Grandmother's favourite

[mummyofonegirl]

My DM seems to favour my DN (nephew) over my DD.

whenever i try to speak to her about my DD somehow we end up talking about my DN. Granted DN lives 10 mins away and we live further. they spent virtually every day together. but you would think that she would welcome spending time with DD too.

in an attempt to get them to bond DD is currently spending the week with my DM. But all activities they have planned also involves DN. I know that DD enjoys DN's company up to a point but even she gets fed up of him not sharing his toys and taking her toys and not giving them back to her, wanting to be the centre of attention etc

even on DD's last birthday, DM said she would visit DD to spend the evening with her As she hardly visits us as it is, we were all so excited. but she surprised us by bringing DN along with her. as nice as it was for them to play I was sad that she did not think it necessary to spend quality time with DD alone, even on her special day. LAter my brother turned up unexpected (DN's dad) which annoyed me even more. despite me showing and pouring love onto DN (from birth)my brother has done the absolute opposite to DD. I was so sad that DD had all of the attention taken from her on her birthday.

Every time i visit my DM the first thing that my younger siblings or DM do is pick up the phone and ask for DN to pop over and the fussing over DN starts again. Often DD is left to entertain her self and always takes second stage for "perfect" DN.

I have spoken to DM and siblings (but not my brother) about this and they all deny it. things changed for a while and it has started again. I even mentioned the fact that i would like to visit without my Brother and DN being there and have the benefit of her company exclusivlly as they do but i was told by DM that she cannot tell Brother and his family not to come over (he often just turns up whereas I never do.)
I know that they obviously bond due to frequency that they see eachother and also as brother is only son and a grandson is replacement for not having a son. where as my DD maybe just like another daughter to DM. it still hurts.
I hope DD does not notice it during this long stay.

My DP said that i should invite DM out around where i live and show her our world rather than trying to fit in to hers. i think i will try this.

Have any of you had similar experiences and if so how have you dealt with it?

(PLease forgive typos I should be working but cannot get this off of my mind and trying to type before my boss returns!!!)

I do understand how you feel. I always felt my DC were less 'important' than their cousins to PIL.

I think that some of it was simply that SILs DC were older and therefore more 'interesting' for the GP. When my DS1 was born DNephew was already part of their lives, running around and talking. He was the eldest and so he did everything first and MIL inparicular doted(sp?) on him . Later when SIL had a DD she became their little princess so my DS still didn't get a look in. As in your case the GP saw SILs DC almost daily.

Probably DB & DN are special to your DM. It's not fair but it does happen. I'm sure your mother also loves you and your DD.

You could invite your DM out for a day trip, or for a meal with just you and your DP & DD.

Sorry I don't have any answers!

Thank you notagrannyyet for your response. It is sad that these things happen. Especially when you feel helpless. I suppose our parents are not prefect.

Our common factor seems to be how familiar the GP are with their Granchildren You idea is a good one and I will try to involve her more in our lives.

Wishing you all the best for your situation too

We have the same problem in our family. My mother favours my eldest child over her other grandchildren, including my youngest.

The problem for me is that, as a mother, she favoured my brother over myself and my siblings, so that I don't want to talk about the matter with her because I don't want to open old wounds.(My brother passed away)

I talk to my eldest about it though. She is aware that she is seen as the 'Golden Child' and loves it! I've explained why my mother sees her that way - she reminds my Mum of my brother. The main thing is that I've explained how painful it can be to know you are not the favourite.My eldest plays down my Mums favouritism in front of her sister and cousins. When my youngest is old enough to notice the favouritism, I think I'll just explain it the same way to her.

It all sounds terribly unhealthy, but that's the way my Mum's always been. For my own part , I love my kids the same and make sure they know it!

Favouring the eldest GC is probably quite common. I'm sure most GP don't do it consciously (sp?). Little babies are less interesting for other people...they don't do much, and it's probably only mummy and daddy who can do the PFB thing. GP and others can get much more involved with older children.
Also the first born in any family is probably showered with more gifts. I definately noticed this DS1 & DD had bank account opened by relatives. DS2, DS3, DS4 & DS5 didn't......Yes I do realise the novelty would have worn off for most families by the time it got to number six

I completely understand this, and I feel so hurt on your daughter's behalf. I have twins, but my MIL favours one SO much over the other. She actually asked last week if she could have her favourite over to her house (and not her twin!). I don't have any answers. You have done completely the right thing by bringing it up with your mother, and your DP's suggestion about getting your mum to fit into your lives is a very good one. Good luck with it. And if you DO find a solution, post it here for me!

I'm sorry I'm coming to this really late, but wanted to say that I sympathise. It all shows that there's no age limit on behaving in an insensitive and actually quite immature way. I am constantly surprised by how silly my FIL (an educated man with an 'important' career)can be where his GCs are concerned (my son and my SIL's daughter).PILs see GD much more than my son, partly because they live a bit closer (not much) and partly because SIL I think likes it that way. FIL goes on to anyone who'll listen, including me, my parents and friends, about how wonderful GD is. He's really trophy-ist about her if you know what I mean. He seems to have decided that her and my son's characters are going to be a certain way - my son the placid one (like his father), GD the difficult and therefore more 'interesting' one, like, as far as FIL is concerned, his daughter, my SIL. He revels in SIL's 'difficult' characteristics (others might just call them childish and attention-seeking)and seems to want them passed on. In a nutshell (and now I'm really shit-stirring) I think he prefers SIL and is transmitting that in his feelings about the GCs. A psychologist would have a field day.

PILs show my son affection, but it's all as if he's GD mark 2; he has to have lots of presents and experiences just because GD's had them. They don't revel in him in the same way; they've seen it all before and everything he does stands in relation to GD.

The point I'm coming to is that maybe GPs are not doing the fussed-over GC any favours at all and maybe the 'second choice' ones will turn out much better adjusted for not having been spoiled and smothered. That's what I console myself with. Also I try to remember that one set of GPs are nowhere near the whole story in terms of moulding my child; I know he'll get lots of unconditional doting of the right kind from me and hubby and my parents. beyond that I don't have any answers. I'm a wuss and haven't confronted anybody about it yet; I'm not sure the right time has arisen yet. I'm going to try and separate what's irritating to me but frankly their problem from what might actually affect my child. Difficult...