Nearly forty years ago my MIL was married to a violent and abusive man. She left the marriage after less than a year and returned to her parental home with her baby son, my DH.
Living in a small religious community she was made to feel a huge sense of shame and guilt about having left her marriage. So she has never really moved on - she has stayed single, raised her son in her parents home and has recently been a carer to her own, now aged, parents. A horrible, sad story. She is a very modest person who has lacked confidence and often allowed other family members to dominate her emotionally.
I have been with my DH for the best part of two decades and have always known this story. I have always been supportive of my MIL and tried in all sorts of ways to encourage her to become more confident, socialise, do volunteer work, be more assertive etc. We have a good relationship and last year I did much of the organisation for a landmark birthday party for her, while my DH was away on business.
However, there is also another aspect to it: much of the guilt and responsibility for her situation then transferred onto my DP. Growing up he was often made to feel guilty about the sacrifices she had made for him, feel pressure to do well, feel responisbility for her, and, once he became independent and moved away, pressure him to call her (often calling him several times a day)and visit her. So, although she is a very genuine and lovely person, she has got into something of a 'guilt trip' habit over the years.
Two recent incidents have brough this to a head:
Not long ago I was due to give birth to our first baby - I was about 39+2 and obviously feeling quite nervous about the impending birth. We were all chatting about it and then she began telling the story of how she gave birth alone in hospital and then ended up bursting into tears. I apologised for upsetting her and then thought no more about it. However, I found myself increasingly feeling that I had taken on some of the guilt for her bad birth experience and, even as I was going into hospital, feeling guilty that I had my DH with me and that I had family support - feeling guilty that I was probably going to have a good experience whereas her experience was awful. I felt bizarrely hostile to her after our baby was born, as though somehow I had had the baby for her, to make up for her bad experience. These wierd feelings passed, but a few months ago I realised that I was actually quite angry with her for telling this story so close to the time when I was due to give birth, when the focus should have been on me, the impending birth and our baby.
The second was that her employer had a social event for employees and their guests, about 3 hours drive from where we live. We thought about going but in the end said it was too far with our baby. She then sent an email saying that she would not go either as she 'would feel awkward if others were with her families and she would be there all alone'. I said that was putting unfair pressure on us and we sorted it out, but again I felt angry that I too was getting into this 'guilt' relationship.
So, last weekend we were having lunch together and I asked her a question about a piece of baby equipment that our baby was using at the time - what had been the equivalent when my DH was a baby? She gave the answer but then began going into how she had to leave her home with nothing and began to get upset.
After lunch I was talking to her and asked her if she had ever had counselling for what she had experienced, as it was all clearly still upsetting her. She had not and I told her about my own experiences of counselling (for bereavement and toxic parent issues). I also said that i was concerned that this awful thing that had happend to her (forty years ago) was now going to start spilling over to the next generation - her grandchild, who is soon going to start picking up on all this. I would never expect her to bottle it up, but on the other hand maybe counselling would help her to find a way of talking about that time period without getting upset. (I am summarising massively here, if what I am writing looks rather blunt on screen)
Now, here is where I made a huge mistake - I also mentioned that my DH had often felt guilty and responsible for her situation....
She wasn't upset by this conversation but my DH is hugely angry with me - feels that i have said the one thing he never wanted to say and that i have been extremely selfish. I have never really seen him quite as upset before. He hasn't spoken to me properly since last weekend and things are not looking good between us.
Was I wrong? What can I do with my feelings about all this? How can we move forward?