I think we are going to split i've tried my best but it's just so bloody horrible

[alloutofhope]

I've name changed for this, me going on Mn is one of the things DH gives me a hard time about and he keeps threatening to see what i've posted when he's at work.

I could write an essay about us but I won't. I've posted about it before mainly about when he's being a t**t after one of our nasty arguments but not when I've just been feeling sad.

We've been together 11 years, married for 5 our marriage has been pretty much horrible. I think he's chnages towards me since then, he seems less respectful and loving towards me. Getting pg with dd despite using contraception 6 weeks after we married nearly destroyed us. he went out and got pissed I stayed at home and cried, felt suicidal,felt desparate. but we pulled through and had ds now nearly 1 and it's been even more horrible this time round. he's angry, bitter jealous resentful and unsupportive. not to mention childish and so emotionally immature i feel like I'm living with a 15 year old. But he can be kind, he's a great Dad and tries his best to support us. he claims to love me but I'm not so sure

But it's not all him, i have very little respect for him and contemptuous and scathing. i nag him a lot about housework. we have very little in common anymore. I'm not that interested in what he has to say and he goes on and on and on boringly, he seems unable to summarise or be succinct. We have horrible nasty arguments. we're both controlling.

I'm sick of crying all the time and I'm just trying to get through both dcs birthdays and ds christening before i go. he won't go, I'll have to leave despite having no money. he'll get the house I'll porb be left with nothing. i want to go for joint custody but he'll no doubt fight with me about that.

I'm so gutted all my dreams have gone, I see all our friends so happy in their relationships and I've f**ked everything up. I don't know anyone apart from us who'd split up. When I leave I'll become a pariah and apart from a couple of long term female friends I'll have no one. I never succeed in an anything very well at all. If it wasn't for my dcs I really wouldn't bother sticking around. But because of them I want to be quiet and calm in a house or a flat somewhere away from this war zone that me and H have created. I can't face making that first move. I have no cash for a deposit on a rented property, I can't go to my parents as I don't want to stress them out. He's not physically abusive I don't need a shelter or a refuge.

How the f**k do I do this??

I have no personal experience of this, so can't offer practical support, but I will say that you needn't worry about what other people say/think - and just because other people seem to be happily married on the outside is no guarantee that they actually are.

I'm sorry to read your post and I hope that you get the help that you need.

Just re read, had dd now 4 then things got better and had ds. He's totally unsupportive emotionally but very good financially and practically

But a good marriage is one where there is emotional support (both ways) - it does sound like yours has run its course .

Do you think counselling would help? Sometimes counselling can be about how to separate as well as looking to see if a relationship can be re-built.

counselling may well be the trigger that initiates the split. he says he loves me but I don't really think he does,not now. After the hideous time we had after dd was born he still loved me, there was real emotion there when we argued and when i did leave and go to stay with my parents for one night he was genuinely beside himself wanting us back. But now he seems cold and angry.

Back then it was about his behaviour and not coping which we did something about but now it's something else.

Thanks for responding btw.

alloutofhope - what about you, though? It's not all a one way street - do you love him? Do you think the love that you must have had for him in the first place is still there? It's a mssively difficult time for all of us, the early years of parenthood, and it can become too overwhelming.

If you could step away from your roles as parents and back into your roles as lovers and partners, do you think that would help?

Part of the problem has been that since dd was born we have had very little time for just us and although we argued before there's was loads of love there.

My parents assured me of their help when pg with dd especially as I was so distraught about being pg unexpectedly. However despite my hideous PND it never materialised. We do have nights out together but always with friend, and my parents do come up to see the dcs but it's been made pretty clear there's no chnace of an overnight or a weekend away for us.

Dh to be fair has tried to sort this in the past but got no where. i explained to my Mum we were nearly splitting up after dd was born and we needed time out but no offer of help. I know I shouldn't but when all of our friend have weekends away, whole nights off holidays as a couple then exclaim in wonder as to why we don't get that I do get a bit jealous and resentful. But that's a different subject.

I do love him.

I miss the man he used to be and i miss my best friend which is what he was to me.

Why are you blaming yourself so much? Its not all your fault, you haven't fucked up
You say you do love him, so why not go to Relate and try and work it out together. It is so so hard when you have small dc isn't it.
If you really want to split though it is possible and not as hard as you would think. Go to the CAB and find out what benefits you would be entitled to and get yourself on the Housing register and take it one step at a time from there.

I don't think I could claim benefits. I'm due to return from mat leave to work next month and I've stupidly cut down my hours slightly due to childcare so am on less than before but still way over the benefit threshold. I'd still have to contribute to the childcare plus rent and bills, just don't think my salary would coevr it. rents extortionate round here although i could move a mile or so away i suppose to somewhere cheaper.

Is housing assoc/council rent cheaper?? Also can you then still buy your council property after a certain amount of time?

You might not get benefits but as a single parent you might be entitled to tax credits, its worth looking into.
Council housing is cheaper than private renting, but its unlikely you could buy the house, some areas do a shared ownership scheme where you part rent and part buy.
Its worth going to the CAB just to check out your options.

Have you thought about counselling? Couple therapy and/or individual ones. You might see your other friends happy in their relationships, but if you knew their mumsnet account might see a different picture all together. It just looks to me like two frustrated people rather than bad ones. Please seek help - if you once loved him there is a chance of loving him again...please ask for help at least from people you know and respect!