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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Please stop me texting him ;-(

35 replies

bridgetjonesislovely · 27/08/2010 10:28

Please help me get a grip. Split from guy on Monday that I had been seeing for 10 weeks I thought at the time that he was perfect for me.

It all went very fast and I was swept off my feet totally. He ended things because he said he was scared of getting hurt again as his partner of 9 years cheated on him. They had been apart for a year when I started seeing him.

I deleted his numbers , photos, told myself I am strong, his loss. Somebody better out there for me and all that stuff.

So why oh why do I miss him so much and why do I want to text him and tell him that? I'd have to go into my online phonebill to get his number as I wanted to make it hard for myself (when I'd had too much wine) to text him stuff.

I know i'd feel stupid and hate myself if I did contact him. Is this normal to feel like this? And how can i get a damn grip

OP posts:

StudiousSal · 27/08/2010 10:33

Hi Bridget, It's totally normal, but it won't get you anywhere believe me, I've done it! it will take you time, as you said you thought he was perfect for you, however you are not perfect for him, at least he let you know now instead of dragging it out, go out with your friends, you will meet someone else.

Original poster

bridgetjonesislovely · 27/08/2010 10:35

Thanks for replying studiosal. I am out with friends tomorrow night and though not expecting mr perfect to appear from nowhere I have hope still

OP posts:

BelleDameSansMerci · 27/08/2010 10:35

We-ell, it will pass if you leave it alone... There are two positive results of not contacting him:

If he is having second thoughts you NOT contacting him will make him wonder what you are doing (and who with) and makes him more likely to get back in touch with you.

If you don't contact him (and he isn't having second thoughts) you will get over him much more quickly by not being in touch with him. And you retain your dignity.

Either way, you end up the "winner" (for want of a better word).

Original poster

bridgetjonesislovely · 27/08/2010 10:39

Belle thankyou I so want to be the winner and I so want to keep my dignity.

I really hope he is wondering what I'm doing but you are right if he does not give damn he won't know I'm hurting if I remain silent.

Curse modern technology sometimes!!

OP posts:

BelleDameSansMerci · 27/08/2010 10:40

Oh I know what you mean... I have to forcibly restrain myself sometimes. And heaven forbid that I am ever "drunk in charge of a mobile"!

Original poster

bridgetjonesislovely · 27/08/2010 10:41

LOL you made me smile you are a star

OP posts:

SheWillBeLoved · 27/08/2010 10:44

You sound lovely :) his loss. If you aren't worth the risk to him, then hopefully he has made way for somebody who thinks that you are. Good luck in finding your Mr Perfect!

Original poster

bridgetjonesislovely · 27/08/2010 10:47

Thankyou so much and hopefully the next guy will appreciate the lovely me, you ladies are all wonderful I'd been stressing over him for the last 5 hours and a few minutes on here having my hand held has REALLY helped

OP posts:

MadAboutQuavers · 27/08/2010 10:59

Chill, bridget.

Firstly, there's no such thing as Mr Perfect. Every bloke you mean will have something about him that drives you mad. But there will one day, be a bloke whose foibles you can live with, and you'll love him just the same.

Secondly, don't fall for this "I'm scared of getting hurt" crap that he's given you - people are rarely that rational about relationships. IME, it usually means they're just not that into you. Even if they seem lovely. Do you really want to hanker after someone who has decided to cast you aside? You're worth so much more, and it will come your way, if you're patient!

In the meantime... have LOTS of fun doing whatever makes you happy! We're a long time dead y'know...

Janos · 27/08/2010 11:19

LOL @ drunk in charge of a mobile BelleDame - so true!

When I have felt like this (haven't we all), my answer is to delete the offending number from my mobile, and if the urge gets really bad, hide it in a drawer.

And if that doesn't work - hand it over to a trusted friend for safe keeping!

Bast · 27/08/2010 12:39

No, no!

The 'scared of getting hurt' stuff can be so true!

Still, if this is the case, (that he knows he isn't ready to move on in a healthily trusting manner) he's done you a favour.

Retain dignity, do not call and look forward, not back.

Original poster

bridgetjonesislovely · 27/08/2010 15:57

Bast,

Thankyou for saying it can be true, I was worried just in case there is after all something wrong with me and he just spared my feelings.

I still have my dignity intact and I am determined it will remain that way

OP posts:

MadAboutQuavers · 27/08/2010 17:02

Are you sure it can it be true?

IME, when someone thinks you are fantastic, they are falling over themselves to see you, even if they do play it a little cool

Bridget - I'm not saying this to try to undermine you or make you feel terrible. But why does the idea that someone doesn't want to be with you make you think there's something wrong with you? Why can't it be that there's something wrong with them?

Original poster

bridgetjonesislovely · 27/08/2010 18:57

Oh I don't know just not I'm just not very confident after coming out of a relationship where my ex cheated on me lots.
I have worked hard on my self esteem and yes he was falling over himself to be with with me it just all went a bit pear shaped the last week or so.
I know it was him not me but there is just that little bit of self doubt that kicks in when I'm a bit low.
I might be down but I'm not out and there is no such thing as Mr perfect I know that, I just want somebody that is perfect for me, warts and all and I don't think that is too much to ask

OP posts:

MadAboutQuavers · 27/08/2010 20:07

You go girl
My ex cheated on me loads of time too, by the way

Nothing really to do with me, it said much more about him. I took it as a sign of major insecurity on his part, coupled with general immaturity and fuckwittedness

daisystone · 27/08/2010 20:13

Of course it is normal love! We have all been there.

Problem is, if you do contact him, the outcome may not be to your liking and may hurt you further.

I did that years ago with a boyfriend who broke up with me on the phone after about 5 months together. I was calm and rational on the phone and then later that night I went out with a friend and had a bit too much to drink and left a message on his voicemail saying that I didn't understand why he was breaking up with me and that I needed to speak to him to understand.

He never called me back.

If he wants to be with you he will be. If he feels he made a mistake he will contact you. If not, he does not want to be with you.

It is hard to swallow and it hurts but don't humiliate yourself or cause yourself unnecessary pain. You won't acheive anything by texting him - you really won't.

This will hurt for a while but the pain dulls and you will get over it baby.

daisystone · 27/08/2010 20:17

Ha - I meant to write babe not baby. Baby sounds a bit intimate doesn't it?

Original poster

bridgetjonesislovely · 27/08/2010 21:19

hey I don't mind baby, I'm not going to contact him I'd have to put effort in to find his number and I am thankful that I did delete it from my phone on day one or by now with the amount of wine I have consumed he would have had an inbox full of why's I miss you and then swiftly followed by hate texts.

It is his loss I know that and as much as it hurts I have to keep my dignity and keep away.

When the urge gets too much I come on here and rant a bit and I am forever grateful to you wise ladies for keeping from making a complete muppet of myself

OP posts:

verytellytubby · 27/08/2010 21:35

His loss.

My sister is convinced that mobile's should have a breathlyser to stop those awful 'drunk dialing/texts).

kittya · 27/08/2010 21:40

Did we recover from heartbreak much quicker before mobiles/email?

BelleDameSansMerci · 27/08/2010 23:22

kittya in my youth (back in the mists of time) we'd actually send/receive letters. Nothing quite like putting all your heartbroken thoughts down on paper just for the little fucker on the receiving end to pin it up on the notice board at Youth Club. Not that I'm bitter. Not at all. It was only about 30 years ago and the memory is almost funny. Almost. Perhaps if I hadn't included some cheesy song lyrics the piss taking would have been shorter lived.

kittya · 27/08/2010 23:45

My heart goes out to you!! I wonder what he is doing now?

laquitar · 27/08/2010 23:47

I remember that feeling. I did not delete the number but replaced his name on the contacts. From 'Mr big' to 'the bastard'. Seeing that remind me why i shouldn't text him. It works.

When drunk i used to put a brown tape all over the phone (but after some more wine i was peeling the tape off).

Antalya1 · 28/08/2010 07:06

BeleDameSansMerci you have just made me laugh so much, after a sleepless night pining over an ex!, oh I remember Youth Clubs well! Just out of interest have you ever seen him since?

BelleDameSansMerci · 28/08/2010 07:31

Antalya1, I have seen him. It was a long time afterwards though! He ended up going out with one of my friends (and she then immediately stopped speaking to me in that early teenage way). I actually thought she'd married him but then had a Facebook message from her in which she told me she'd just got divorced and, from her surname, I deduced that she'd married someone else who'd been in our teenage circle. I asked her if it was him and never heard from her again. Ooops

I've been thinkin of starting a thread about "missed opportunities" where I had near encounters with some lovely boys/men (they were teenagers at the time) but never let them go anywhere because they'd been out with friends of mine. My friends were less scrupulous!

I'm sorry you've had a sleepless night over an ex - perhaps the worst kind of sleeplessness?

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