is there any reason to believe he has changed? For someone with trust issues, a guy who has acted as he does sounds the worst sort of partner. Do you have DC? If not, why are you continuing with this relationship? Is there any reason to believe he truly wants to become a faithful partner?

Morning Newstart. How are things today with yourself and DP?

I was mulling over things a bit last night. When you mentioned that a MNer suggested he was cheating I was a bit dubious.

Please correct if you think I'm worng, but I always thought people could only cheat if they were in a relationship. If you weren't a couple, when he slept or kissed with the OW then he wasn't unfaithful to you.

So he suggested he stay in and work on your relationship, that's a step forward. Sounds like he wants to help you manage your jealousy and trust issues and address his own issues, which shows he's on your side.

I would suggest you both keep working at your relationship, but over all, keep talking to each other because if you stop communicating, you may find that the hard work you both put in, will be for nothing.

Got to go away for a wee bit, but will be back later.

Take care.

Eurostar - yes we have dd together. I really love him and have spent a very long time apart because I could not trust him and I could not and would not forgive him or try to trust him.

I do not know If he has changed, but does seem more commited. And during our time apart I realised that I really do want to be with him. But as I said there was that innocdient when he was talking to someone he had been sleeping with when we were broken up. So I really dont know.

Chilled - what happend was, we were broken up and he had been sexually involved with a few other women. Which I was not happy about, and it does upset me, but no it was not cheating. As we were not together.

The bit the other mner said was cheating was the conversation I found that he had with this womon on skype while we were together. We had only been back together about 1 month, and there had been some arguments during that time. And he had a conversation with her arraging to meet up and saying he missed her. So thats what the mner said was cheating.

He said he would stay in and work on our relationship, just to guilt me into saying 'oh no you go out'. Which I said to him yesterday by text. Then he didnt answer that. So did not confirm if he was going out or not.

Then today said something suggesting he was going out, and i said oh i did know you were going out. And explained that I felt he wanted me to so oh you go out and i was not saying that and he should make his own choice.

He then said, he wanted me to come when i explanined i would have drank less etc, but he only said that as he knew i did not have a babysitter.

So I have been out all day. He was at work till late and said he would call me when he finished work. But instead just text asking if i'm ok?

So basically he is doing the bare minum to make me happy, and probably only text to look like he made an effort...

Also he made me breakfast this morning before mentioning he was going out, which he doesn't normally do. So just trying to keep me sweet, but will still do want he wants to do anyway.

sorry its sooo long, just letting off steam as i actually feel quite sad about it all...

Hi Newstart Back again.

Sorry about the delay wrt getting back on your thread, just had to get some housework done (I know, sad isn't it but I couldn't resist)

OK, I want to thank you for giving me more info so that I have more of an idea as to what is going on, and try to help you find a solution to your predicament.

I think you should let him know that you both need to sit down and have a good talk to find out where you stand. From what you have said recently it does seem like he's trying to keep you sweet. This may or may not be for his own benefit

I get the feeling you're sad because you may know in your heart of hearts that you can't/don't want to continue like this and your relationship may be coming to its' natural conclusion.

If things do go pear-shaped, don't worry. Give yourself time to come to terms with the situation and have faith and your ability to carry on. If it helps as well, focus on your DC, also think about all the good things you have in your life. You can do it, I know you can

Will be back tomorrow morning to see how you're getting on. Take care.

and then he text me saying he loves me... again just trying to make things easier for himself tomorrow...

or am i just being way too controlling? I really dont know?

I'd take him up on his kind offer to stay in and work on your relationship and get his friend a nice pressie instead.

It'd be interesting if nothing else to see how he behaves when that evening approaches.

I could be wrong, and hope I am, but my guess is that he'd engineer a big row by being stroppy/distant/whatever and end up storming off anyway.

I wouldn't be happy if my DH went out drinking without me and he has never cheated to my knowledge, the way you're feeling is completely understandable.

Good afternoon Newstart. How are you and DC this morning? Hope you are both OK.

Just read your last post from last night. Having been brought up with 5 brothers and NO sisters, I've found that a lot of blokes like things simple and easy and many can't be bothered with hassle.

The question is: Do YOU feel like you're being too controlling? Do you feel you need to control everything/most things, in your life, to feel confident?

Do you feel frightened if you can't make certain aspects of your life go the way you'd like? We have to accept that certain aspects of life are beyond our control.

I think on your part, you need to accept that your OH is his own person with his own thoughts and ideas, and trying to control him may end up driving him away.

You also have to look at the evidence too. Is there any evidence that he's been in contact with any other women. The reason I ask this, is because some women would even believe talking to another woman as cheating. This is totally unfair on their blokes and simply shows that these women have a lot of insecurities which they need to deal with (preferably before their OH walks away for good)

Now, I'm not saying your OH is perfect (no-one is), I'm wondering if you'd be jealous of him talking to another woman about, lets say, everyday mundane things, or if she was asking your DP for a bloke's point of view?
You need to weight up the evidence of cheating against whether you simply think he's doing it.

Hopefully, you're working through this. It will probably take a good while, but you'll get there.

Am going to parents' house to visit, but will be back in a while.

Take care.

martha - if you read my posts after the first one you will see he did go out anyway, but just tried to be nice about it by making me breakfast.

chilled - there was evidence on his computer, when i asked him about it he said sorry and said he would not do that again, so is defintly not me being over the top, he knows he done wrong. But says he wont again, but I have heard that alot of times before...

New
Just read this thread - it does sound like you have a problem with jealousy. This does not make you a bad person, though. It just depends on how you handle and communicate it to your partner. How much (or if) your partner is prepared to handle it with you, will also have an impact on the relationship. Have you tried Googling jealousy to get some on pointers on how to approach it in a relationship?

I've just re-read my post New and I think it looks as though I'm completely blaming you - I really am not and don't mean to. Just wanted to make that clear.

delph - I have been looking at ways to rebuild trust, but no not googled jealousy, but will give it a go.

I do not think I deal with it very well TBH, so its all a mess right now.

New you said in your OP that you can be jealous but can normally keep it under control. This is fine, provided you don't mean that you're just squashing it away when it rears it head.
What you need to be able to do is communicate your feelings to your OH clearly, in a constructive way, and not let your emotions take over. Easier said than done, I know.

Your partner also needs to accept that you have a jealous nature and help you to maintain that control of it. So that means not Skyping other women with the content that he did, and calling you when he says he will instead of sending just a very short text.
Things like that make you feel under valued. If you feel under valued, then inevitably when you're faced with the quite normal prospect of him going out with his friends, which may trigger your jealousy, you are less likely to be able to control it at that time.

If you do think you have a problem with jealousy, don't
be afraid to ask him for what you need to help you deal with it in the relationship. If he is unwilling to meet those needs, then think about whether he is the right partner for you.

Hope things get better for you.

delph - I think alot of the time i am just pushing it to one side, or I speak to dp about it and does not turn out very well and we both feel crap after those long chats. As they always have alot to do with past issues, which is why i'm jealous now.

Dp says the right things and says he will do them but then does not always do that.

You sound really very sad in this relationship right now. This is not how it's meant to be.

Be really honest with yourself and ask yourself if you can accept and live with the past events that have happened.

Thanks for the reply, I have been seening a counsellor which has been very helpful, and will be seeing her again soon as session did not run through the summer holiday. I think i will be feeling alot better when I start seeing her again.

Things are not always bad between us, and we both want to work on the relationship, and have agreed to start looking for couples counselling.

We have broke up alot in the past and I really feel that before ending the relationship I have to give it my all or else will never feel there has been an ending to it. I think dp feels the same as we do love each other so much, but also have alot of problems.

Hi Newstart

Sorry for being away for so long, rushing around like a blue-arsed fly re: back to school for DC and other things have come up too, but that's not important, YOU are.

Anyway, how are you? I hope you have been well. How have things been between you and your DP lately? Have you got anything sorted at all?

You say you need to give your all before your relationship ends so that you feel there's some 'closure'. The issue on this one is that, as long as you keep getting back together, you'll keep doing all you can to get this closure and so the vicious circle goes on. You need to take a step back and look at the situation from a different angle. Why not try thinking about how you would advise someone in the same predicament.

Have to go as I've still got loads of other things to do, but, please do take care and I will be back.