Husband and me not getting on since birth of newborn baby! Help??!!

[snoobiesmummy90]

Me and DH have a lovely newborn dd, since we got home from hospital things have gone done hill fast between us which is very upsetting. He picks holes in how I look after her, telling me that I don't know what im doing etc. We are both exhausted. There is no affection, I have tried kisses and cuddles and all I get is rejected pretty much. Im at a loss to know what to do to put things right and back on track. Nothing I say or do whether in the house or with baby or indeed to please him works. PLEASE HELP???!!

Ask him why he is being so off with you and tell him you have one baby, you don't need 2.

Like sorrento says - stop trying to please him, and ask him what the problem is. If he won't tell you then let him sulk. And when he criticises you tell him that he can do it his way when he does it; while you are doing it you will do it your way.

It is a stressful time for both of you. As you say, you are both exhausted. Try and make sure you don't end up having pointless arguments about who is most tired etc. Sometimes it is the mother who criticises the father for not changing the nappy properly or not doing other tasks "correctly"

You both need to find your own way. Could anyone lend a hand, e.g. a grandparent babysitting even for a couple of hours so you could have a nap?

How old is the baby?

Im gonna talk to him later on, he is asleep now, lol lol. The other thing I forgot to mention he bangs on about how much he has done to help, eg feeding dh night time feeds etc like its some sort of bloody competion. He forgets that I have had a c section and therefore needs his help right now while im healing. DD was born last week. DH is on paternity leave. Perhaps when we both are less tired he will be less moody? The other thing is the day we got back from hospital was really terrible, I found out he moved loads of my stuff (he has major OCD), and we argued about that too. I feel I have enough on my plate at mo with baby and sore and painful body, hormones all over the place, added to which well meaning friends/family keep coming round, phoning all day etc. Feeling very overwhelmed right now! Need his support.

It sounds stressful for both of you, but I am more sympathetic to you as you have had major surgery (the c section) and are recovering from that as well as adjusting to your new little daughter. (congratulations btw)

Are you on the Aug 10 postnatal thread? (not sure if you are new here or not so you might not be aware of it?) Anyway, if not, there will be a whole group of other mums going through a similar stage to you. :)

Try and allocate some days where you don't have visitors. Even if you resort to screening your calls. Also maybe make a sign for the front door (mother and baby asleep do not disturb - that type of thing). Perhaps change your phone message, telling people you will phone back or whatever is best for you and your dh?

Hi - Just wanted to add my virtual support. Firstly, congratulations!

Maybe my recent experience will help? Our baby came 5 weeks ago, it was my first and my partners third child.

We have had some absolutely steaming rows about things - very quietly as we can't yell at each other because of the baby! It boils down to 2 basic things 1, sheer exhaustion and irritability 2, the fact that each persons expectations are different.

Our main problem was that he was used to raising babies very bottle-fed, regimented schedule, leaving to cry... etc. because of his ex-Mrs. I consider the baby to be a bit young for this stuff - he's a free spirit! I BF, which is very time consuming and means partner can't feed him which he misses.

I would say if you can put aside some time, difficult I know, and just each get your expectations out in the open and both come up with solutions rather than problems you'll get a better idea of how to proceed. This worked for us, especially as I used the sort of language he uses at work to discuss our issues.

I think people have an idea of what it will be like when the baby gets here and the reality is a shock.

I don't think it necessarily means your DP is a villain because he's criticising you. Its probably a response to the mayhem but he should understand that its not helpful and it has to stop.

Definately close the door to visitors, not unless they are also going to spend time with Mr Mop and Mrs Iron...

Oh, and you have to laugh a lot - specially about poo and sick and stuff. Smile and breathe.

The birth of a child can be extremely stressful for someone with OCD (all that extra responsibility to prevent harm) and can exacerbate the condition. Do you think this is the case for your DP? Would it be helpful for him to see his GP to get some extra help with his condition? Many congratulations to both of you. I hope things get easier for you both soon.

Yes, im new on hre. Sadly DH wont seek help regarding his OCD. Tiredness is a major factor in silly rows its true. Expectations on both sides also. Deffo will limit visitors, as its all too much. Im wondering also if my DH feels burden on him more due to me having a c section?? Perhaps he feels a sense of guilt as im in so much pain???

Congratulations on the birth of your baby.

I agree with the other posters that the worst thing is to get into a "who is doing more/got least sleep/cares for baby best" competition is to be avoided.

You need to sit down and talk to your husband.

Did you talk about how you wanted to do things before your baby was born? Are your general ideas about parenting methods similar?

What is it that he complains about?

If you can sit down and discuss your issues, even if you have to both write down what is bothering you so that you can read the whole list without interuption, that would be a good start.

As to the CS, make sure he knows that you will take longer to get over the surgery - it is major surgery and you do not just bounce back from that. I had a VB when I had my first child, followed by a CS and I could not believe the difference. It took me so much longer to get over the section.

Was it an emergency CS?

If you have a nice midwife/health visitor, do see if you can talk to her. Maybe she can re-iterate what major surgery a cs is?
Do tell visitors they can't come unless they are going to do jobs.

Do not worry about having major strops, your hormones are all over the place. I do not think any woman should really try to be reasonable for the first 2 weeks or more after a baby.

Just concentrate on you and baby.

Hopefully things will improve with DH as time goes on.

congratulations on the birth of your baby,a c section is a major surgery and it takes a while to heal,not getting enough sleep,hormones,the shock of having a little one,great expectations,all that will add to the stress,the posts on top are all good and i only wanted to say i know how you feel,

the first 2 weeks i did nothing,except feed and change the baby,we said absolutely no visitors ,and it did help,kissing and cuddling for me was a no no coz my boobs were sore,infact i didn't want DH anywhere near me,all i did was cry so i can understand your DH on that just a little,i don't think he doesn't want to cuddle with you,things will get better though

its not right though for him to keep track of the times that he has fed the baby coz then he can keep counting,,baby is not going anywhere,i hope it gets better and you talk to him,,i suspected that i had PND but was in denial,my DH told me to that he hoped i would get over it soon,,that even when he came home from work,we had a chat and all was clear,he helped through it and by two weeks all was well,,please do talk to him,

Just to let you know that im trying to praise him for what he is doing, wondering if he has male pnd?? Told him we need to work as a team.

We had rows in begining, i think sleep deprivation does not help much!

Would agree with previous poster trying to keep a sense of humour/see the funny side of arguing over who has slept the least/been poo'd on the most, etc, is really really important... it allows you to talk about stuff without it becoming "a big thing".

I think you're right to praise him and emphasize the team work thing.

Men are weak you know, they get very easily knocked off track by stuff+sleeplessness. Even though you've had major surgery you end up having to take a lot on yourself. I'm not saying this is necessarily the way it should be, just IME etc...

Re the section: i felt dreadful 1st week after mine, but you will feel much much more "normal" again pretty soon. Honest.

Hang on in there, it DOES get better.
one last thing:
I went on housework strike for a few days. this made me feel much better. your DH may find he's not quite so tired after all when the dishes reach the height of the kitchen cabinet.

Congratulations on your new daughter.

It is a massive period of adjustment for both of you, so I am not surprised that you are finding it stressful and overwhelming.

I would tell well meaning friends and family that you need a bit of space and that you will call them if you need any help. It is too claustrophobic having people pop by and ring you the whole time. Some people love it - but I certainly do not.

It sounds like your DH is a bit shell shocked. I understand OCD as I have a sibling who has it and the arrival of a baby will be very overwhelming for someone with OCD. I think you should carry on doing whatever you are doing and let him adjust. The baby is your priority, not him. He will come to realise that you have got it under control and can manage and are doing things correctly (your way is the correct way!)

If you only had your daughter last week then it is very very early days and I would try not to stress about things. Carry on as you have been doing and let your DH sort himself out - which he will do sooner or later.