can I vent here about flakey friend please

[MaPrentice]

just need to get this off my chest. have a lovely friend who has recently become flakier than a 99 ice cream. cancels arrangemetns to meet up all the time, has mini domestic dramas which become mountainous, seems to create problems all over the show for herself by not sorting out some fundamental ishoos with her husband. I hear a lot about these problems and am both sypmathetic and robust with her.

the flakiness is getting to me though. I'm on my own, so love any adult company but particularly enjoy seeing this friend and am disappointed when something that's been in the diary for ages gets cancelled. over and again. And I am getting a bit tired of hearing the same problems which she doesn't want to take steps to sort out, even when I make useful suggestions, give her support, help her work out what she needs to do. it's a lot of talk and no action - which leads back to a lot of talk.

however, she has been an amazing friend to me. while it;s fair to say that I have been hugely supportive to her through difficult pregnancies, domestic crises and marital ups and downs, she also acted above and beyond the call of friendship for an exceptionally difficult year and more of my life. she has absolutely been there for me too.

Now she's just cancelled again. not her fault, but it feels like there's always something at hte moment and as if she is incapable of sticking to the simplest thing. No way am I going to have a go at her, sometimes we just get a run of bad luck and things go awry, particularly when small children are on the scene. hence the need to vent here! ARRGHGHHH.

feel free to flame as I am aware I sound like a bitch. but if anyone has similar situations, please come and tell me we will get thhrough this and one day be able to meet up without constant set backs. perhaps when the kids are 18 and left home ...

I don't think you need flaming. You sound like a good friend in a frustrating situation. Do you think she'll change ever?

Maybe you need to back off from the friendship, at least for now. Sounds like it brings you nothing hut frustration and disappointment.

No, you are not being a bitch. I cannot be doing with flaky friends.

Nothing and no one stays the same. You need to go with the flow and do what is right for you.

I took a step back from one of my friends about a year ago. Slightly different circumstances but I was sick to death of hearing about the same problems over and over again. I used to come home and feel flat as a pancake. Pushing her away allowed me to take stock a bit and after seeing her a few times of late I decided that it really wasn't working and it was time for us to part company. I haven't seen her for three months now. Part of me feels a bit mean but people come into our life at different times for different reasons.

You really need to decide what your friend is adding to your life, if anything at all.

v difficult to say here what to do. I'm probably considered rather flaky by some of my closest friends. Much of it has been down to a very crap year indeed. I really struggle to try and get things in perspective and to cope with everything that has happened/ is going on. In such circumstances, I just cannot cope with or want to face my friends although I am probably a lot more proactive than yor friend in dealing with the issues that have affected me. Friends mean well when they ay they want to talk to me and they are always there for you but, if you are feeling really down, it is very easy to become introverted and to shut everyone else out and, as such, I can find myself cancelling plans which I had previously been looking forward to as I just can't put on a front of being cheerful/ strong/ stiff upper lip and all that or, conversely, put myself through the emotional mill by talking about my problems with someone else. I often back out of things because they feel as if they are going to be really emotionally draining and the more you think about something the more you panic about it and it seems a lot more of a big deal than it really is. I also find any little excuse to try and back out of something even at the last minute. I tend to shut everyone else out to try and deal with problems and often can seem like a right moody bitch as a result! It's very hard to explain but it may well be the case that your friend's has the same back to front thinking that I sometimes do. To the outside world I probably seem to be selfish and attention seeking but I often convince myself that I am doing everyone else a favour by not being there as I will just be a party pooper or I just simply can't face the sympathy/ pity from people with seemingly perfect lives (I know that's not the case but just trying to explain the warped logic)

I'm not saying that the above is definitely how your friend feels but perhaps it could be a reason as to why she cancels etc/ is trapped in a cycle of not being able to do anything about her situation? All I can suggest is that perhaps you give her some time to try and sort herself out and just quietly let her know that you will be there for her when she needs you. As you say, she has been an amazing friend to you in the past and it seems a shame to ditch a friendship at a time when she will probably need you at some point soon but maybe she just needs a little space to pick herself up and to just have the knowledge that you are there when she is ready. Leave the initiative to her to make a suggestion as to the next thing you organise etc.

Sorry this is so long, it just touched a nerve with me that's all - hope it's not about me though !