Am I being too hard on him?

[DooLallysBirthday]

I really feel I need some perspective here, so any replies welcome. Have name-changed as my cousins and sister are on MN alot and might recognise me.

The problem I'm struggling with is regarding my DP's relationship with my DD.

A bit of Background : Was a single parent to DD when I met DP (she was 1, is now 5). Took my time before introducing them, but when I did they got on fine. Even when we moved to a new home (together) they got on fine. DD has never seen her biological father (I have tried but he's not interested).

Fast forward to now:
We now have a DS together (1) and we all live together supposedly as a 'family'. However since DS was born I have noticed changes in the effort DP puts into his relationship with DD.

Things he does do for/with DD
Will take her to school in the mornings when I'm working but (in his words) "doesn't want to pick her up in the afternoon unless I really have to as pushing the buggy up the hill is hard work"
Helps her with Homework
Baths her
Cooks her nice dinners
Talks to her , answers her etc
Cuddles her

Things he does with DS I noticed he doesn't do with DD

Actively plays with DS, but not really with DD
Will take DS out to park / his friends/ shops etc but won't take DD unless he absolutely has to (ie - I'm away)

I have noticed this for ages but didn't say anything (thought the playing thing in particular was just because DS is a boy and likes rough and tumble play) until one day when I asked him to pick DD up from school instead of taking her and he was reluctant to do it (buggy up hill thing) - I said I don't think that's really what it's about and he should have completely equal responsibility with me. He said "ultimately picking up (DD) is not my responsibility"
I was
and we had a discussion about it later on, which basically came to this conclusion:

Before we decided to move in together and have DS we spoke at length about how it would work with regards to DD.DP at the time reassured me that he "would never make a difference" between them. I thought this meant we would take equal responsibility for parenting them both. He thought this meant that the children wouldn't be treated differently at all and he would help out with her but DD would continue to be my responsibility ultimately.
So we really were never on the same page!

He said he thinks he does a lot for her (he does) and he finds it a struggle (wouldn't elaborate on why other than he feels like a bit of a fraud and that 'DD's dad could waltz back in and I would be forgotten about') and he gives as much as he can but if I'm looking for any more than the current situation then he can't give it , and he is 'fond' of DD and cares for her but can never love her(although he won't show it) or take the same role as a biological parent could. I think he should take the same role as a biological parent. So we are at a stalemate and I'm wondering if this can be resolved or we are doomed to split?

Sorry about the novel-length post but thoughts welcome

This is difficult because you can't force someone to love a person it does not work that way. Only thing is that hopefully as he watches her grow his feelings for her will also grow to that as his own child and his insecurity of the other man will diminish.

However i think you should get across that you don't have to love someone to treat the well (which according to you he does) especially if you care for them the list you gave shows that he does care and i am baffled why he does not mind cuddling her/taking her to school in the morning but hates picking her up????

I think he does not want to be too attached because he is worried about making a bond with the child seeing her as his own then the girls biological father comes back and your DP will be suddenly sidelined which will undoubtedly hurt his feelings.

I don't think you are being too hard on him and I think this has been a genuine misunderstanding. Ultimately you are responsible for your dd, I don't think he can over-rule you about her in the same what he might with the child you have together. I think the thoughts about the biological dad are a smokescreen as it isn't very likely he is going to call you tomorrow and ask for access. You have to tell him that he can't treat them differently as soon she will realise and that will make their relationship difficult in the future.

Thank you Sammy

Because of all he DOES do for her, it really threw me when he said the ting about ultimately DD not being his responsibility.

The picking-up thing escalated because the original plan was that I would take her in the morning and he would get DS up and ready before we each go to work (DS granny looks after him). I thought I would put her in after-school care a 2 days per week (me pick her up after work), 1 day a week her granny get her, and 2 days per week he would pick her up .
I then found out to get after-school care you have to pay the whole 5 days , even if you only use 2 days , and we can't afford to pay the 5 days.
When I said about the 5-day thing and that he would have to pick DD up 4 days out of 5 , he got sulky and said I was changing what we had agreed to without consulting him and that he doesn't mind doing the morning school run as I would be getting myself and DS ready so he wouldn't have to push the big buggy up the (very steep) hill, whereas he would in the afternoon as I wouldn't be there (he finishes work earlier than me)

He would never admit this, but I think he is resentful for the obligation of both, and finds the obligation of his own easier to take on. Also think that whilst he seems to enjoy DD's company he relishes spending time alone with DS, and enjoys it more, which can't be helped I suppose, but hurts my feelings.

BIg buggy problem - get a smaller maclaren.

Thanks Sorrento, I think that was a smokescreen too, although he did say DD's dad might turn up 'when she is older' (think he meant 16 or something). I know that I'm responsible for her, it just upset me when he made those things clear when I had had been thinking we were on the same page.
He never treats her differently outwardly or I wouldn't stay with him, but there are little signs I think she may pick up when she's older.

16 is a long way off and what will he say to her when she asks why she is different with her than to her brother?

Thank you 'The Butterfly Effect' - Your family structure is what I was thinking about when we moved in together etc , (maybe both of us thought the same then) but since DS was born, I feel resentment from DP.

He does tell her he loves her (ie she says "Love you (DP)" and he says "love you too (DD)") but for me knowing he doesn't really and "struggles with the dynamics"(in his word) is heartbreaking to me.

Does anyone think this is splitting-up material or am I over-reacting?

I told him he has had 4 years to get used to it, DS has been here 1 year. If he is unsure now, he will always be?

As a stepmum I can understand how your DP feels now your DS comes along. You don't think you will feel differently for your biological child before you have them. But when they come along the feeling is more intense, almost more physical IYSWIM? I love my DSD so much, but honestly don't feel as strongly for her as I do my own dds.

However I do just as much for her as I do for my dds. Within reason as she's teenager so perfectly capable of tidying her own room. In some ways I think I try to do more for my DSD to try and compensate for what I don't feel. I do hope this doesn't come across and I try my hardest to let her know she's loved.

I think your DP is being unfair in the care of your dd though. You all live together so parenting should be shared regardless of whether she's biological or not. My DH and I parent the girls as equally as if they were all mine. (Actually I think I do more, ). Before DSD lived with us I did leave most of the parenting to DH. But when she moved in with us we shared. It was before I had the dds so was easier to just fall into that pattern.

I don't think it's splitting up material. But you do need to talk more about the dynamics of your parenting roles.

I think too that the way parents feel for newborns is different to the way they feel about toddlers and older children. Your DH might be overwhelmed by the depth of his love and protective feelings for your DS, be aware that he feels differently towards DD and be explaining it to himself as about genetics.

I too met my DH when I already had a DC; DS1 was 18 months when we got together. We had two more DCs when DS1 was 5.

If you asked DH how many kids he has he says "three", he considers DS1 his own child (DS1's biological father is very much in the picture, too). He does treat them differently but in the ways anyone would treat a toddler differently from an older child.

Does your DH have any issues with step-parents/divorce/absent parents that you're aware of? I ask because my DH is from a single-parent family with an absent father and it has made him determined that our kids (including DS1), won't ever feel that way - he also has a half-brother who he considers a full sibling (both fathers absent). But these things can affect people in different ways, he might just have easily have been afraid to bond fully with DS1 in case they were subsequently seperated.

Thanks Karma Angel and Butterfly Effect for your input.

I think I will propose a talk about "our parenting roles" - it sounds non-blaming. Hope you don't mind me stealing your words!

The stuff about her bio-dad It could be an excuse I agree. Although it may not be - DD's dad was abusive and I broke off the relationship when she was 6 weeks old. I offered contact but he was only interested in getting me back. Said he would only see her if I got back with him etc . He frequently came to my door and when he couldn't get in harrassed my neighbours, even at 4am! Even after I met my DP he was still at it - once I left a window open, took DD to a birthday party and he had got in and trashed my house. Up until recently I have contacted him by solicitor letter about once a year about access proposing contact but he has never replied.

Your DP does a lot more than many biological dads living with their children and I don't think it's cause to split up although maybe you could get some counselling to discuss your expectations etc.

Don't know if it could be feasible, but could your DP perhaps adopt your DD in the future? Sounds like he's much more of a daddy to her than her biological father & then he would not be worried that he would be replaced later my her absent dad.

Thanks Sansa , that is something to think about. DP's dad abandoned him when he was 3. He never really lived with his mum and worked abroad - apparently he didn't turn up to see DP lots of times and went for good when he was 3. I think it makes him more protective of DS. But also more likely to stick around no matter what the problems so there's not a 'Broken Home'. He obviously doesn't have the same determination towards DD and it bothers him I think. Maybe he feels it's not a 'proper family' whilst DD's dad still lurking in the background (although he has suaid he would fully support DD seeing her dad).
I could ask him all this but he's not a big talker and it takes hours to get anything useful out of him! It took 6hours yesterday to come to the conclusion in my OP.

x

He wouldn't go for counselling - have suggested this and he says we don't need it, and he can't talk to me , let alone a stranger.

Thanks LadyLapsang. I know he does alot and I am very grateful. I did most of the house stuff when he worked and I was SAHM. Now I work 40-50 hours over 5/6 days and he works 15 over 3 days (job share with his friend) so he does most of household stuff well and without being nagged, which I'm happy about.

"He said ultimately picking up (DD) is not my responsibility"

He's right there.

"He said he thinks he does a lot for her (he does) and he finds it a struggle (wouldn't elaborate on why other than he feels like a bit of a fraud and that 'DD's dad could waltz back in and I would be forgotten about') and he gives as much as he can but if I'm looking for any more than the current situation then he can't give it shock, and he is 'fond' of DD and cares for her but can never love her(although he won't show it) or take the same role as a biological parent could. I think he should take the same role as a biological parent. So we are at a stalemate and I'm wondering if this can be resolved or we are doomed to split?"

He's being honest with you. To be fair, he's kind of right on all of this - you can't make him love your daughter, and you can't really expect him to take on responsibility for her.

Thanks HairyTriangle (nice name by the way )

The problem is that I DO expect him to take responsibility for her too if we are all to be a family. I understand it's hard for him, but I never thought he would say the things he said. x

I think that the comment your P made was a "throw away line" and maybe he was feeling defensive and this was the first thing he could think of to defend himself.

I am a step mother and have a son who had a step father IFYSWIM and we had one child together, so I see the problem from all angles. They are all grown up now and we have grand children and step grandchildren. However in the past I used to feel really guilty about not really feeling anything very positive about my SD but I did try hard not to let it show. There were also times when I thought my P was not treating my son, like he treated our "joint" child. I'm afraid it's the nature of the beast.

I don't think you should be worrying so much, your P might feel more for his own child and that is just being human, but he does seem to also do a lot for your daughter.

Now all ours are grown my P has the best relationship with my son (who I thought he didn't treat quite the same as our son) and thinks e can do now wrong............so hold on in there and don't worry about it too
much. You are certainly the kind of mother who is not going to stand by and see your daughter pushed aside and would take action, but there is no sign that this is happening.
Step parenting is a complex area of human relationships.

FWIW, Doolally, I would be gutted if my DH said that about my eldest too. Eldest DS considers himself DH's son (knows he has two fathers but DH is Daddy and if asked he says "well Jon helped mummy make me but when daddy met me he loved me so much he wanted to be my daddy all the time so now we are a family".

I think that's how it should be and would struggle if DH said the things yours did. It's different if the DC is much older but 1 is still a baby, he's the only dad she knows.

He was there for DS1s first steps, first day of school, he changed his nappies, he loves him. He might feel differently for him than he does for the DCs which are genetically his (just as I feel differently about all the DCs - but I love them all as much as each other), but I think that all the stuff, all the father stuff, is more important than biology.

I hope it's just a reason he's pinning his feelings on.

He could get parental responsibility, it's an easy form to fill in. I suspect (just from discussions with my own DH), that his history might have a bearing on it.

I hope it's just new parent nerves and will settle down.

Thanks all x

ShineonCrazyDiamond, I have never asked that he love her the same, only that he take responsibility for her the same. I would be unreasonable to ask him to love her the same.

NanaNina, thanks for your perspective on step-families. You are right that I wouldn't let her get treated badly , she is happy the way things are as far as I can see - she says stuff like "I like it better when (P - she has never called him dad) is there when I come in from school cause he always has my dinner ready - you take ages mummy". I think it's more an issue of expectations between us.

Thanks Sansa. I think it may actually be a good idea for him to try and get parental responsibility - then he would feel a bit better I think, but whilst her 'real' dad (who is a nightmare and hasn't given a penny since her birth) is still on the birth cert and afaik has the same address then would it not have to go to court?
He is her godfather (his idea) because both kids were baptised at the same time, but she has her dad's surname - the priest knew this but put him down as 'father' on her baptismal cert (!) then asked in front of the whole crowd if he was going to adopt her!

You just have to demonstrate no contact from your ex. So you could write to him and say "I want DH to have parental responsibilty", and then he won't reply and it'll be a shoo in.

If he objects and it goes to court your DH will still be granted PR. it doesn't remove your ex's PR, just adds PR for your DH. There's a special form for step-parents.

It's important if god forbid there was an accident and you weren't contactable to consent to medical treatment or something.

Thanks Sansa
I will speak to him about it.
Although I'm sure if I did write to the ex with that then he would reply - he's annoying that way - never wants to see DD but would love to make life more difficult for me . grr.
If DP can be added on then that would suffice I think.

I wanted to add my own experiences as someone who (sort of) grew up in a similar situation. I never saw my dad much but mum married again when I was very young and had more kids. My SD was a wonderful parent but he never pretended to be my dad. when I grew up I realised that of course he loves his biological children in a different way (more?). I understand that, and I know that he loves me as a step daughter IYSWIM.

However, what I did find difficult was always feeling a bit left out I suppose. My dad has another DC, who he has a great relationship with. My SD's DCs have always had more than I did because it wasnt seen as his responsibility to provide them for me. So I suppose in some ways I did feel a bit left out, like I wasnt special enough to anyone. That said, I'm a perfectly well adjusted adult now and its all water under the bridge!!

Sorry for the ramble, and I dont really have any answers, just wanted to share in case it helps you. As others have pointed out, these things are complicated and I dont think there are any right answers.