Anyone around to interpret this odd male behaviour and hold my hand a bit ?

[TheMoistWorldOfSeptimusQuench]

I can't quite believe this.

We've been having some anxieties recently - we are both huge worriers.

He is very stressed at work, and also still mourning the end of his marriage 6 months ago. Long story, but she left him and he doesn't want to get back together with her, feels she's a despicable person etc, just mourning the loss of that life.

I have been feeling a bit insecure, justifiably it seems now. I've had some pretty shit relationships with ego maniacs and narcissists before this one. He couldn't be more different from them, and I've been anxious to make it work.

We've only been together a couple of months, but have known each other for 8 yers. Nearly go together 5 years ago, didn't, and have both regretted it ever since. So quite a weight of expectation on our new relationship.

As far as I'm concerned, he's the one, and nothing has happened to change that.

Anyway, yesterday afternoon, we were chatting about our respective anxieties. He was saying that he did have doubts about whether it would work out in the long term, but that he wanted to keep on because he really has such strong feelings for me and so on. We were planning a camping trip next weekend, chatting about a friends party we were going to in a few weeks, and later on, he was going to be introducing me to a couple of his friends who have just moved nearby.

Then, 10 minutes later, he says no, he's changed his mind, he's ending the relationship, and he's going home. And off he goes.

A couple of minutes later I get a call from a mutual friend saying that he's coming to get me because P has phoned and told him we've split up and I'm upset. I ended up spending the night on this friends sofa because I couldn't face being alone.

I've (probably stupidly) sent P (ex-P?) a text asking if we can talk today because I'm really struggling to understand what has happened and why. He's ignored this so far. The mutual friend has also tried to call him to no avail.

So I'm completely baffled. We were so happy to have found each other again, were having a great time, and I simply don't understand what has caused this. I feel absolutely terrible - devastated, and really angry that I've been treated like this

It's all very out of character for him too.

Any ideas?

Presumably he will see that YOU logged on to Soulmates too?! Maybe he was on there looking to see what you had been up to, but to be honest he was probably on there looking to see if his wife was listed in the Women seeking Women category, so he was torturing himself about her and now you are torturing yourself about him...

People do a lot of weird things online, espeically if they're feeling stressed, it's not worth getting upset about. Important thing is he's communicating with you again. Don't understimate the work stress either, it really can fck with your mind. He probably feels like everything in his life is out of control. If you've maintained contact for 8 years through what sounds like all sorts of ups and downs he won't cut you off and you can keep talking, just give him space. I bet you he's a different man after the assessment. Hope it works out for you both.

Sounds similar to a good mf who had a short-term relationship with a colleague who had always been a friend, shortly after being dumped by his wife for another man.

Colleague was very keen on him and hoped the relationship would go somewhere and she ended up, understandably, quite hurt and bitter.

In his small defence he did warn her that he was just out of a relationship, messy divorce looming and wasn't emotionally in a good place.

From his perspective I extrapolated that he was looking for a 'safe' relationship after his marriage, and her being a friend made it easy to dip his toe in the water.

He enjoyed all her nurturing (and the sex) and then cooled the relationship. He said was that she was very sweet but intellectually not very stimulating (she kept telling him the same stories over and over and it was a bit groundhog day - the danger of friendship maybe) and he knew he'd made a mistake.

I said he had been very selfish using her in this way and he agreed and felt bad. He's seeing someone else now and has clearly enjoyed the whole 'getting to know you' thrill.

My intention is not to say your relationship is doomed but just to offer you a possible 'male perspective'. The mistake she made was not listening to the warning signs and making herself too available - as therapist with fringe benefits - which he was all too willing to avail himself.

Don't put yourself in that position or waste your life hanging on for his decision.

Oh no, how painful - to have such a close group of friends and not know whether he is coming or going.

I can imagine why you feel so attached to him. This must be really hard for you.

I don't mean to be rude, but alll you seem to be saying is, I hope he is okay, and I hope he has me back. What do YOU want? I know you said you have spent time dealing with your past but it sounds to me lke you need to work further. Get to a point where you find someone who isn't hard work and who properly wants you.

I've just had enough. Rejection after rejection after rejection. I give up.

(disclaimer: I am verging on the pissed)

Fuck knows how I'm going to deal with work in the morning. I'm meant to be dealing with vulnerable people, but I think I'm more vulnerable than them at the moment.

Flight, I think I love you

You really seem to understand.

Yes our mutual friends are really good mates and we are both, to a certain extent, part of their family. He is the godfather of my best friends son, who spends loads of time with us and is my DDs best friend. We are very entangled in so many ways. The kids had just got used to us being together

Well done, brave girl :)

You really have to let this one go, as I think you (and your wine?!) realise. Whatever his underlying feelings, thought processes, etc, etc, this is no way to deal with them. Get back together and you'll be on pins every time he seems stressed, waiting for a body-blow to your relationship.

I am sorry, and very glad you have friends around you. It might be a good idea to tell your mutual friends - better they hear it soon, and cleanly, than feel stuck in the middle of an emotional mess.

Do take care of yourself. You honestly do need to focus your thoughts on your own well-being, especially now.

Phone in sick, for heaven's sake!

Grace, thank you. x

No idea what I'm going to do in the morning. Bit scared of being on my own, but on the other hand, I can't see how I'm going to give a good service to the tax payers of Brighton & Hove. Given it took me 3 hours to put my bin out today, being so inept

My mum (who is wise) says, as you do, that he will just keep doing this to me over and over again.

Have spoken to our friends. She is being an absolute star and phoning me from her holiday in Scotland. I'm very well supported. But you lot really help and are something of a different league.

This will stop hurting so much soon. But honestly, you have to accept what this man is telling you, which is that he is NOT WILLING OR AVAILABLE TO BE IN A COUPLE-RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU.
Yes he is making a bit of a mess about putting this to you clearly, but I'm afraid you are not doing yourself many favours - trying to dump, without too much cruelty, someone who is basically saying 'I'm still your friend, I understand, it's OK, I'll even suck your cock without expecting anything' is like wrestling frogspawn.
I'm sure he does care about you and is very reluctant to hurt you, which is why he is flannelling about like this, but the fact remains. He's Not That Imto You.

Harsh - but fair, SGB.
As ever