how do you know when divorce is the right option?

[lustyglaze]

May I start by saying I am a regular but have name changed for reasons that will become obvious.

DH and I have been on a rocky road for a few years now. We trod a rocky road before we got married too with two separations. We have been going to Relate since April but I think that if I knew for sure our children would not be traumatised by divorce then I would start proceedings tomorrow.

I think that feeling has been brought to a head by seeing my mother in law this weekend with her long term partner, seeing the relationship they have and thinking 'that's what I want'. They obviously respect one another, love one another unconditionally, want to do things together and to do things for one another and enjoy each others company. I then see my mum with her partner and I think that is what DH and i will be like in years to come. Either doing separate things or bickering and arguing.

But, what about the children DH and I had a huge row yesterday. For the first time ever I think, it was within ear shot of the dcs. DD (5) was quite traumatised by it and wouldn't go to bed until DH and I had apologised to each other. Thankfully we don't actually argue very often but there is a tension in the house and we rarely show any affection to each other (we do still have sex but that's because we both enjoy it).

Sorry, I'm rambling and rambling. I just need to work out, how do you decide that divorce is the right thing? How do you decide that the marriage is so bad that it's better for the children (age 9 and 5) to put them through their parents divorcing than to make them stay in a family home with two people who don't really want to be together but can get by if they need to.

TIA

I wish I had divorced when my children were young.

My 7yr old is coping very very well with the change. Her teenager siblings are not

Divorce is the right thing and was the right thing for us.

I just prevaricated for too long which I bitterly regret

was yours a one sided decision VLKS or were you both ready for divorce? Does that make a difference do you think? I wonder if DH is feeling the same way as me but neither of us wants to be the first one to verbalise it.

Well he would have stayed married but did not 'give' to the marriage. He resisted divorce in the manner of anyone experiencing change?

He's happier divorced and has waltzed off with another woman quick as a flash.

I don't think either of us wanted divorce. I was the most unhappy though.

I bitterly regret wasting so many years. I also realise that the nice comfortable front and family life I was thought I preserving was a farce and a hollow farce and the teens felt it.

A good old honest divorce has got to beat that painful pretence

thanks for sharing that with me. It seems quite a similar situation to ours then. I think that to the outside world we look like we've got quite a nice life but actually, is pretty pants.

Have you thought about talking to your mother in law and mother? IMO people who have stayed married a long time are often good advisers; they will both have gone through some awful times. It will also make it less of a shock for them if you do split up, and that can only be good news for future family relationships.

not sure about that maktaitai but I'm off to bed now so I'll take that thought with me and ponder.
Thank you both for posting.

Have no advice I'm afraid, but in a very similar situation to you, so will be following this thread with interest to hear from others' experience.

Yes me to, no real advice but your thread and VLKS advice sounds very familiar to me, glad i am not alone, it is such a worry wondering about the DC.

Me too. I don't know what to do for the best and worry about ds (4). Will be watching this, sorry no advice though