Grandparents prefer other grandchild?????

[sas21]

Am i being stupid or does my mil and fil prefer their granddaughter?

Here's the situation, i have twin sons who are 15 months old. When they were born my mil and fil liked to have them over night once every 2 weeks up until they were about 4 months then this slowly started to decrease. My mil and fil have only looked after their grandsons about 11 times this year.

My brother in law and his partner had a baby in march and i have got the feeling that my mil and fil prefer her. They will phone my bil to say we are having the baby tonight ect, but they never phone us to find out how their grandsons are, they never visit, we always have to go over there so that they can see my sons. They have even started to lie about having their granddaughter over night i.e if we go over to their house they will say 'o her parents are having problems so we took her over here' but then i find out that they have said that they wanted to have her over night.

My parents live 400 miles away and my husband works alot so i dont really have much help apart from WHEN my mil and fil do want to have my sons over night, this had also recently changed to that they will only have one of my sons over night because they can be a bit to much for her to look after, she is 43. My sons dont sleep well at night and they can be a bit much at times, while their granddaughter sleeps through the night and is a really good baby. Am i being stupid? sorry its a bit long but this is bugging me

you have answered the question yourself havent you

you have two sons, who are a "bit much" and don't sleep well

they now have a grandchild who sleeps through the night and is "a really good baby"

be honest, which would you choose to look after if none of them were your own?
its not fair on you, but they don't actually HAVE to look after any of their grandchildren overnight. they did you a favour by having your sons when they were small and now they are doing the same for your BIL.

if you need help once in a while ask them, rather than rooting about for information that is none of your business about which grandchild they prefer. that tbh is just childish. sorry

No one has ever had any of my DC overnight. If we want to go out we get a babysitter, and are always back by 1 or 2. And my eldest is 14.

You are lucky to have got what you have got.

Maybe your MIL is a tiny baby person. I really like up to 10 weeks, I have a friend who enjoys the first year.

Hi. I'm a Mum of twins so I know how totally exhausting the first couple of years can be. My family didn't really offer to help with nights when they were young - probably because they were worried about coping too.

Just wanted to say it will change as the kids get older. In fact everything will get so much easier!! My girls are eight now and are an absolute joy but I wouldn't have always said that ...

Could your parents-in-law give you a bit more help in the day if they don't feel able to do the nights? All the best.

At the age that my boys are at i find being around them and looking after them so fun i love it. Its not that i want them to have my boys over night or to look after them for me but i would like the offer of a break. My mil always throws it in out face how good her granddaughter is and how well she is doing compared to my sons. Im happy that she is striving and doing well but i dont need it thrown in my face everytime i see them.

I read your thread as more about a sense of rejection on behalf of your boys, rather than a complaint about a lack of help.

You have my sympathy as I have experience of this and in my case it was my own parents. I have challenged it, but to be honest it didn't really get me anywhere. It hurts (a lot) though.

What I will say is that all children have their rough spell, so if they are really being that fickle, then they may switch favourites once the baby starts teething .

This will be really quick as I've just lost the entire message I'd just drafted while going into my email to confirm registration. Now don't have time. Infuriating! Basically I really sympathise. PILs, especially FIL, go mad for their GD, my SIL's daughter, over my son. They see loads more of her partly because SIL likes it that way and they're a bit closer geographically. FIL goes on about how wonderful she is to anyone who'll listen including me, my parents and friends. Very trophy-ist about her. PILs show affection to my son but he's treated as GD mark 2; all the same presents and experiences because GD had them.Also when the kids are together FIL clearly has eyes for one of them. It's nauseating.
I console myself that he's not doing GD any favours in the long run. Maybe all these 'second choice' children will turn out much better adjusted and happier for not having been smothered and spoiled. Also my son gets plenty of unconditional doting of the right kind from me and hubby and my parents.

Some of this sort of behaviour probably does need confronting though and it sounds like you're doing a good job of that. I'm a bit of a wuss about it with my in-laws but will say something at the appropriate times if things continue eg I think all the silly present buying is going to have to stop.

Good luck!

My DT's are 5 and always slept well but are quite a handful. My inlaws have had them to sleep overnight about 3 times. I don't expect it.

Firstly, whilst it is hurtful that GPs are pulling back from the contact they used to have with your DCs, you cannot and should not expect them to have your children as often as you would like. On the other hand, your parents are now sowing the seeds for their future relationship with your sons and will ultimately reap what they sow.

My MIL looked after my two about four times in their entire lives. They are now adults. She always made it very clear, that despite being the first GC, they were very much second rate and when BILs had their children, my Dcs dropped even further down her list of priorities. Requests to babysit were usually refused (including when I gave birth to DC2 because she had a hair appointment!), invites to birthday parties, school plays etc were always refused. She has always attended the same type of events for her other GCs. However, she now wonders why it is that our DCs really have no time for her, whereas they will move mountains in order to see my mum. We have always tried to be even handed when it came to treating the GPs equally in terms of visits etc, my Mum and MIl live about 10 minutes away by car. But, even though she drives and my mum doesn't, it is my mum that will get on a bus to make sure the DCs get a birthday card or gift, or just pops over to meet them after college. She has even got on a train to travel 150 miles to visit DC1 at university. All the time, MIL cannot even pick up a phone to find out how they are.

So, should you be bothered about ILs reaction to your sons? Well, I understand feeling hurt, even a little angry. I always used to. But now, I feel sorry for MIL. She has no relationship with my Dcs at all really. She asked why they are so willing to put themselves out to see my mum and not her. DH told her and reminded her of all the times we had literally begged her to spend time with them, but she chose not to. We can no longer force our two to spend their time on her, they are not children anymore, so for the time being, she is feeling rejected by them.

I hope your Ils do not ever get to the same situation, but if they do, it will be of their own doing. In the meantime, don't get bitter or jealous about DN.

If you need a sitter, maybe join together with friends and take turns.

I just thought I would post as see this from other side. I can completely understand how you feel, and hurt for your sons, and would feel exactly the same.
However my SIL took the view that my DD was favoured grandchild, and it caused all sorts of problems.
I genuinely don't think they did - it may have been at one stage DD was at an easier age than her boys which meant it was easier to play with her/look after her and this got misinterpreted. Plus I've actively asked my parents to look after DD whereas SIL won't do that - but then that's also interpreted wrongly - that they want to spend more time with my DD.
SIL has forgotten that before my DD was born, I was always being regaled with tales of how wonderful her kids were - and still am.
But it began to become a vicious circle. It seemed to me SIL interpreted everything as possible favouritism - down to counting how many photos my dad was taking of each GC, and it became very difficult. My parents now feel awkward talking to my DD in front of SIL. So if you think your MIL/FIL are lying to you about why they are looking after their other GC overnight it may be that they just don't want to inflame situation rather than they secretly love other grandchild more.
All I am trying to say is not that you are wrong and there isn't favouritism, but that it's easy to see everything that way once you are convinced it is there and it can get out of control. So for what it's worth, it can be worth trying to make more of an effort to interest your ILs in your boys. If they don't choose to take it up, then that is their loss, and you've tried.
Again forgive me if this is not the situation in your family - just in case however I thought I would mention it as it's caused me a lot of grief.

Maybe the grandparents thought they were doing you a favour in the early part of the babies' life when it can be very tiring for you. Now they are doing for the other one.

Two babies (which arent your own) who dont sleep well vs one that does. Hmmm...which set would you rather look after?

Ive got a 13 month old. My Mum has had him overnight zero times. But my mother in law has had him overnight...er...zero times (although she has baby sat for him plenty) and my father in law has had him over night zero times.

That's a total of zero in 13 months.