I am a big fat Austrich......

[CatButler]

Aaaaarrrggghhh - please humour me and allow me to vent!!??

Another weekend lie-in ruined because of his epic snoring....wakes me up at least twice every weeknight as well when I have to be up at 6 for work. Of course he doesn't do anything like that and I'M the one keeping him awake all the time with MY snoring.......

This feels like the straw that broke the camels back at the moment and feel like telling him to get out of my bed and life when he finally wakes up.

I've recently been posting about me and DP deciding whether to have children or not but hink I knew all along I was being delusional.

These are the main things that are really bugging the living daylights out of me and have done for ages now:

• No communication - at all, about anything not the little things or the big important things.

• We never and I mean never go anywhere unless I organise it and usually pay for it as well because he constantly pleads poverty.

That includes restaurants by the way because hhe's worried that eating out will give him a bad stomach due to their bad hygiene......(hmm)

• He smokes cannabis and has done ever since I met him. Fine, knew that when I got involved with him however, it makes him too tired and disinterested to do much else besides work. He swears blind it doesn't affect him at all - it bloody does, when we've been abroad on holiday and he hasn't had any he's a different character.

• Is glued to his games console every chance he gets and wants to 'chat' about what is happening in virual reality yet clams up when asked to share his thoughts and feelings in he real world.

I could go on some more but just reading back my own list makes me feel pathetic for putting up with it. Trouble is, immediately after thinking, god what a pants situation I feel guilty for even thinking and feeling that way. Sounds like I AM a nutjob......!!

I'll shut up now, but thanks for letting me put this in writing (blush) - it'll help get my head out of the sand it's been stuck in for the last ten years......!

Ah, but this is what I have a problem figuring out though - what usually happens when one part of a couple raises something they are not happy with?

Whenever I think about how I would ideally like it to be I think it must just be that - ideal and a fantasy.

By that I mean do couples really have 'constructive' discussions?

i.e both are happy to look for a resolution without sulking/withdrawing/stonewalling

not asking this sarcastically btw!

Probably doesn't happen all that often I suspect, hence the need for people like Relate.

I reckon you have just come to the end really - time to move on.

Do you think smoking the weed makes him like this by the way?

Course they have discussions. Often have a laugh at each other.

QP3 I was thinking more in terms of when things have got to this stage...

I have a friend who managed to get her husband to relate for more or less this very problem - he was happy to do sod all and take no interest in life and she wasn't. But he wasn't happy for her to do new stuff either - just wanted her at home where he could see her really. He went to one relate session, decided that had it covered and wouldnt go to any more.

He may be happy with his life, but can't see or doesn't care that she is going mad with frustration.

Well, the Weed doesn't help anything especially when he's had quite a bit of it.

He always tells me that it's no use talking to him when he's been smoking to which I reply - but you're always smoking.....

Although he reckons he only does it occasionally - daily is not occasionally though!

"But he wasn't happy for her to do new stuff either - just wanted her at home where he could see her really"

Sounds about right here as well. He'd never stop me going anywhere or doing anthing though but he prefers me staying with him.

There's a constant conflict going on with him it seems along the lines of:

CB: I'm going into Town to do a bit of shopping, are you coming?

DP: Well, I do and I don't.

CB: Only going round the shops to look for Trousers probably a bit boring for you anyway.

DP: but I want to come with you (in toddler voice)

CB: Come with me then!!

DP: Oh, but I want to stay here and do xyz

Drives me bananas!! I know he didn't want to go out in the first place but we have to go through 'the dance'

...do you want to come with me would have made more sense in the first line there.

God, I'm not normally this bad a typer :)

CB

Even my 11 year old son has more emotional maturity than your bloke. His responses are really juvenile, told you before he was emotionally stuck in mid teens and I still stand by that.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. I would like an answer to that particular question!.

And you've had ten years of his crap, cannabis habit/addiction and various issues!!. How much more can you stand or are expected to take from him?. He is a complete and utter waste of space woman, you need to be rid of him. Can you not see that he is just dragging you down even further?

Re this earlier comment of yours:-
do couples really have 'constructive' discussions?
i.e both are happy to look for a resolution without sulking/withdrawing/stonewalling

Yes they do but none of your relationships to date have ever been like that. I don't think either you have seen or experienced any healthy relationship so no wonder you're confused.

This man of yours is making you deeply unhappy, listen to that inner nagging voice of yours (perhaps for the first time ever) now rather than procrastinate further and delay leaving him.

I don't care if he looks like Brad Pitt and treats you like a princess- the relationship is not making you happy. End it.

The problem is that you are placing little or no importance on your own happiness- do you not think you deserve to be happy?

"listen to that inner nagging voice of yours (perhaps for the first time ever) now rather than procrastinate further and delay leaving him"

Well the voice has been piping up at various times over the years. Fear of being on my own and the whole emotional and practical upheaval of a seperation usually quiets it down again though.......

Not as easy as blurting out 'you're dumped' and heading out the door after 10 years though. The poor guy has no idea that I'm even thinking this!!!

Ignore me, prattling on - you're right though when you say neither of us would know a healthy relationship if we saw one.

Hence my asking fascinated questions and reading as much as possible on here.

Got to sort the roast beef out now that's been sat in the slow cooker since 8am.......ooops :)

DO you own your house? Jointly? What is the situatuon?

We're renting Katisha so nothing to worry about in that department.

Lol tethersend re Brad & Princess :)

Think if I'm honest 'deserve to be happy' doesn't enter my head usually only what my wants/needs/feelings will do to the other person.

I know what it feels like to be rejected and left so am really not keen on inflicting this on someone.....

i think cat, oyu like talking about it and in fact LIKE the situation as you have it at the moemnt.
when you dont, youll do soemthing.

Oh lordy.

Can't you see you are doing neither of you any favours carrying on like this?

So you decide not to reject him in order to make yourself feel the better person.

You both carry on in limbo.

Great.

option 1: Reject him, cause him pain. Be happy.

option 2: Stay with him until one of you dies.

That's it. Those are the only options.

Apologies - I know I'm coming across as a total ditherer. This is the first chance I've had in years if not ever to get some feedback on the thoughts and feelings of my/this situation.

Am really grateful for all of your comments I really am - it's just a lot to take in after years of thinking "it's me, I'll do this or that and then we'll be happy"

What are you getting out of this?

I know, Cat- I'm not having a go. I know I sound impatient, but I'm not. I just want you to see the facts clearly.

Cat,

You have silenced that voice previously to your overall emotional cost and I don't think you've ever really been able to listen to your inner voice.

You are not rejecting him per se by ending this relationship. You do not make yourself the better person by continuing it but instead become a martyr to it. I don't actually thinks that he cares that you are unhappy and I am sure he does know on some superficial level (because he is still emotionally in his mid teens) that all is not well and that you are unhappy. He just uses EA (emotionally abusive) tactics on you and stonewalls you all the time. You have accepted it because you regard it as "normal" (through being conditioned from childhood). If you are brave enough to end this, you will ultimately be doing both of you a favour. You are together purely out of habit and you are too afraid for many deep seated reasons to end it (fear of being alone being just one, damaging lessons learnt from parents yet another). He does not want to end it because he is getting what he wants from the relationship i.e an easy life with you doing the uncomfortable stuff.

Two deeply and emotionally damaged people as you both are cannot even begin to have a happy and functional relationship together as neither of you actually know what a healthy and functional relationship is or what such a thing entails.

You are getting something out of this relationship (you still have not answered what exactly) because you would not be with him otherwise. What that is though is unhealthy.

You are both pulling each other downwards and neither of you can break this cycle currently because you are both together. You are together primarily out of habit. I think you still want children though but he has made his feelings pretty clear on that score. Again you put his feelings before yours (this whole putting others feelings before you is a recurrent theme) at a high cost to your own self.

Re these comments of yours:-
"Think if I'm honest 'deserve to be happy' doesn't enter my head usually only what my wants/needs/feelings will do to the other person.
I know what it feels like to be rejected and left so am really not keen on inflicting this on someone"

Did your toxic father and mother reject you outright?. You don't have to answer that or even begin to go there on this page but both of the above thoughts started somewhere and I am wondering whether you've ever fully explored it and confronted the past properly. These bad people still have power over you and these issues you have have deeply seated roots. You need to unlearn such unhealthy patterns, you truly do otherwise you will keep repeating them in all your relationships as you have done to date.

I tell you now - any relationship with a man you have, unless you get yourself properly sorted and that will mean being on your own for a while, will not be a healthy and or functional one.

Neither of you would currently know a healthy relationship if you fell over one, both of you are too damaged to have a relationship currently. I do not mean that at all harshly or as a criticism of your own self, its fact.

"I do not mean that at all harshly or as a criticism of your own self, its fact."

I know where you're coming from and am amazed and grateful that anyone understands a mindset of 'better to hurt myself than someone else'

That's probably why I usually feel so odd and weird as well come to think of it.

Wrecked my brain as to what I get out of this relationship and cannot think of anything other than I've already put, crap I know!

Hi cat,

I was "trusted" by my parents, well more like left actually!, to get on with it from my early teens and toxic inlaws.

Read what the others also write carefully, knowledge is power here.

If you cannot write anything concrete about what you are getting out of this relationship then what does that tell you?.

No-one's ever tried to say to you that you are worth it have they?. I tell you now your feelings are just as valid as the next person's and I can see how other very damaged people gave you massive self doubt and associated self worth issues. I personally think you are a nice woman who's being dragged down by her own issues as well as this immature manchild. I think you can very well leave him and go onto conquer your inner past and fears - if you really want to that is. Your inner voice needs to be listened to now.

Ah, I see - you too then Attilla.

I did wonder whether that was the case or whether you're a 'professional' as it were (counsellor etc)because of all your insight.

Mind you that would be a bit of a busmans holiday wouldn't it :)

I'm going to slink off for an early ish night now mainly to process all of the good advice from todayh - head is spinning :) )

Big thanks again to everyone for everything and will be back to update hopefully v. soon :)

Cat,

Why do you put yourself down?! Even in the title you state "Big" and "Fat"! I'm sure you are Beautiful!

You are getting some great advice on here!

I see where you are coming from, we women are brought up to take care of others, till we don't know who we are anymore!

Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More" might be worth looking into for you.

And, eh, by the way, I smoke a j. but doesn't stop me going out to restaurants, concerts or even solo to Cuba!! :o

Don't feel responsible for someone else's happiness (except your child!), only your own!

"It's going to be a nightmare trying to explain to him why I want to leave him. Tried countless times before - he just says I'm not being clear or I'm not telling him anything when I bring up what's bothering me.
"

The thing is, he doesn't have to understand why you want out. It's not in his interests to understand, and it won't really help him. If you're waiting to get to the stage where he says "All your arguments are good, and I agree that it is best if we split up", well, realistically, is that ever going to happen? Do you really think you have to stay as long as he doesn't say those helpful words? No - you don't. You can say "I'm sorry, I am not happy, and I have to leave you. I wish you well in the future but I cannot live with you any longer". Then talk about the practicalities. Be reasonable, but don't be guilt-tripped into making ridiculous concessions.

I tell you a great read, In Sheep's Clothing, about people who are angry at the world in a passive sort of way and how they keep others dancing attendance on them. I think you may find your DP in there.

Oops, I missed about a page of posts somehow, there's a bit more to say.

"Not as easy as blurting out 'you're dumped' and heading out the door after 10 years though. The poor guy has no idea that I'm even thinking this!!!"

How is that compatible with the quote from my last post? You HAVE tried to tell him, he just wasn't listening. Lalala, fingers in ears, weed in brain, if I don't hear her saying it then it didn't happen.

I bet though, if you did say (at some time when he isn't too befuddled) "I am leaving", he would suddenly get terribly concerned about your problems and say he'll do anything to make you happy. And for about a week or maybe even two, he may even start to do that! But the minute you're back in your box, it's Square One territory.

Don't worry too much about his feelings. The weed cushions him from most of that sort of thing. He'll find someone else in a shockingly short time frame, I can promise you.

Annie: Funny you should mention In Sheep's Clothing, I nearly bought that one a couple of times. Think there's a chance he comes under Passive Agressive but keep dismissing it.

"You can say "I'm sorry, I am not happy, and I have to leave you. I wish you well in the future but I cannot live with you any longer".

Think my brain is slowly starting to grasp that thanks to this site.

Swinging between yes, sod it I'll tell him straightaway and 'hang on a minute....let's not be hasty'

Hasty, 10 years is hardly hasty is it :) :) :)