Sorry in advance, this might be very long.
I have a complex relationship with my Mum. I was close to my Dad who died many years ago, but never felt the same towards my Mum which seems soooooo sad 
Whats prompted this post is her health. She is unwell and I suspect there is something serious going on. Am trying to support her and listen to her concerns, but I really dont know how I should be feeling apart from the way I do, which is permanently gut wrenchingly guilty.
Many childhood memories arent particularly good. As a child I was sent to nursery very young for what seemed like ages every day. I hated it and driving by even now sets my heart racing (am quite sane really I promise!). I always felt like I was a bad child, although actually I dont think I was, I was pretty timid, did well at schol and well behaved. Suppose I was smacked the same as other children, but I was also threatened with being 'sent away' when I was very 'naughty'. In fact I vividly remember my Mum walking me to the postbox to post the letter to the people who would take me away - into care I think the threat was. My dad happened to drive by and they didnt post the letter ( I guess looking back there wasnt actually anything in the envelope, it was just to scare me). I would have been 7 or 8 I think.
My Mum boasts to this day about how brave I was when I was ill as a very small child; about how I would get up on my own, be sick or whatever, then go back to bed and only tell her in the morning. Apparently I would only have been 3 or 4. That doesnt seem to be something to boast about to me, I'd have been devastated if my DD hadnt felt able to call me if she was ill in the night at that age.
Anyway, there are lots more examples I could give but those are the ones that stand out. In adulthood, I got married to a man who turned out to be awful. There was serious DV, our home was destroyed by fire (his arson) and again the care/love just wasnt there. My DD and I had to stay with her (my dad had died by this time). She told me that she didnt want us there and that we probably didnt want to be there either, but we were otherwise homeless. I needed urgent surgery for my injuries from DV (involving a week in hospital post op), but the surgery had to be delayed as she had booked, and went on a holiday for 2 weeks so I couldnt go into hospital as there was no-one to care for DD. It was during this time that she said probably the worst thing she has ever said to me. She was criticising me for something I did as a child and I said 'you never say anything positive about me as a child'. Her response: 'there's nothing positive to say'.
There was no help forthcoming when we eventually did find a home - a friend let us use one she had bought to rent out. Despite being financially very secure, the only thing she gave us (bearing in mind we had lost everything) was a second hand cutlery set she wasnt using. Friends were so kind with their time, their love and gifts it kind of highlighted the difference somehow.
Anyway, fast forward to now and I'm now married to a lovely man and very happy. She is now elderly and as I say, I suspect she has an underlying health condition which may mean she isnt around much longer. I feel desperately guilty for the relationship we dont have, the feelings I dont feel, and the lack of desire to spend lots of time with her. Should I try to be with her more, especially as time may be limited? Can I repair things at all? Should I even try?
We rarely visit, I am ashamed to admit, but when she has been ill before we did try to go to see her most days (she lives about an hour away). I suppose one thing I've held back from saying is that I think I'll feel really guilty when she's no longer around.
Anyone any advice, or been in a similar situation? Thank you x