a)Yes, you are reading something into nothing, as I told you earlier. Apart from the fact that I fail to see what marriage has to do with anything these days (it's hardly a binding contract), we're arguing more and more, and lets be fair, we always have, about the same on either side.
We're both tired, we've both got 1001 things going on, we've been through the mill in the last 18 months almost continually and crashed from crisis to crisis to crisis interspersed with house moves (and no, the crises are NOT of our own making unless you count a miscarriage, a house move made when we weren't recovered from that into hell for 7 months then onto here, and 40 weeks of continual morning sickness, then your gallbladder issues and that episodes associated stupidity as "of our own making".)
Now we're renting a property that's lovely, but more museum than home and it's stressing us both out because of various reasons at times (which IS self inflicted, damn cats), plus you're on Mat leave and we're having to try and sort out Isabels education, your work, my work, transport and all that...
Marriage would NOT be something I'd contemplate FOR THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE. We've got too many other things going on that IMO are far more pressing. Plus there's a shedload of things we need to sort out personally, as we've never taken/had the time to do that as I said earlier..it's been a continual train-wreck up until Isabel was born pretty much.
You said you felt something changed after the twins/hospital. Me, I just felt stressed, tired, overwhelmed and to be honest that never stopped or reduced until the first time I held Isabel. However, it's still very much there, I just don't like talking about it.
Isabel changed my life. I never expected to have/be able to have a child (which is in retrospect daft, but you KNOW my reasons). You may have felt differently over time, but I've just felt stressed and overwhelmed in between brief periods of "you get on with it and hope it gets better".
I'm not about to jump into marriage whilst there are underlying issues (at least, to me.). I don't regard it as overly important in the grand scheme of things, especially now.
b) We've rented now for what, 5 years? We've gone from a small 1 bed 3 room flat to a big house, left there in stupidity and temporary insanity (and you have to admit in hindsight it was!) and moved into the flat from hell that almost made us both break down, and then from there to here which is lovely, but a bit of a museum almost.
However, I'm feeling like a damned gypsy. Always travelling, never settling down. Now you want to move from somewhere that may not be 100% ideal but is absolute peaceful and friendly paradise compared to what we had..? In this market? On our ruddy awful wages? Hell with THAT.
I want to stay here for a while, to have time out from moving, to have some stability for a bit. I KNOW this place isn't ideal, I'd also love a garden etc, and I'd be happy to rent somewhere else that ticks the boxes, but not yet.
Equally, buying...I've told you repeatedly, find me an independant expert to go over the figures and options, give an honest opinion etc, and I'll listen and maybe take more of an interest. Until then, buying isn't entering into it. Prices are silly, wages aren't great, don't want to blow all the savings on a deposit, ESPECIALLY now we have Isabel to safeguard. I'm open to a reasoned, impartial and expert overview from someone I can sit down with, discuss figures and options with, and get an idea of what is and is not an option . I'm not at home to "internet experts".
I'm also in no hurry. It'd be nice to have "our own place", yes...but I'm happy to rent for now.
It's nothing to do with "us", but it's very much something I won't be going into without a full, thorough and sound plan and walkthrough. I don't want to end up in dire-straits at any cost if it can be helped.
c)It's called tired, stressed and feeling totally at sea, and very very unsure about...well, most things. Sometimes I get the impression that I'm not wanted here either. Sometimes you drive me totally insane, sometimes I really can't ruddy well bring myself to feel anything but annoyed, especially when you go off on one. Yes it's "back to normal" after a cooling off period - this is not new.
It's called heat of the moment, combined with the fact that at times like that I really do lose sight of why we do this, apart from Isabel. I'm sick and tired of crashing from one crisis to the next, I'm fed up totally of not feeling like my life is my own anymore, and it's not helped by the fact that we both get tired stressed and snappy, yet apart from the time your dad came over and gave me some time to go and follow my own interest and have a release of some of my frustrations by beating the spare car with a hammer and toolkit for a few hours, we're together 100% of our free time with DD. It's not something I want to change as I love spending time with you both and since I have to work and have only had a couple of months holiday altogether since she was born to spend with the pair of you all day, I feel I've lost out a fair bit already on her developing.
However, when she's older, I'd like to be able to spend some time doing my own thing again, be it cycling, fixing my bike/the car etc, and just having some "off the hook" time to give me a chance to wind down and vent any frustrations on something inanimate and immune to swearing.
Of course, you/she is welcome to come and assist, but it's not compulsory. You feel cooped up here in the day, I know..I feel a little like that sometimes too, especially if you're not on form - hence why I tend to try and find something to do to keep me occupied (like siliconing the utility last night). It's a bit of a pressure cooker in this place sometimes.
I've never really known you to do anything for "fun" apart from the odd holiday, some decorating, gardening etc, and we can't do those things here..you seem to find working on your laptop therapeutic and relaxing. ME, I find it winds me up.
I get stressed, I used to be able to vent it on the car(s), bikes etc..now I can't. We're stuck here, trying not to wake Isabel when she sleeps, jumping or sighing at every noise that might wake her,or arguing, or avoiding each other to prevent that.
I can assure you, I'm hardly having a party either.