I've just realised Why He Does That

[tametiger]

I have just read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft and I feel as though I have been pole-axed. I have posted on here about my XH's treatment of me when I fractured an ankle earlier this year and received loads of support and common sense input from MNers.
However, part of me always believed everything was my fault, that I had somehow caused his behaviour now and in the past. I have been torturing myself because I recently learned he has a new woman and I have been imagining that he would be a different sort of person with her.
Reading this book I felt as though it was written just for me - so many of the descriptions of behaviour and attitude were exactly like my XH. Somehow without realising it I have spent my life with a succession of emotionally or physically abusive angry and controlling men (father and two husbands). Not sure now what to do with this insight.

Oh no, that book was written about MY ex

But seriously, it is scary howe accurate that book is. They all operate on a script. All the same.

I also found it to be a eral eye-opener, especially after all the years of attempted indoctrination.

Do you feel relieved with the insight?

Many, many women have had a lightbulb moment after reading that book, it seems

You can see why it is so widely recommended on here

Excellent book. My ex was Mr right; alternating with the driil seargeant and Mr sensitive.
It's nice to know that it wasn't all my fault.

Funny thing is, these men who are NPD (as many of these abusers are). They think they are so special, so unique. My ex probably still sincerely believes his name will go down in history as a famous polititian :) And yet they are all the same. Ha ha ha!

It makes me feel (a bit) better to realise that he will still be the same old him, no matter who he's with.
The best thing I ever did was to make friends with his ex (after me and him split) and her account of life with him was eerily similar to mine. Treated her and his two other sons just the same as me and our son.
I would like to see all pre-owned husband/partners issued with a log-book, like cars, in which their DPs could log instances of crap behaviour for the information of the next 'owner'.

My God, MOSP, do we have the same ex? Yes yes to going down in history as a famous politician. And intellectual. And lover (ha!).

Tametiger, I'm with you on the log-book, but only if we're also allowed to issue penalty points on their license.

Nicknametaken - if your real name begins with S and ends with R, that could be a possibility!

And now you know why so many Mumsnetters seem to have an almost clairvoyant insight into what certain men say, think, and are going to do next. The buggers all follow the same script, and Bancroft has nailed it in that book!

The log-book would only be partly effective, you know, because most women would still believe his ex-wife was a vindictive bitch who put that comment in the log because she didn't know how to treat him, and I can do better of course, being so smart/patient/understanding. Because that's what we want to believe.

I bought the book, haven't had time to read it!!

Not me, MOSP, and as far as I know my ex doesn't have other dcs. It would be fascinating to see your ex and my ex in the same room together, though. Although two such egos colliding might collapse the universe into a black hole, which would be a shame.

i have not read the book but i know that is has been of great comfort to a lot of women in abusive relatiosnhips.

it is startling just how similar these men are. it is as if they have gone to special be a horrible cunt classes.