Am I expecting too much from DH?

[rainbowcat]

My DH is a lovely person with some problems. He is addicted to cannabis (more to hashish, not the green stuff), it's probably same stuff. He used to smoke but he quit when we had second child this year which I think is amazing.

We have been having holiday for about a month. We have been arguing a lot about childcare and not getting on in general. Things that I don't like are

• he uses hashish everyday, even when not on holiday, every evening, sometimes daytimes as well.

• first he wanted us to go everywhere together, a 3 year old and 4 month old baby (which isn't possible because of the excruciating sun, wind, and sand) and now he has learned that we can't always be together at the same time same place everywhere because I left him once with charge of the baby and it was a catastrophe.

• remarking, even in joke, that my stomache and thigh muscles need to be built up..??

• he has been asking ME if he can go snorkelling with his nephew and when can I have baby and our child..?? I said whenever he wants and he got angry..??

I feel that he feels trapped by having kids here where he wants to act like he is a single person without a family. Don't get me wrong he is lovely with our kids but I feel like he should put his needs aside for this summer and he can act a bit adult and parent like even if we are on holiday.

Maybe I feel like that because I'm breastfeeding and feel as though I have to nurture everyone and I'm not even expecting to look after my own needs to start with at the moment.

I don't know why we feel so resentful of each other and wish that we can just get along without all this stres of not getting one when there is enough stress in childcare...

oh and he has episodes of depression so I do worry about him a lot in case he gets very down

I am no doctor but the drugs won't be helping his depression. No, you are not expecting too much from him.

Sorry, he quit when you had your second child, but your second child is 4 months old and he uses hashish every evening and sometimes during the day? So he's not quit at all, has he? And he can't be trusted to be in charge of his own baby even though it's a second child and presumably he knows what's involved?

Sounds to me that you're expecting him to be a responsible adult. Which, no, isn't too much.

sorri but he doesnt sound lovely - he is putting his needs (eg to smoke) first.

his depression is his problem to sort out - you cannot sort it for him.

telling someone who had a baby four months ago that their body needs work - well it isnt on - my exP used to do that it is soul destroying.

doesnt ound like he is cut out for parenthood -but the more you do for him the less he will do. ddid the baby get put in danger when you left baby with him? if no then leave baby more - let him sort it out... if yes in real danger then serious thinking needs to be done- maybe an ultimatum he seeks help and bucks up or ....

Smoking any form of cannabis can create or exacerbate mental health problems. He needs to realise that smoking weed is not compatible with being a responsible father. And, when he gives up the weed, he will find it easier to function.

I can leave the baby with him. I completely trust him with our children to start with. He has always smoked hashish which I'm sure is linked to depression, but he just won't consider after years of pleading. He knows that it is a problem. I used to smoke with him when we were childless and I have changed a lot since then, I suppose became a responsible adult more or less and sorted my problems out (bulimic no more! hurray).

he says maybe I want some blue collar all straight person which he wasn't when I met him so expecting him to be like that is impossible.

he has quit smoking cigarretes that he has been smoking for more than 20 years which I think IS huge.

I have no intention of leaving him at the moment and want to work on the relationship especially with two young children that we have.

I see now that I do more than he does..and I feel responsible when I shouldn't. But then he always says he does more - cleans the house more usually and sorts things like tax, cars, driving us around..

I should let him be responsible for himself as well. Maybe we have codependent relationship. I seem to always ask him to do things for me..he never asks me to do things..?? I don't know why. I'm just bit confused and very disenchanged with him at the moment and at times very angry at him...but then he gets more angry and it's so stressful to be angry at each other I just leave it alone.

I suppose it also is getting used to two babies intead of one...and I thought maybe I'm more emotional as I'm breastfeeding..

It's a dark tunnel at the moment.

I don't think this is anyone's fault at all but just want to make things better somehow.

you may be more emotional. seek a few sessions of counsellig to talk things thru. for you. sounds like as you say you ahve grown up and he hasnt - so at times you will feel you have three children now...

but if he fine with teh kids then leave him regularly with them . at four months you can easily go off for two to three hours at a time.

Would he agree to scale down the hashish? Maybe smoking a smaller quantity would help.

Oh, I see - he quit smoking cigarettes, not hashish. That's where I was getting confused.

Yes, this sounds like an adjustment thing but I don't know where you go from here if the issue is that he simply doesn't want to be the person you want him to be.

I think counselling is the way to go.

FWIW my stepdad used to smoke cigarettes and also spliffs. He gave up the fags after many many years, but at the same time his spliff intake went up to compensate for the lack of fags IYSWIM. It sounds like your DP is doing the same.

Until we moved house, our downstairs neighbour was very like your DH by the sounds of it. Always liked a good session - used to get off his head on weed and stay up all night playing loud music. I thought it would stop when they had a child but he was still the same 3 years on. TBH I think it's a bit tragic to see dads behaving like that - they think they're still cool and relevant but they look like their having a midlife crisis.

IMO it's irresponsible to behave like this when you have young DCs. Everyone needs to let their hair down once in a while and I am not in a position to be judgemental about recreational drug and alcohol use , but every day? and not just in the evenings but during the day as well? that does not sound like a functioning human being let alone an engaged parent. You have given up lots of things now that you have kids - as you say, you have grown up, defeated some of your own demons and you are breastfeeding which is physically exhausting. He has not done the same and I think you need to spell out that yes, you do expect a bit more from him. Men seem to take longer to adjust to the parenthood thing, probably because they don't go through the immense physical changes that women do. You should make clear that you don't want some blue collar straight laced person, but that drug use does not make him intrisically more 'interesting' or 'alternative'.

Good luck - it sounds like you can work through it, but you may need patience

well he will be 40 in three years and I do feel that he is having a midlife crisis. Thank you for all the input and I'll see how it goes and I might try counselling if this feeling goes on after quitting breastfeeding.

This is no midlife crisis he's having; this is just one result of a long term addiction to cannabis. The drug use as well is likely making his depression worse as well as contributing to his overall worsening mental health. Does he have an addictive personality as well, he seems to have moved from one addictive substance to yet another.

You don't just have two children; you're now parenting a third. You are ultimately NOT responsible for him. You grew up and left all your rubbish past behind; he has not and is immature on all sorts of levels.

You mention the words "codependent relationship" - there are often elements of co-dependency within such relationships. You may want to read "Co-dependent no more" written by Melodie Beattie.

And as for, "I have no intention of leaving him at the moment and want to work on the relationship especially with two young children that we have". You want this to work but he is not willing and or able currently to put the work in from his side. If he is not bothered then you cannot solely fix this. It does not work.

Do either of you actually know what a healthy, functional relationship is?. I think not, neither of you have any idea of what a healthy relationship actually constitutes.

He is not being lovely with the children at all, he puts his needs and wants ahead of theirs as well as yours. You put up with it (he insults you and you take it) so that makes you just as culpable.

What is your 3 year old for instance learning from you both?. Actually what your dysfunctional relationship is doing to your children here is incalculable. Would you want them to have the same type of relationship as yours now is when they are adults?. No?. But this is what you are both teaching these children currently, both of you are imparting damaging lessons to these young people.

he isn't having a "mid life crisis"

that is an excuse that people make when someone is acting like a twat

he is a twat, not someone in any kind of crisis that isn't of his own making

does he actually know how to be a good partner and a good parent ?

I am thinking not

Even worse...does he actually care ?

I think I will try counselling for us. I know he is being a twat and selfish but recently he is being more and more rubbish. I'm putting it down to him becoming more insecure as his drug habits are making him more and more paranoid? I'm not taking any of his remarks personally many times which is what you have to learn when you live with depressed person. Sometimes they don't know how to act or what to say at the right time.

but this has given me a thought that I must go seek counselling with or without him to see what I can be doing better for myself and the children

good luck x

rainbow cat - it's no excuse that maybe you expect some blue collar straight person and that it's impossible for him to be like that - you must not take that as an acceptable answer.

I would be very firm and point out very clearly that when you BOTH decided to start a family - you BOTH made the decision to change your lives and to become responsible for two very small and vulnerable children.

Therefore, he must give up the hashish.

I'm assuming he would not be amused if you spent the day fucked out of your head on weed instead of looking after your two small children? Well the same goes for him - it's a joint responsibility, and he took the decision to have them, and therefore he has to take responsibility for changing his habits and to stepping up to being a good father.

I really think you need to lay out the logic just like that, instead of having him fo you off with ridiculous excuses as to why he can't be expected to change.

you sound resigned to it - making excuses, this is what you have to put up with...no it isnt.

if you want to continue to live with his issues you need to learn to set boundaries, making it clear to him what is and is not acceptable....

my exP's constant criticisms etc (he was depressed, he was stressed etcetc -i made the excuses...) didnt stop - only now we separated and this week at least he is being civil...

first off he chooses to smoke hashish and jnot take steps to stop - that is his choice...you have the right to request that now you have small children and responsibilities ANd there are side effects (eg criticisms of you putting you down etc ) then he either seeks help or you take some action.

so maybe you agree that he cant stop it but he can control it - so he goes off elsewhere once week for 24 hours to smoke with friends...whatever... and you also get your 24 hours off with your friends... negotiate, compromise has to be on both sides. (tho frankly i think time has come for him to quit...if he cant function properly and treat you with respect)

go to counselling yourself. read up on depression fallout www.depressionfallout.com/ and boundary setting. stop making excuses for him - there is no excuse for belittling you and it wont stop without drastic action on your part.

He needs to quit the drugs, there are no two ways about it.

Also, there is no way on earth that I would leave a 4 month old baby with someone who was permanently stoned! I am not being hysterical, I have extensive first hand experience of what smoking large quantities of hash does to a person over a period of time - I used to do it myself back in my young and carefree days!

He is not fit to be a father.

Thank you for all the comments. I see that I am making excuses for him. I get angry, then I calm myself down by making excuses for him, he is depressed, he is stressed, he isn't completely well, and he can't help himself, it's not his fault that he is addicted. blah blah blah. It will go on for ages.

I decided enough is enough when he took us for a drive to little town and I thought we were going to have lovely walk and sit down and relaxing time on the beach. As I thought this is nice, he stopped at his cousin's place, bought some hashish in front of two children, while the cousin was smoking dope.. stayed there for 2 hours and we just came back home. I just was in a complete shock I couldn't even get angry or think of getting children out somehow as I felt really intimidated.
I confronted him saying I don't want this sort of thing happening again after all the children were sleeping. He lost it completely saying that he had no idea there was going to be dope around or he was going to buy any there blah blah..

anyway, I'm thinking more and more now realistically about the relationship.

I think we might both be codependents. I am definitely one as I don't even know what I'm feeling half the time as I'm just trying to keep everyone happy in the family. I never treat myself to anything and never go out with friends...I will start doing that as I think it will empower me to go out alone and have fun. My world seems to be very small at the moment defined to children and DH but definitely I want to be doing something else as well.

confined even..

I went to depression fallout website, and I think many partners of depressed people are feeling the same as I am. I am feeling extremely sad today as I'm slowly accepting what this relationship has come to...hopefully I will bounce back. DH doesn't want to talk about it saying that he is not in the right frame of the mind. So it's been about few days now that we are just being childcare partners. I don't want to push him as I know that he will just retreat farther away into his drugs and depression corner.

He's retreating into that corner anyway, though, isn't he? Taking his little kids with him to buy drugs and smoke up is not at all on. I'm horrified. Do you mean you sat there for two hours while he and his friend smoked hashish in a closed room with your children in it? So they were inhaling that smoke?

I'm really sorry for you, rainbowcat, but you can't let this continue. He's not ratinoal anymore, and he's exhibiting all the behaviours you'd expect.

I think you need to ask him to move out for a bit while you think about this.