Marriage breaking down at 6 months pregnant

[deluxetruffles]

I am so devastated and am trying really hard to remain calm for the baby, but I have been verging on hysterical for most of the day.

My H and I got into a row yesterday over a minor thing, but we were supposed to be going to antenatal class together and after him calling me pathetic and a f*ing joke I stormed out angry and upset and went on my own (our first class). I was the only person there without a partner. I felt so dreadful.

When I got in, he was in the spare room with the door shut and he made no attempt to come and speak to me. He went off to work without speaking to me and I found a letter left for me which basically said that I was destroying our marriage with my verbal abuse and violent behaviour and that he is trying to keep a roof over our head, provide for a family, keep a business going and renovate our house. He wrote that I have anger management problems and that I need help.

I know I have a temper but last night I was neither abusive or violent! In fact, if anyone was abusive it was him with what he called me. I sat and cried for a long time as I expected some sort of apology in the letter and it couldn't have been more different. Our arguements always end in me being portrayed as an irrational angry mess who belittles him, even though I feel that that is unfair a lot of the time. How can I be to blame all of the time?

I know it is childish and over the top but I texted that I wanted to divorce him as soon as possible. I don't really know why, apart from that I was very angry and very upset and have hormones raging around my body.

After some horrible texts back from him I left him a voice message asking if he would stay away for a couple of days so that I could sort myself out and thing about things.

We have been locked in a vicious text and telephone argument for the rest of the day with him saying that he has to pay for everything and it is not what he signed up for, when I was working up until 2 months ago when my contract ended and have always paid my half of the mortgage and for food etc. We discussed finance before I got pregnant and he said that he would like me to stay at home with our baby for the first year and then we will see how it goes - I agreed. In fact, he said he would love to support me and the baby indefinitely if finances allowed. Now he is throwing it back in my face at every opportunity and I feel powerless. I have no money unless I ask him for some and I really don't want to most of the time.

He is working very hard at the moment and I hardly ever see him. He works all weekend adn late into the evenings but I deal with it because I know it is for our future. Then he says I am not involving him in the pregnancy even though I asked him to come to both scans and I tell him how we both are when he doesn't ask and we discussed names and I wanted him to come to antenatal classes and I put his hand on my bump. What is he talking about?? It is rubbish and most of the time he doesn't ask me how I feel.

I feel like I married a twelve year old. Right from the start he had sulks and was spiteful and old habits die hard. He texted my parents a little while ago to say that they should call me as I might need them. So I have had my worried mother on the phone desperately asking what is going on. I smoothed it over by saying we had had a fight and he was being silly and embarrassing and that it was nothing serious. I don't think she believed me but thankfully she is not pressing me on it. He is not doing it to be thoughtful but to be a spiteful little bitch and the fact that he is dragging my parents into it really upsets me. If all he cares about is money and we are a drain on him then he can sell the house and keep the money. I obviously can't get a job until I have had my baby now and have no idea what to do, where to go, who to talk to etc. I feel stuck and lost and am worried that I am stressing my baby as I have shouted and cried so much today I feel like I have used up all my energy.

Please someone offer some advice as to who I should talk to. I feel very along and have not friends I wish to confide in about this as it is such a private matter.

with my verbal abuse and violent behaviour and that he is trying to keep a roof over our head, provide for a family, keep a business going and renovate our house. He wrote that I have anger management problems and that I need help

I know I have a temper but last night I was neither abusive or violent

Ok snipped from your post above, are you violent and abusive towards him?

This makes a huge difference, no excuses for what he called you etc and sulking but it does sound like he is under a lot of pressure right now, pregnancy, work, money etc, it's more stressful when you are there living it, no matter how much planning you do.

But if you are an abusive partner, it could be the straw that broke the camals back and it may be you who needs to address your attitude ifyswim. I think you need counselling both of you.

No I am not violent. I once defended myself against him but that is it. In terms of being verbabally abusive - I really don't know any more. When you argue you say cruel things - he says cruel things to me and I say cruel things back. I don't know if that makes me abusive. What constitues being verbally abusive?

A lot can constitute being abusive, I think you could both do with counselling in all honesty to get to the bottom of it.

The way you worded your sentence and the post above suggests you beleive you have infact been abusive yourself.

Could it be 6 of one half a dozen of the other? I don't think it's especially clear cut from your post. I am not one to just rip into blaming the man, as women can be at fault too.

I think overall your whole relationship sounds unhealthy and you should speak to the MW and get some counselling they can help with this.

im going to be a bit harsh here - quite frankly you both sound as bad as each other and immature to boot!

you both need to get a grip on reality - you are about to bring a baby into a very childish relationship - its time to speak to each other with respect, understanding and without name calling! - if your marriage really is over, which i doubt, then you need to be grown-up enough to look at the practicalities - he will have to support you and the baby for the time being.

Think you both need to calm down and get yourselves to Relate for some couples counselling. Do you think the row before the antenatal class might have been triggered by your DH being worried / frightened as it underlines the fact the baby will arrive soon and he will be financially responsible for your all (at least in the short term).

If you text your husband that you want to divorce him, what do you expect back?? You're about to be parents, your baby doesn't deserve to be born into a home full of arguments.

I don't know but it generally sounds like you both don't or can't communicate well.

you have your issues and will be absorbed by your pregnancy and worried about money and as you said you feel powerless.

He is providing for all of you and is responsible for all finances and a business etc and this is no doubt very stressful for him.

somewhere along the line neither of you is seeing the others point of view. We all say things in the heat of the moment and the whole "i want a divorce" thing is obviously not what you really mean. In future, don't lash out and say things that you don't actually mean!

You need to sit down calmly (maybe with a 3rd party?) and talk about things. I get where you're coming from regarding money as it is very hard to go from earning your own money to being dependent on someone else. I have been there myself.

I don't think you really want to break up, you just don't know how to handle things. Try and calm down for the sake of your baby. Maybe apologise for your part in things when he comes home and hopefully you instigating a conversation/apology will make him feel remorse and want to apologise too.

Ultimatums was one of the reasons that broke my first marriage.

It is not the end of your marriage, but you both need to learn to communicate with each other. Don't forget either that you are pregnant and hormonal, and he is hard working for your future. This makes things even more stressful.

I would recommend to read this , if the concept is acceptable then you could buy a book (don't want to be promotional but it really changed my understanding about how differently men see the world)

I also found useful the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus". Your DH seems a typical man to me. If you both work on your relationship, there will be no reason to divorce.

I think you both married a 12 year old, tbh

You have behaved as badly as your DH, you can't text someone to say you want a divorce and not expect him to be ok with that.

You both need to grow up and I think if you do have anger management issues you need to get counselling so that you both learn to deal with the stress that a baby is going to add to your relationship.

deluxetruffles - think you're being harshly judged above.

I wouldn't doubt for a second that you're not abusive. Your situation sounds horribly, horribly familiar.

Have you heard of the word projection?

It sounds very much like most abuse - he's making you out to be the bad, violent and abusive one, when in fact it's him.

It's very, very hard to see clearly what's going on when you're always being told that everything is your fault.

Relationships like the one you are in are relentlessly draining, and to be honest you probably can't fix it. I'd look up bullying or narcissistic personality disorder on the web and see if anything rings a bell.

^It sounds very much like most abuse - he's making you out to be the bad, violent and abusive one, when in fact it's him.

It's very, very hard to see clearly what's going on when you're always being told that everything is your fault^

Or judging from the post above could that be what she is doing to him?

Abuse is a terrible thing but why are some on here so, so determined to put the man at fault in every situation when it's not clear, men are abused too.

Agree that you both sound like you need to get some help. Together or alone.
Stop arguing by text too, it cannot be achieving anything but making you angrier and more stressed.A few days to calm down apart might help but I would try Relate or similar soonest as the appointments take a while to set up.

because she can say when she's been childish.

also - he is the one name-calling, sulking and accusing her of stuff that he is doing.

and because the whole tone of her e-mail suggests she is experiencing something very similar to my experience. And my ex was very abusive, physically and psychologically.

also - he is the one name-calling, sulking and accusing her of stuff that he is doing

So is she!

You said he suggested you giving up work and he would support you, but that you now have to ask him for money . That doesnt reflect an equal partnership and you definateley shouldnt feel like you are a drain on him.

I dont like this phone call he made to your mum at all and i wonder if he is attempting to make you look unstable so that you wont be beleived if you start to complain about his behaviour.

He says you dont involve him in the pregnancy yet didnt come to antenatal or attend your scans , what reasons did he give for not coming and supporting you ?

Shouting , swearing and sulking at your pregnant wife isnt ok. Someone else mentioned projecting and it might be worth reading up on this so you can see if thats happening to you. You can also make a list of the things he calls you / says that you are, then look at it closeley. If your reading a list of his shortcomings its likeley hes projecting.

IF you are in an abusive relationship it can be hard to tell because youll be blamed for everything and told what you think and feel , they will deny things theyve said or done and deliberateley gaslight you to throw you off balence. Your feelings wont be respected and any attempt to discuss them will be thwarted by ignoring, sulking , shoting over you, or minimising.

Youll be too sensitive , take things too seriously, nothing he does is good enough, what more do you want ect. Plus, youll cry, a LOT, and receive no comfort from him.

I suggest you start to read websites about emotional and verbal abuse and see if that applys to your situation. Youve said that you too have a temper so im not sure if like others have said, your both caught in a viscious cycle, or if the reason your getting angry is because of the way your being treated.

Thank you dignified and chattymitchy.

I was surprised at how vitriolic some of the other replies have been. It is hard to write down everything that has happened so you miss bits out and skim over stuff and perhaps the complete picture isn't painted.

I appreciate that the man is not always in the wrong but I think it is harsh to automatically assume that I am abusing my husband emmyloulou. Because men can be abused it does not automatically mean that I must be doing that.

He used the term verbal abuse at me but he seems to use that term when I say shouting, having a go etc. I think he knows it will get a reaction and will make it sound more weighty.

To clarify, he did come to both scans with me. He didn't come to the antenatal class because I left after he called me the names and I said I couldn't walk into a class with him after that. He did know where the class was taking place though and could have come under his own steam.

I don't know - I feel like it was dream and that I am purposefully blocking it out now as I don't want to deal with it and what it all means.

Sorry but in your own words you can be just as cruel to him, and your sentenece was worded to suggest you have been abusive to him in the past, as if it were ok as you hadn't been violent or abusive last night.

So the majority in this thread think it's probably 6 of one and half a dozen of the other and I get picked out again, just because I happen to spot the obvious and don't drop in for a spot of manbashing............how tiresome, but not suprised.

It sounds like you are both tired, you from the pregnancy, he from working, but there are clearly communication problems here.

I think he called your parents because, don't forget, you are the one who talked divorce. He tried to make sure someone was there for you (if it couldn't be him).

You do come across as someone who clearly can be verbally abusive, in your post you call him a spiteful bitch !! That is not to say he isn't as well ...

You need to speak to each other, you BOTH need to apologise to each other and try and work this out.

People have obviously come to the conclusion that you are as bad as each other as you said that you also have a temper.

You said its hard to recall specific things ect, but in a way, the specifics dont really matter. You sound unhappy and down when this should be a loveley time for you.

What matters is how you feel. Do you feel respected and loved in this relationship ?
Does he listen to your thoughts and feelings . does he apologise sinserley when wrong, or is nothing his fault and you make him do and say things and he takes no responsibility ?

Is it often like this, or is this just a one off row ?

Ive just noticed you said that right from the start he sulked and was spitefull, is he still doing this , because sulking in anyone other than a small child is a form of emotional abuse.

Theres several books that might be worth you reading if you think your relationship is abusive , and you can get them on amazon for a few quid. Alternativeley womens aid are good for a chat, you dont need to be being beaten to speak to them.

Lundy bancroft, why does he do that, and living with the dominater by pat evans are good books. People tend to think abuse takes the form of screaming and shouting, but it also comes in the form of ignoring, sulking, jokes at your expense , general put downs, gaslighting and manipulating. It can be hard to spot because your always made to feel unreasonable.

Fwiw , i would occasionally explode at my ex, and i was all too willing to admit i was perhaps a bit hot headed , not surprising the crap i was putting up with. Do you have a temper with other people ? Do YOU think your abusive to him ?

"No I am not violent. I once defended myself against him but that is it."

What do you mean by this? Has he been violent towards you?

I would be inclinded to stop wondering who is abusing who and start listening to each other.

Someone needs to get this back into the adult arena and it might as well be you.

If you can't get it there on your own then make an appointment with Relate.

Its just going round in circles atm.

Relate will help you both.

I you had to defend yourself against him , that doesnt make you violent. You should never ever have to put up with that.