How to handle childrens' birthdays amid strained adult relationships?

[ViviPru]

I have a very difficult relationship with my brother and his wife. I used to have a close relationship with their children but since relations have become more strained between the adults, I have seen little of them. I'm sad about it but I can live with it most of the time until their birthdays, which I can't bring myself to let pass unmarked.

I initially sent gifts and cards to the house but this was deemed unacceptable by my brother and his wife, who are of the opinion that gifts must be given in person on the day. That would be the ideal, naturally but I don't feel comfortable visiting their home with relations so strained. I am thinking of putting gifts for the children in some sort of trust until they are of an age as to make their own decisions. I'm not sure how to go about doing this though, or whether its even the best solution.

What do people think about this?
Thanks in advance

I think you can still buy children's bonds though? My SIL bought a few for our DD without any birth cert or other paperwork
Anyway, whatever route you take with this, good luck x

Feel awkward - only children under about 8 now have child trust funds

OP - all you can do is be nice and keep trying, it's not you that is bonkers here!

Just want to day thanks to everyone who has contributed - you've been a huge support today.

I can relate to some of the things going on in your life and you are approaching this with dignity and compassion. Stick to your own instincts here and don't get drawn into other people's angst.

Family situations like this can cause a lifetime of grief and its often better to get off that bandwagon and chart your own course. The children will grow up and your ideas for showing them you care will pay dividends, I'm sure.

What I also feel is that none of us really know what is going on behind closed doors (sorry, its an old cliche) but the small amount of anger and dysfunction you are seeing in your DB's life is probably the tip of the iceberg. I often feel that people like this lead very unhappy lives and become addicted to the drama of fighting and the ego boost of always being in the right.

Withdrawing from those kinds of fights is the only way forward. If you don't provide the 'oxegyn' they need to fight with you, you will slowly move away from their bonkers world. They will still find a way to dislike you, the difference is that you will not have given them the ammunition, you will know that they are making it up. And so will the DCs as they grow up.

Its not easy and is heartbreaking for everyone at the receiving end of their madness. I know its lost time, but you will get the chance with the DCs, just be there for them when they need you.