Confused about love...long

[Molokoo]

Hello,

What if the person you are with isn't the right person but you don't want to leave? I have been with my other half for 7 years and we have a baby who is about to turn one. We are engaged. I have just persuaded my bf to postpone our wedding - it was due to happen in 4 months. He is keen to set another date with the venue, but I am not sure that we should be getting married. But I am too scared to really say that.

I am having counselling as my Mum died and I have been so unhappy. The counsellor suspects PND and I will be seeing the GP tomorrow. But regardless of what the GP says this isn't the first time that I have felt like this. Twice before I have had major panics (any many minor ones) about whether this relationship is right for me and have told him this, with some drama. The first time was 4 years into our relationship and we were about to embark on a round the world trip (I decided it was the fear of change but half way through the trip had big doubts again). A year later while my mum was very ill I told him I had doubts about us. But then put this down to depression about my mum. 8 months later we got pregnant and I was happy and we were happy together and I badgered him to put a ring on my finger.

But now I am so uncertain. He is a fabulous, supportive, funny man who is an excellent father to our child. He is very good to me and I know that he loves me to bits. I just wish I felt the same. I love him, but I don't feel in love with him. I don't really find him attractive and don't fancy him and want him to leave me alone in the bedroom! I try to avoid s*x if possible but can't do that for the rest of my life!! I am so so scared of hurting him, making the wrong decision and mostly of screwing up my child. What kind of a mother breaks up a good relationship because she doesn't fancy the father? I have divorced parents and I am under no illusions that it shapes your entire life.

I just feel like I go over and over this in my head and have been for months. I feel so guilty and anxious. I have tried to talk to him about it. The thing is I can't keep being unsure and telling him, it is so unfair and I can't tell him I don't fancy him as he doesn't have very good self esteem. I am so scared of getting married but equally scared to leave....

I feel ridiculous writing this, as there are people out there with real problems not the problems of what sound like a teenager whining.

Maybe the problem is: how do you find your partner attractive again? (Although I now wonder if I ever really did, we were friends before we got together and it just seemed a natural progression of our friendship, rather than some big love affair). I would love to feel all loved up and happy. Perhaps I am just nostalgic for my past now that I have the responsibility of motherhood.

Feel better just writing this down. Sorry it is so long and self indulgent.

Gosh... what a dilema! Not sure what I would do, but I think you need to address your PND before you make any definite decisions.

Can you talk to your OH and explain gently that you are feeling confused/worried about the future.

I know 6 weeks after my wedding I had massive feelings of doom and thoughts of 'is this it for the rest of my life'.

Hi Molokoo
If you and your partner get on well enough to co-parent in a friendly amicable way, then I don't think your baby's life will be damaged by having separated parents if that is what you choose to do. It would be much harder to separate when your baby is older. You could temporarily separate while you find some support for your PND and find the strength to live alone. Then from a position of strength and happiness you would know better if you want to spend the rest of your life with your partner. I wish you all the best and hope you get all the support you need from friends and family. I think a marriage where there is no sexual attraction is hard to sustain over a period of many years (or even a few years) though your partner does sound like a kind man which is also REALLY important. My neighbour is married to a man whom she doesn't fancy at all - she is now 47 and it is sad to see a situation where two people could be living with someone they are more "in love" with - well she could be more in love and her husband could be more loved... anyway, I hope you work things out :)

Hi Molokoo

I read your post with interest and can really sympathise with you. This is a horrible situation to be in. I know because I too felt the same. I lost both parents and my mum in law and then went on to have 2 children and moved 200 miles away with hubbies job.

I feel that you are like I was depressed and overwhelmed with everything thats happended and probably a little stressed too.

I would suggest that:-

a) You get counselling, even if it helps you to understand why you feel the way you do. They are very good and I found mine very beneficial.

b) Possibly try going on some form of antidepressant (I know it sounds scary but believe me its far scarier feeling the way that you do.

c) Dont make any rash decisions that you may regret. wait until your mind is clear and the fog (as I call it) has lifted giving you a clearer understanding of your emotions.

You sound very mixed up at the moment but dont despair, get help and I promise you will feel better.

It sounds like you love your OH dearly but have just lost a bit of your own self along the way.

I am so much better now, been on Citalopram for just 6 weeks and I feel like a different person. Me and my DH are back on an even keel!

Hope this helps.

Hugs. X

Hi

Thanks. Thanks esp to laurasarah. I have been having counselling for 6 weeks and will continue to go. Put on antideps yesterday by the GP.Good to hear that things are better between you and DH.

I am just so confused. I veer from thinking I must work this out to thinking this can't be worked out because love and attraction can't be forced! He is such a good man, it would all be perfect if I fancied him!

We are talking about postponing the wedding. Although really I want to cancel for now (I think - eek!)but we have spent so much on it already. My head is a mess.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Wait until you are well (or better) before making any big decisions. Love and attraction do not stay constant through a relationship, they ebb and flow like a tide. You have been through some huge changes and need time to adjust. If he is a good man, he will want to give you the time to work through to a better place.

Try not to say damaging words that can't be unsaid, use the truth but kindly iyswim. Many women find that PND affects their sex drive, you may start to fancy him again when this is addressed.

Find time for yourself, meditate, pray, do whatever you need to do to find inner peace.

Big Hugs x

Hi Moloko

No love and attraction cant be forced your'e right but you are not in a fit state of mind at the moment to know whether or not you are attracted to him.

I'm sure that once the antidepressants kick in (could take up to 4 weeks) you will start to feel a whole lot better.

Have faith. Your OH sounds like a decent bloke and I'm sure he will be patient and support you through this difficult time.

Remember we are only human and we can only take so much before something has to give. All the things you have been through are stressful and life changing and you need time to adjust.

Chin up, Lots of hugs. X