How to survive an affair

[walesblackbird]

Okay, this is my first question here so please be gentle with me. It may also be a bit long and rambly so bear with me.

I discovered that my husband was having an affair some months ago - a relationship which he says, at that time, wasn't sexual. I found out the usual way - by looking at his phone bill and finding hundreds of text messages to her.

Maybe stupidly as well as confronting him I contacted her who told me that as far as she was concerned she was doing nothing wrong because she wasn't sleeping with him - it was just a close friendship. Frankly whether he was or wasn't sleeping with her at that time is irrelevant. He lied, cheated and betrayed me and his three children.

Anyway, I kicked him out. It was after that that he slept with her - just the once so he says.

The day that I kicked him I saw a solicitor, arranged for the house to be valued, set up my own bank account and basically made it clear to him that he'd fucked up and he was out.

I think me behaving so decisively was a great shock to him as was being unable to see his children as and when he wanted to. He works away for a large part of the week and so spends a lot of time in hotels and I wouldn't have him here.

Within weeks he'd ended the relationship with the OW and since then has tried desperately hard to make amends and to change his work patterns and to be a husband to me and a father to his children.

She, on the other hand, took the breakup very badly and sent me some horrible texts. She's a very attractive, wealthy, younger woman and obviously thought that I would be intimidated by her sending me photographs of herself in a bikini. Well, having adopted my three children my body doesn't have the scars of pregnancy and childbirth so that didn't worry me. Basically, she was horrible and he is mortified. She also is married with three children of her own - an unhappy marriage and one that she wants out of but wants to find someone to go to first.

We've talked and talked and I do think that he does know how close he's come to breaking up his family. Our marriage was experiencing difficulties before the affair and I know that I have some responsibility for those difficulties.

We have decided to try again to work things out. Our children are adopted and they've already suffered great losses in their lives and neither of us want to put them through any more trauma than they've already suffered.

But how do you regain your trust? How do you start believing in him again? I question everything he does, I doubt him, I still get very angry at what he's done and I can't seem to come to terms with it.

I do still love him and he loves me and the children and he knows that he made a huge mistake and he's very sorry for what he's done.

But I'm finding it all so hard. How do you get over it?

My advise would be to try to forgive and give him another chance. I know many here will not agree with me but thats my opinion.

You will not be able to trust him straightaway but with time you might do. I know easy to say than to do. Also if he really wants to win you again he needs to work at it.

Sounds like he was playing with fire, and true to form, it all suddenly blew up in front of him.
It also sounds as if he is very sorry, and only now sees the OW for what she is - Big Trouble. But at least he sees that, and won't be harking back to her.
You are right that moving on is not easy, and it is certainly not quick, nor will miracles happen overnight. It will take each of you to make a great deal of effort to be kind and giving to each other, but I really don't think it is impossible to rebuild.

If you are both prepared to work at this it IS possible and CAN BE DONE! It takes a lot of time, a lot of patience, a lot of communication and a lot of understanding on BOTH parts. I know he was the one who had the affair, but he will need to understand your fears and feelings to be able to help both of you, which can only be done if you are both prepared to communicate and be very open and honest with each other.

I have been in a very similar situation. We talked and talked and talked it through and at the one thing that DH was concerned about was the fact that I would not throw it in his face every time we ahd a row. I promised him that I would never do that. He promised me that he would never repeat his behaviour and we would talk through any marital problems. I have NEVER mentioned it to him again. I was able to forgive him, but I would never be able to forget what happened and I dont think it would be wise for me to forget, but I also dont think it would be a benefit to the marriage if I did keep throwing it back in his face every time we had a disagreement.
For us, its been ok. We ahve now been married 22 years and have 5 DCs. (our youngest is adopted, too, so understand the added importance of stability.) We are both happy, although have had our ups and downs, like any marriage.

My DH has to go away for work a fair bit, too. Thats the hardest times! I do trust him , but that has been a long hard journey.
Dont expect to trust him immediately, he will have to earn the trust again. But also, he is probably feeling really bad about it all aswell (as he should) so I dont think you need to "punish" him more so by being bad back. - I am not suggesting yo are, by the way, just that I at times I felt so angry and hurt, I wanted him to hurt as much as I was, IYSWIM.

As for the OW. Dont waste your energy on her. She has lost him, to you. He has chosen to come back to you. She is not worth your thoughts!

Not sure if any of this helps, but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Dont worry about anyone who says that a leppard never changes....etc. etc. It is worth sticking at. I believe too many people give up too easily sometimes, although DH knows he has had his chance and I would NEVER sit and be so forgiving again!!!

Sorry, all long and rambling.

Errrr sorry, did I say something to put you off, or did I say too much? Sorry if I did, I was only trying to help and be honest.

Don't know about OP but it helps me. I'm desperate to move on from H's affair, once he realises it too your advice will be invaluable.

Thanks Shaz and good luck!

No, you haven't put me off - you talked a lot of sense. It's been a little stressful here - three kids home, one recently diagnosed with ADHD, my father's just been diagnosed with Motor Neurone and my poor old dog is just about on his last legs. Poor thing.

I really do appreciate your advice. I didn't really know where to turn for help. My friends and family all know what happened and are being really supportive. My mother though is really struggling to understand why I've taken him back and is prone to making the odd - well frequent - snide remark which isn't really helpful.

I feel torn between feeling like I have to be on my best behaviour when he's around and slapping him really hard!

I still think we have some more talking to do but he thinks that I'm just going over old ground, that we've talked about it and now we need to put it behind us.

Easier said than done, particularly as he's still away for 3 days every week. He rings me every night and hands the phone to whoever he's with (male friends who I know). I guess I still feel very insecure and he's getting a little irritated by my doubting him.

I know he's trying his best and I know that I have to try and forgive and move on. I'm normally a very strong character - have had to be really having adopted three children, two of whom have some additional needs. I just feel so tired and worn out and worn down at the moment.

Hopefully I will feel more like myself once the children are back in school and I have some time for ME

Hi Blackbird..

It will take time. Sometimes it feels like you're taking two steps forward and three steps back but gradually the good days are more often than the bad.

We're seven months post discovery and it's been a long hard road but I'm seeing light at the end of the tunnel now, from what I've read and been told on here it can take two years to recover so I've got a way to go yet.

It sounds like you're in the slump phase, which I had a couple of months ago, and it's absolutely horrible but it does pass.

Something I've found helpful too is to keep a diary/journal of how you're feeling, what's happening etc and you can look back and see how far you've come.

Of course he wants to put it behind you - that places the entire burden for the pain he has caused onto your shoulders and demands that you deal with it alone.

It's an extension of the selfishness that let him decide it was OK to have another relationship in secret while married to you.

If he wants this to work then he will have to do the heavy lifting since he's the one that caused the problem.

"Going over old ground"? How utterly self-serving.

Oh he knows he has to do the hard work. He recognises that he's screwed up and he is working hard to make the changes that are needed to put his family's needs first. He's not trying to place the burden on me for the pain he's caused. His affair has caused everyone in this family a lot of pain - him included. I think he took so much for granted that he'd never fully realised how much his children, particularly, meant to him.

Our children were hard to come by - and there's an awful lot of stresses involved in adoption. Our 3rd child was something of a surprise - an unplanned adoption - and though we love her very much she's not been an easy child to parent and tbh the children have taken over my life completely to the extent that I really had no time or energy left for him.

I'm not making excuses for him - what he did was inexcusable - but for far too long we've both taken each other for granted and now we both have to work at it.

I don't think he gets to set the timetable by which this whole episode will be put behind you.

Hopefully, a day will come when it will just feel behind you, when it is something that is part of your story as a couple and that you can think about without it bringing the pain back.

But that is something that you will have to work very hard to achieve, despite the fact that you didn't choose it. He needs to be completely supportive of that and it is not at all fair of him to rush you along.

He has to trust you to do your best to put this behind you and not browbeat you into doing it more quickly than you are able to.

You're right. But that's fairly typical of the way he manages life really! I'm not saying he's right - I do have to do this in my own time and at a pace that works for me.

And it's interesting what you say akhems about the slump. I'm 5 months in now and after the initial relief, euphoria ... whatever of agreeing to try and work things out and having had a good holiday together - I'm just feeling a little down at the moment, wondering if I'm ever going to feel normal again.

Wales - I first posted on Mumsnet at the 6 month post-discovery stage and given your last few words, you will see why my user-name perhaps resonates with you.

We are now 2 years on from discovery. Have a search on my user-name if you feel any of my earlier posts might help you. If you're a new user, let us know if you need any help with searching.

Really, your H has got to get to the bottom of why he did this himself. This cannot go away, however much he might want it to. Feeling down at this stage is the "wall" I often describe, once the adrenaline and crisis-induced energy has dissipated.

One of the things that I think you will need is to know with some certainty that you have the absolute truth of what happened. There's something about your words ("so he says..") that suggests you're not entirely sure you have the true story. Moving on without the full truth makes things much more difficult.

You also need certainty that he is staying for you and because he doesn't want to lose you as a romantic partner. Of course other factors, not least the children, are all bound up in a decision to stay and that's normal and healthy, but you need to be sure why you are both fighting for this marriage. After a betrayal like this, staying for the sake of the children or the other things the marriage brings won't cut it - your love for eachother on the other hand, will.

Keep posting and you are far from alone. There are lots of us here who have gone on to rebuild in the wake of an affair and build even stronger marriages, but it is hard even when all the right things happen for the right reasons.

Thank you for your support. I have done a search and I can see that I'm clearly not alone in trying to deal with a partner's affair, and nor are my feelings anything other than normal at this stage. That's something of a relief and it helps to know that what I'm feeling isn't unusual.

I think we both know why this happened. Our relationship hasn't been great for some time - years rather than months - and instead of sitting down and talking about it we both buried our heads and we just weren't open with each other about how we felt.

He has told me everything. I know a lot about her, about her relationship and I can see why they were drawn to each other. I do believe him when he tells me what happened, when it happened and why it happened.

I think (hope?) that in a way it's given us both the kick up the backside that we both needed. We've been taking each other for granted for far too long. I know that he does love me and I'm pretty sure that he never really stopped loving me but he freely admits that he was flattered by someone showing him some attention - attention that he wasn't getting at home.

I do love him and I don't want to throw away 18 years of us as a couple. We've been through too much to just give up.

I guess we need to make sure that we keep talking and keep listening to each other.

Thank you all. You've given me hope that we can come through this.

I understand you not wanting to throw away something that is good, but it worries me that he thinks that you're "going over old ground". This is a common reaction, but you will need to keep talking about this a lot - and his absences can't be helping the situation.

You also seem to be taking too much responsibility for his affair and I wondered whether you have put yourself in his shoes? No doubt he was taking you for granted too and it sounds like you had a lot on your plate. How would you have responded if an identical OM had loomed into view?

I think one of the reasons we got through this was that I have always understood how intoxicating flattery and attention can be - and it sounds as though you're the same, but of the many things your H must learn in the wake of this is how he responds to times in your marriage when he is not giving, or getting enough attention. How will he respond to an opportunity then? Will he raise the issue with you? Will he take responsibility for the marriage hitting a bit of a lull and make efforts to remedy matters?

Have you both read Not Just Friends and has he had any counselling?

Really, the message I want to give you is that infidelity is usually an extreme manifestation of what is already there in terms of behaviour and attitude; selfishness, a sense of entitlement, an unwillingness to take personal responsibility, a need to rescue/feel needed, a dislike of difficult conversations and a habit of lying and keeping secrets.

All of these primary behaviours need to change and you should not deal with the affair in isolation as that would be a mistake. There may have been problems in the marriage but it is evident that you both had different ways of dealing with that.

It is normal at this stage to look inwards and blame oneself to an extent, or blame the marriage, but although it is wise to identify why your marriage was vulnerable to infidelity, the truth is that most marriages have similar vulnerabilities, but not every person is vulnerable, because of their personality, character and moral code.

This is tough stuff for an unfaithful person to work through and not many people are capable of that level of introspection and self-discovery, but if they go through that very necessary process, they emerge a much better person who would never be unfaithful again, but all the other negative character traits that permitted the infidelity are erased too. This is why an affair is often an opportunity to get the marriage partner you always wanted.