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Relationships

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Original poster

should i consider contacting the mother of my ds's half brother?

14 replies

juicychops · 26/08/2010 20:47

my ds is 5. he hasn't seen his dad in over 4 years and we have no contact with him what so ever (im hoping it stays that way)

my ex (ds's dad) left me for another woman (well, girl- we'll call her 'Emma', who soon after got pregnant and had a baby. this boy is now nearly 3 years old.

The last i heard was that my ex doesn't see Emma anymore or their son they have together.

Ever since this boy was born i have thought that is ds's brother who he will never know. he will never get to meet him or have a relationship with him - of course unless when they are both older and choose to find eachother. i wont tell ds until he's a lot older that he has a half brother.

anyway, lately i have been thinking. what if i got in touch with Emma - for both children's sakes so they can meet and maybe meet up couple of times a year or whatever just so they know eachother.

i dont have any feelings either way towards Emma im long past that. my problems are with my ex only. so it wouldn't bother meeting her or their child. i think the only problem that could arise is if my ex did start seeing their child again (as i think it is only a recent thing that he stopped seeing him)

i dont know if this would be a good idea to consider, or a terrible idea. are they too young? should i leave it until ds is a lot older to understand?

I see this woman and their boy around town every so often and i cant help but think 'this is ds's brother'. ds would love a brother or sister and i am NOT having any more children so he will never have a real one.

i have a half sis and we have a good relationship so i know they could when they are older and i think im worried about too much time going by which may affect their potential relationship they could have in the future.

your opinions on this would be greatly appreciated thanks

OP posts:

PotPourri · 26/08/2010 20:50

Soiunds like a good idea given the circumstances you outlined. Talk to Emma, and see what you think after that...

sorrento56 · 26/08/2010 20:51

Why do you want to deny him a dad but give him a brother?

jesuswhatnext · 26/08/2010 21:12

i dont know if it would be a good idea to speak to emma, i feel there is more to this than you have felt able to say - what i would say is, dont keep the brother a secret until your ds 'is old enough', i have a similar situation to you, dd has known the facts all her life, i never made a big thing of it, just mentioned facts in passing iyswim?, so, she has no big shocks in store etc, no one can 'spill the beans' so to speak and it means she takes it all in her stride - so much easier than having to sit your ds down to have 'a chat' imo.

Gigantaur · 26/08/2010 21:16

i would imagine that the fact he left her for another woman would mean that the father denied her son of a dad, not the OP.

I guess if there was a way that you could contact her other than by putting her on teh spot face to face (maybe an email of facebook message or something) where she can have some time to consider it.

Original poster

juicychops · 26/08/2010 21:19

jesuswhatnext maybe one day when the opportunity arises il sit ds down and tell him about his brother. he knows all the (basic) facts about his dad and why he doesn't see him anymore - there is only really the specifics that ive missed out but ive mentioned prety much the main. i missed out that is was ds's dad's choice not to see him anymore, but i think it may have been Emma's choice for him not to see their son, although he seems to have happily accepted that.

sorrento, ive never and would never deny him a dad - his dad has denied him a dad all his choice. i spent the first year after he stopped seeing him trying to persuade him to have access through a solicitor but he wasn't interested.

OP posts:

SingingTunelessly · 26/08/2010 21:53

I think your thinking is being clouded by the fact that you have a good relationship with your half-sister. Did you and she grow up together?

Can't see what you are going to achieve by introducing the DCs in the situation you are describing tbh. Unless you and Emma are going to make an effort that they get together on a regular basis, what is going to happen? They meet (too young to understand) and then what?

mummytime · 27/08/2010 05:11

I would suggest that you make contact with Emma. You don't sound bitter towards her. Try to have a coffee or something, and discuss what she wants to happen.

If you keep seeing her and her son, you live in a small town and your sons are bound to run into each other. You need to make this normal for both of them, but you need to both discuss what you would like to get out of them meeting (and knowing), where you would like their and your relationship to go.

I have at least one half sister and some half brothers, who I have never met. I didn't even know existed until I was 12+. But they lived 150 miles away, in a town we never visited. I have never met them, but also the history between my mother and theirs is messy. Additionally, my parents split when I was very young, and I often wonder if there was more to it than I was told (my mother died some years ago so I can't ask her).

In your case there is none of this mess (seemingly) and you are in the same town. So you don't seem to be able to avoid Emma and this half-brother, so its probably better to manage the boys meeting and learning about each other. (They do not have to become best friends etc. but to know about each other, and have a basic relationship sounds for the best.)

sorrento56 · 27/08/2010 08:28

Apologies. It appeared you didn't want the dad around as you said you hoped he would stay away.

SolidGoldBrass · 27/08/2010 10:11

As mummytime said, the fact that the boys are likely to run into each other from time to time means it's probably a good idea for you and 'Emma' to have a chat and at least agree on what to do when they meet. Though if she turns out to be a nutjob or to resent you for some reason then back off.

UnePrune · 27/08/2010 10:17

Do you know Emma? How reliable is she?
Could you suggest that the 2 of you meet, get to know each other a bit? Then that the boys play together for a bit every now and again. Suss Emma out really well. If she seems like a decent sort, then you could tell the boys that they are brothers, and help them to have a relationship as brothers.

If you start off with 'Look! This is your BROTHER!' and she's a twat who'll mess things up, your son could be really hurt.

templemaiden · 27/08/2010 10:20

I think it's a great idea if you were planning on making it a regular thing. And also if this Emma is also willing too. I take it she is aware of your and your son's existence?

Trifle · 27/08/2010 11:09

WHy on earth are you trying to engineer a 'brotherly' relationship between two strangers who have absolutely nothing in common apart from some cells. They're not brothers, they dont live together, they have no bond. Are you going to tell them that they both share the same dad who they dont even know. They're not brothers and never will be.

AuntieMaggie · 27/08/2010 12:27

I think its a good idea - it's not necessarily engineering a brotherly relatioship but giving them an awareness of each other.

Things might change in the future and their father might have contact with one or both of them.

SolidGoldBrass · 27/08/2010 18:28

Trifle: I take your point but a good many people feel that bio-relations are important (I am adopted and not bothered about finding my bio-relatives but a lot of other people do worry about such things). I don't think there#s anything wrong with trying out the possibility of making contact, and it is vital that the facts are not hidden from either boy, because as they grow up, they might want to have a relationship with each other or they might not but if they grow up and find out that they have been kept apart, this could cause a great deal of distress to either or both and a great deal of family upheaval.

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