friendship crossed a line?

[slamin]

I have a friend, known him for about 3 years, been really close friends about 6 months. Always been attracted to him but when we first met we were both in long term relationships so it was more of a superficial attraction. Didn?t see each other for a few months towards the end of last year then when we met again I was single and he was in a new relationship. He told me he wished we had met again a couple of months earlier when he had also been single but seemed happy enough with his new partner and so we went on as friends.

Now we meet up at least once a week, just hang out, chat, watch tv, take my kids to the park. He works near me and lives out of town so we meet during his lunch break or after work before he goes home. Last week he came to my house and was reading to my kids, I had said I was tired so he pulled me across so I was leaning on him and told me to have a nap whilst he read to the kids. Whilst he was reading to them he was stroking my hair, kissing my forehead, running his fingers up and down my arm then my son climbed up and he was cuddling us both. After he left he sent me a text saying he had loved cuddling me and could do that every time.

A few days later we were talking and he mentioned a film and offered to lend it to me. I said it was a shame he couldn?t watch it with me one evening and he said he could easily come over but he didn?t trust himself. I just laughed it off and he said we?ll see about coming round (I took that as a no because don?t we all mean no when we say we?ll see to the kids ).

I deliberately haven?t contacted him over the weekend because I have felt myself falling for him and have wanted some space to get over it. Today he sent me a text saying I?m missing you, always thinking about you.

Now I don?t know what to think. Is he looking for an affair with me? Can we ever be just friends? I would not agree to be the OW but it would also break my heart to lose his friendship so as much as I would like to do the right thing by his partner I really wouldn?t want to stop seeing him.

Wow, what a pickle.

Well, personally I think yes, he probably is looking for an affair. If he wanted more than a fling then i'm sure he would have got rid of his current girlie by now.

I would say next time you see him and it's just the two of you, just bring it up and ask him. What's going on here?Do you like me?What are you looking for?The usual stuff.

It's complicated with kids though isn't it. You can't just experiment and take a chance as much.

Just be honest. Remember though if he does eventually leave her for you, he might be the kind of guy that enjoys the chase more than the catch.

Good luck :)

I wouldn't say he is definitely looking for an affair.

Why don't you say how much you enjoy being with him but that you would only go out with him if he was a single guy. If he is keen on you he will split up with the girlfriend and start going out with you.

Best to be clear and then you know where you are.

Thanks both of you.

The thing is, I was happy with us being friends and wasn't expecting anything more from him. I just really enjoy his company. I would be quite happy for us to continue just as friends. But him saying stuff like that to me confuses me, because if he feels that way then we aren't just friends are we? Not really.

I think he has feelings for you and you need to nip things in the bud. Ask him if he wants more than friendship with you and see what he says.

He is sending you mixed messages and being very unfair on you and his girlfriend. I'd ask him outright what he wants. He can't have his cake and eat it.

And as 'nice' as he may be, I doubt his girlfriend would approve of the turn your friendship is taking.

He definitely wants more with you, but maybe he wants to be sure you will reciprocate before he splits with his girlfriend. Hedging his bets in a bit of a cowardly fashion, I'd say

Needless to say, this is very unfair on his girlfriend (and you).

Do what pippo1 says

You are right.
If I was in a relationship with someone and found out he had been that way with another woman I would see it as cheating, even if nothing had actually happened.

Fuck. Such a mess.

Not really. He has over stepped the mark and he needs telling.

It's sortable, but I think both of you have been creating the space for an affair to happen for quite a while.....

He needs to man up and be honest now

Eek Jamie, I hadn't thought I was creating space for an affair. I really did think we were just friends

Sorry - I realise that sounded harsh. I don't think you were, but I think he might have been - he told you right from the off that he wished he'd met you when he was single.

FWIW, it sound like you get on really well

No I didn't think you were being harsh. It's just that writing it down and getting other people's perspectives is making me realise how unfair this is on her and now I feel like a bitch. Because really, until now I haven't really thought about how all this would seem to her.

When you haven't, particularly, been thinking about your Dear Old Pal as someone who might want to shag you, it can come as a bit of a surprise when said person starts making signals that shagging you is something s/he would rather like to do. So don't blame yourself too much, OP, for not having instantly leapt up shrieking 'Unhand me you vile beast you are SPOKEN FOR!'
Before you see him again, have a think about whether you actually want to date him or have sex with him. If you don't (and remember, no one is ever entitled to sex or a relationship with you just because it's what they want, you get a choice here) then tell him firmly that you think of him as a friend and no more. If you do, then don't let him fanny around ducking the issue, tell him that you will only date him when he is single.
If he hasn't been with his GF long and has no DC with her, then yes her feelings will be hurt if he dumps her, but (again) no one is entitled to a relatinship and people dump partners all the time.

PMSL SGB, I may well use that line next time I see him

Seriously though, I do need to think about whether I actually want more from him. My first reaction would be why the hell wouldn't I? I've always found him attractive, we get on extremely well, my kids love him. But then as someone else pointed out further down it could be the thrill of the chase for him, and I could very well find him doing the same to me. Plus him hedging his bets (if that is what he is doing) isn't that attractive really and doesn't particularly bode well for a relationship.

Argh.

Be clear with him. If you like him, tell him, but be clear that he cannot have you as an "on the side girl"

If thats all he wanted, I personally would be offended that he thought I would be happy with some his scraps, but thats just me :)