How can I support my mum through radiotherapy esp as our relationship is strained?

[poshsinglemum]

Has anyone had experience of supporting someone through radiotherapy?

My mum and I have always had a bit of a rocky relationship but I do love her. She was diagnosed with mouth cancer two months ago and had to undergo a huge operation.

Although the operation was succesful, she still has to have a course of radiotherapy. She's terrified and has been saying she's rather die and wished that they had never operated.

I'm feeling really guilty as we had a big argument yesterday. She was scolding me and I forgot she was ill and was a bitch to her. I apologised. We have always had this relationship whereby we are totally awful to each other and then we apologise. (I have a lot of unresolved feelings concerning how she treated me when I was little)

I want to support her through radiotherapy but she will be knackered and won't want to be around us much.

Anyone help please?

It's going to be painful for her to eat (I think) so perhaps some home-made soup, or something like that.
It's tiring, so do some housework for her (not around her, maybe while she sleeps).
Actually, Macmillan are very good on this, and will advise you best, plus can counsel you - they are fantastic.

The worst bit of radiotherapy is all the travelling back and forth as it will be at least 30 visits to the hospital, so could you take her a few times a week?

She'll need to eat lots of high calorie foods, and will get a very sore throat, so creamy, non acidic soups, ready to take out of the freezer and add milk shake bases will be great

Puzzle mags and other things she can put down and pick up are good

She'll have to be v careful with her skin, so no perfumes or smelly stuff

Radiotherapy can be hard going, but is nowhere near as bad as the operation or chemo, and the treatment itself is v quick and totally painless

Hi,

They are assuming that her throat will blister up so they are going to insert a tube and feed her that way. Cancer really is awful isn't it?

It is. My grandmother had throat cancer. Luckily it was a small area and was caught early (grandmother still with us!). I wasn't living nearby at the time, and my mum was her carer, and I got quite a lot of long phone calls from her basically offloading. Do you have a bit of a support network you can lean on?

Hi
Talking books/DVDs of light programmes she likes/CDs to take her mind of things if she is tired and feeling sick?
Pretty but practical clothes to wear to her sessions? (Eg easy to wear pull on trousers - M and S do some nice jersey ones in dark colours) and a couple of pretty blouses - again easy to put on but pretty enough to cheer her up or at least make her feel she is looking nice?
Cards with pictures of the family on a happy occasion preferably including nice photos of her?
Keeping all conversations as light and caring as possible and ignoring any triggers to anything that might upset you both?
Cancer is terrible - I do hope the treatment goes well for your poor mum. Look after yourself too as it is very hard to be in your position.
It is a long haul.
Once she can eat - nice food that she can stand would be great - as suggested above.
Nice, easy to heat and eat soups (eg lentil, chicken broth etc), and ice cream?
Good luck.

When you are a cancer patient, there is usually a lot to think about. Why not offer to help her with co-ordinating all her appointments, blood tests, doctors visits etc? While she is feeling ill, who will be keeping her home running? She will still need help in things like getting the car serviced, cleaning the windows, so on. Help her ensure she is claiming all the benefits she is entitled to and receiving all the help she needs. I found that an easy way to communicate with the family and give updates was to do an email regualarly, this cut down on phone calls where you are repeating the same news forty seven times! Perhaps you could volunteer to do that for her, or even a little blog (know a few people who've done that through their illness, and it works well as you control the amount of info, and people can dip in as and when they are ready/want to). Also, please ensure that other friends and family are briefed on not visiting when they are ill/streaming with cold/their children have measles - sounds obvious but you'd be surprised at how many entitled parents are out there who think their dear little snotty child is just the ticket to cheer up a patient with a compromised immune system!! Hope that is a few helpful pointers.

Hiya.I work at a cancer centre and specialise in those having radiotherapy to the head and neck.They have lots of leaflets which will let you know the people you can speak with and about the treatment.

Has she had the mask fitting yet? Can be pretty claustrophobic but even those who have claustrophobia tolerate it...we arrange sessions with the occupational therapist for relaxation to help.

The treatment session itself is short,but the daily journey is tiring. Is there a place in the hospital to stay during treatment? Ours has one but usually for those who have far to travel.

Some people have little effects for the first few weeks but become noticeable in about week 3. She'll have a very dry, sore, mouth and throat, possibly ulcers. It's not pleasant and a lot of patients find the radiotherapy worse than the actual surgery. Effects continue after treatment as the radiotherapy continues to work. If she's having chemo as well, the effects will be stronger.

A lot of patients say they wish they'd never had the surgery and/or radiotherapy. A lot of the strongest complainers do very well and they are generally the ones we look forward to seeing the most as we know that they are prepared for the worst.

She may well need a feeding tube, I'd go for that option if offered, the earlier the better to prevent discomfort on it being passed. Keeping up the patients strength prevents complications. She'll be admitted as an inpatient if this is the case.

Radiotherapy is like a full time job for patients, constant appointments with lots of different people. She will get support and you should as well.

A lot of people go through it, the other option of no treatment is a lot worse. She's doing what needs to be done, they're aiming for cure from the sounds of it and that's good news.

All the best with this. Hope you find lots of support at the place where she's getting treated.

PSM

Sod guilt and feeling guilty for this woman. Easy to write though, far harder to achieve.

Do you think she now has any guilt pangs herself now over how she treated you as a child?.

I feel for you because you have a lot of unresolved feelings stirring around inside you and now you're able whilst she is very ill. The parent child role has probably also reversed now to an extent. You know how she treated you as a child and I bet you a pound to a penny she has never either properly apologised for her actions, has tried to blame you for her failings in various ways (along the lines of oh you were a difficult child) or even accepted any responsibility for her actions. She may have only apologised too because you did so first.

Many children, now adults, who had toxic parents (BTW they rarely change even as they get older) can get trapped in the fog re them - fear, obligation, guilt. You may want to look at the "stately homes" thread on these pages and read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward.

Do you have siblings?. If so can they do more?. It should not be down to you alone re your mum.

Personally I would talk to her doctors about her fears and seek advice from Macmillan re her ongoing care when she leaves hospital. I would do as much as you can in terms of getting support in when she leaves hospital but you don't and should not have to do it all.

PSM - I don't know your history with your mum but my mum had to undergo radiotherapy last year, for breast cancer.

Her main side effect was that she was so tired and struggled to do very 'simple' things so I suppose I tried to help out as much as I practically could with the house and meals etc.

I think also, just to be a good listener - I realise my relationship with my mum will be different to yours though.

Hope you are ok

Thanks all for your help. My mum wasn't great when I was a kid but it wasn't ball awful. She was very ill and I still love her. She's very vulnerable and has created much drama for herself but she's still mum and I want to help. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.I put her through hell in my early 20s.
I've read the stately home thread and it makes me feel sad and angry. I realise that some people need to cut their parents off as they are still being bad now but mum has apologised to me and seen a doctor with regards to how she treated me and the guilt she has.
Our parents weren't the best but being a parent is TOUGH. You have to get the physical and emotional survival of a child just so and it really is an impossible task. Whatever decisions we make for our kids will be wrong on some level.
Mum had pnd. Horrid illness.

I am sorry to read that your Mum had PND, it was not properly recognised or even talked about at any length even 10 years ago and help was not as readily available as it is nowadays.

It is not your fault she at the time acted like this, she should have received more help than she did.

There is a world of difference though between parents who make mistakes that do not harm our childrens welfare in either the short or long term (we all do this) and those parents who deliberately undermine, blame, abuse and belittle their children consistently throughout their childhood.

You wrote initially that you still have a lot of unresolved feelings concerning how she treated you when you were little; these need resolution.

I try to talk to my mum but she won't have it. I wanted to tell her some positive stories about some friends who have survived cancer and radiotherapy but she dosn't want to talk about it. I called her a crap mum the other day because she was being rude to em and I forgot she was ill as I saw red. She always makes me see red then I abuse her. I'm a shit daughter.
Whenever I do apologise though she says that ''she's used to it'' or something.