Divorce. Should I stay in the house or sell up?

[SpiritualKnot]

Ex left me in March for OW. He lives in rented accommodation now and we're getting divorced. Ive always paid for everything.

Original plan...and is being written into a consent order..is that I pay him £20,000 as a clean break and I stay in the marital home, which will go into my sole name. Current mortgage is £100,000, so this will increase to £120,000. House is worth £200,000.

Spoke wth my sister and said my plans were to stay here for next seven years, so dd goes to secondary school which she starts in September and then I'd sell up in 7 years time and move back to where my friends and family are, 200 miles away, once she leaves home.

My sister made 2 points which are making me think about this: first, now might be a good time to move as my daughter is just about to start secondary school and we could start in a new area. Second, if I wait 7 years I'll be 57 and would struggle to get further work at that age if I moved then. She thinks I should consider moving now instead.

I would actually like to move now, except: first,dd would be upset and would have even less contact with exH than she currently does. Second, don't know if I could start a new job at present as still feel devastated by the idea of divorce etc and current work are being very tolerant of my current situation.

However, although exH lives fairly nearby, he is being very unsupportive and I'm having to do all childcare myself and would get support for that from family if I moved back to where I'm from. Also where I currently live, I keep seeing people who encouraged him to leave me and this upsets me, also his OW works in this town and this also upsets me.

Would rather not to move to another house locally and then move again in 7 years time or should I be considering that?

Am also very aware that my parents are both approaching 80 and I have long considered that if anything happened to one of them, I would, whatever the circumstances, be very drawn to moving back there straightaway to support the surviving parent (I'm the eldest daughter of 5 and have always felt I should do that as an obligation anyway)

I have been thinking for the last few years that I should move back to my prevous place anyway, because of my parents increasing frailty anyway and was held back because of my marriage and kids

Should I stay here and just carry on for my daughter's sake?

Should I move back now, to a new job (there's actually a job v similar to my own being currently advertised near my old town)?

Should I stay and wait until something "happens" to one of my parents and then see my automatic reaction to that?

Am also aware that if I sell up now I'll have £80K as a deposit, if I move shortly after the settlement I'll have £60K as a deposit.

Don't know if I'm posting this in the right section, but felt someone may have been through similar.

I'm a bit confused - why is your ex 'only' getting £20k and not £50k?. Surely if you rwent back on your consent order he could then fight you for more?

Are you saying that you would move without paying him anything? Is this likely to antagonise him further?

With regards to the emotional stuff - it's very raw at the moment and you are unfortunately surrounded by some very unsupportive people so you might be a lot happier moving back to near your parents.

I'd apply for the job
if you get it then you'll know straight away if you want to move
your dd will be happy if you are

I would move, sounds like you need to and if your dd is just starting secondary then it'll be easier to move her now than at any other time, if you wait until she's finished then you might be leaving her behind if she doesn't want to go then.
Go for it, it will be a fresh start for both of you.

I was in a similar situation to you. I planned to stay in the previously 'family home'.

ExH failed to recognise it was no longer his property and felt it was. the children agreed with him. I paid the whole mortgage and gave him 50% equity so it was NOT his home.

Moving was the only way to feel it was my house.

It depends what impact the distance will have on the contact your DD has with her dad.

I would never ever do anything to impact upon contact if they both wish it. Equally... if he sees her once a fortnight then this is possible to manage over that distance. Depends whether you are prepared to facilitate it

Laurie, sorry, it's more involved than I've put and that division is fair.I have to put a roof over my dd's head and also my son who's off to uni but back at weekends and holidays. There are debts in the region of £15K that I'll be taking on and another property that's rented out that we'll be splitting 50:50 when we sell. He's moving in with OW who owns a house.He gets £20K whatever I decide to do, he'll probably buy a car with it.

I find that he is seeing my dd less and less. He's meant to have her overnight once a wekk, but the last time he did that was in May. He seems to have lost interest in our son and I'll be funding him through uni, ex feels that coz he's 18 he can wash his hands off him financially.

It's very hard, but I think I'll probably stay here as I can't deal with any more turmoil at this time.

Sk - I think that is wise if you are doing it for 'you'

Moving house would have seemed an impossible stress when I first separated

My divorce is now through and the dust has settled and I'm better able to deal with it and make decisions

Hi Spiritual. Sorry to hear you are going through this.

I think at this moment in time, as your emotions are still raw, you should stay put. Forgetting everyone else, I dont think it is a good time for you to move as I think you need to recover first.

Why dont you write your list of pros and cons, put it aside and in 6 months time look at it again. And then make a decision and implement it next summer. I just think mentally you will be able to make a better decision as you will feel a lot stronger then.

For now just concentrate on yourself and your children and take it one step at a time.

Your ex seems to have little interest in his children so I would not worry about his part in the equation. If he cared, he would make more effort. He sounds a selfish shit.

I wish you luck and things will get better for you.

Yes, I think I'll do a list and wait.

I went to see a Relate counsellor last week and she asked why I wasn't going back to my prevous place and then my sister saying the same...it's just thrown me a bit, especially the age thing actually. And then I looked on a website and saw that job advertised. Only moved down here coz of my ex and it's never been home..but obviously it's my children's home.

Maybe at 57, I could move back and buy a small place there...houses are cheap around here and costly where I'm from. Do people employ 57 year olds? I am a specialist in my area of work and not many of us around...sounds like I'm a spy or something...I'm only with the NHS!

I dont think you should think in terms of now or 7 years. Do it (if ever) at the point you feel it is right. Children are adaptable and if you do decide to move, say next year, you may find that even for your DD a change will do her good.

Also if your finances are good, is there any way you could buy a small flat in your previous town which you could let out? This will give you a small income but you could look to moving there in the future if you decide to do that. At least if house prices go up, you will have somewhere.

Singledom, I love that idea about the flat! My brother lives in my old town and buys and sells flats and houses to rent out there, so that is definitely something that could work for me. He's always at auctions and so is very on the ball about current goings on. I'll ring him later about that.

Excellent idea! Thank you for that.

Glad to be of assistance!

How about applying for the job and seeing what happens?

If you don't, it might eat away at you with 'what ifs'. If you do, you don't have to take it, if offered. It's just an option.

Sometimes a change is just what you need, at other times, not.

Who knows, sometimes things are meant to be, so maybe there is a reason why you looked and found the advert.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

How tight are finances?

Could you move and not work for 6 months or so to give yourself time to all settle in?

Hi tb, I was thinking that as well. A similar job came up last year in another town near where I used to live and I got the details etc. But was too late to apply. This was before ex left me, so had been looking at moving back before. At the time, I thought that finding such a post would be like looking for gold dust, so I was very surprised to see the identical job, different place, listed.

I had go at filling out the application form last night, but my heart wasn't in it. My current post is very good and so is the one I'm looking at albeit with quite a drop in salary, which isn't a concern.

It's a new post and I know that setting up a new post take a lot of commmitment, which I have done before and would usually love doing that, but don't know if I'm stable enough at the moment. Well, I'm stable but my concentration goes a but awry at times! My current manager and workmates know that this isn't how I usually am and are very upbeat,lighthearted and tolerant about it...but don't know if new managers and workmates would be so tolerant.

I would hate to apply and then be offered it and then turn it down, as I may be burning my bridges for the future.

Food for thought though, may phone and chat with the manager about it. I think I recognise his name, I think we did the same training course for this profession together.

Hi Sassy, I couldn't imagine doing that.

At a pinch I could back to my parents house, bit too close to home! Have soooo much stuff that I would have to store or sell, that it would take too much organising.

But again, it's another option for me to think about. I can't see the woods for the trees sometimes and it's nice to have these options brought to my attention.

How about applying for the job - see if you fancy it - if they offer it, you could ask for a long lead in period before you start - and if present employer is nice, perhaps they would let you leave without working your notice - that would give you a little headspace...

How far is it between the 2 places - will DD still have contact?

Hi Sassy, old home is about 200 miles from here. Ex doesn't seem to realise how little effort he's making. It's been the summer holidays and all he's needed to do is to have dd for ONE day as I had a busy morning clinic. Ended up having to take her and he came and picked her up from my work at 2pm.

There's lots of other days where he could have contact but he's been "busy". He was going to take dd abroad on holiday for 10 days and took OW instead.

So if he makes so little effort now when he lives 7 miles away, dread to think what would happen if I moved 200 miles away. Dd would have next to no contact. He does phone her most nights. I feel as if I'm staying here until he breaks all contact with her.

I'm keeping a record of his limited contact...just in my diary. Don't know why I'm doing that, but I am.

Y'know, he could ring up tomorrow and say "I'm moving 200 miles away with OW" and I wouldn't be at all surprised, yet I'm here considering all the ins and outs and everything. Bizarre.

He's doing exactly what he wants yet I still feel like I have to toe the line...just like in the marriage.

Perhaps it's encouraging that two jobs have come up in your specialism in the right area in the last year or so? Moving schools in the middle of secondary isn't the end of the world, I did it in 3rd year (can't figure out what that is in modern money) in the October half-term, not ideal but on the plus side I was a page ahead in Tricoleur so looked like a genius in my first French lesson .

I appreciate it's difficult as kids approach GCSE years but you've a while yet. It seems like it would be unnecessarily disruptive for both you and dd to contemplate it at this stage.

Definitely worth a chat with the manager, though.

Either way, congratulations on getting shot of an ex who sounds like a git.

Oh I don't think you should think of it as toeing the line, you're just trying to be responsible and consider all the impacts.

Thanks for all the advice. Feel much more positive about hanging fire now. Will chat with the manager of the other job next week.

I'm going back up there next weekend to see family, feel so much more relaxed up there, don't think about my ex at all. Too busy just chilling with friends and family.

My dd loves it too, she thinks my mum is brill and wants to be just like her. Favourite auntie and uncle there and very good friends with the girl of the same age who lives next door. She has said that she'd like to move there when she's older, so looks like it will be on the cards at some point in the future.

...and thanks for the congratulations, it is good to be shot of the ex!

Hard at times, but glad to see the back of him. Try to be pleasant for dd' sake. Even went to see her in a show together yesterday and his loving father act was like fingers down a blackboard to me.

Sat next to him and realised he would never have come to see her in a show when we were together...that was always for me to do on my own.

Glad you're feeling better. It sounds like if the manager bites your hand off and offers you the job on the spot it wouldn't be impossible to persuade dd of the wisdom of moving sooner rather than later - but one thing at a time. Maybe things will just slot into place, you never know!