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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

call of duty ruining marriage!!!

35 replies

weebam · 21/08/2010 12:16

anyone else have a hubby thats addicted to this?we have no relationship.2 young kids,we both work,im 30 hours he does 37 but all hswork is left to me.everything.he comes in at 8.30pm,he doesnt start till 11.30 and kids are in bed,im up at 6.30 so shattered but have done most of housework,but he cant wait for me to go to bed then sits on that till maybe 3am.never goes to bed with me,we argue constantly.there is so much more that i wont bore you with but feels like we all come 2nd to comp.even his amazin kids.he refuses to stop,says its his release.he cant get up in mornings and is ready to get the sack but refuses to see he has a problem.can anyone give me any advice?? please? thank you x

OP posts:

Just13moreyearstogo · 21/08/2010 12:21

Poor you - it sounds desperate. He has a big problem here in that his computer use is threatening his marriage. It's up to you how much you're going to put up with and how long you're going to stand it for. At least you realise the unfairness of your situation. It's time for a really serious talk with him, rather than an argument and perhaps a look at relationship counselling. He will keep doing this unless you make it impossible. Good luck x

Original poster

weebam · 21/08/2010 12:28

thanks,he wont go to counselling,says its my fault marriage is in tatters as i get on at him all the time.which i do as i feel so hard done to.we have had many problems,seperated for 8 months due to the same problem 2 years ago.he gave it up for a few months but ended up just buying another ps3 as he thot he could control it and missed it so much.i cant take it anymore and have asked him to leave many times but he refuses as he is the man of the house!! he literally does next to nothing unless i throw a freaky which i am sick of doing.this is no relationship. he called me an old dried up tart with a fat ass the other day and i just feel so crushed by it.i am older than him and i have put on weiht,used to be a 10 and am now a 14 but i had to babies in 2 years and im struggling to lose it,and am also a bit down so feel unmotivated to exercise.i know im rambling but im honestly at the ebnd of my thether!! x

OP posts:

ArseHolio · 21/08/2010 12:29

My BIL is like this, I think it's quite common. It's an addiction like sex and porn. He needs councilling :(

can't you 'break' the computer somehow ?

Original poster

weebam · 21/08/2010 12:31

he would just buy another one.he has had addictions to porn and another world of warcraft game but gave them up eventually as we split up over it.

OP posts:

ArseHolio · 21/08/2010 12:31

X posts.

Get rid sweetheart, the man's a cunt.

Just13moreyearstogo · 21/08/2010 12:32

I'm not surprised you're at the end of your tether - he's abusing you and using you to run the household whilst he plays computer games like a teenager. You've got some tough decisions to make here - but I think you know that you shouldn't let things continue as they are. What's his relationship like with the children?

CatButler · 21/08/2010 12:33

He's the man of the house???? Whatever gives him that impression when all he does is sit in the corner bashing buttons??

Bet he's got the headset thingy he talks into as well hasn't he? Gaaaaaa

No wonder you're feeling down, calling you nammes, blaming you for him being an idiot.

sorry don't have practical advice but you shouldn't have to put up with such behaviour/treatment. It's NOT YOU!!

jobhuntersrus · 21/08/2010 12:34

Sorry but sounds like he has already been given a chance to change because you spilt up over it before. I think if deep down you know he isn't going to change you need to seriously consider getting out of there.

Original poster

weebam · 21/08/2010 12:36

he sees them in the morning for mibbe 20 mins as he cant get up till about 10 and leaves at 11.takes ages to get ready,have coffee,fag etc. he is good with them when he is here and they are up,but sometimes he plays game while little one is with him and i am out,he falls asleep sometimes if he is with them and sometimes forgets to feed them or gives them sweets to keep them quiet.he aint a really bad dad but i think he is losing the relationship he had with them.he does love them.i know that.he just cant seem to see what he is doing.we cant talk,i have no respect for him and he is the same with me.im off work at the minute with stress but he wont even get up with them one morning to let me lie in for an hour as he is too tired.i feel i have lost my identity and self confidence.

OP posts:

Original poster

weebam · 21/08/2010 12:38

i hear him in my bed shouting at people on headset callin tham allsorts,how can that be relaxing?? that would wind me up big time!! we tried to have sex a few weeks ago and i just cried after it as i felt so embarassed and awkward.he said i was ignorant and how did that make him feel! was i wrong? i honestly dont know.?

OP posts:

gettingeasier · 21/08/2010 12:48

Weebam is this man enhancing yours or your dc life in any real way?

If not and you have tried to fix things before without success then maybe its time to take some action . The thought of separation is probably very overwhelming but your description of your life suggests the only way is up after striking out on your own. Why did you get back together ? If you survived 8mths before you can do it again.

Sorry I am on my own too its hard but I have my self respect back now.

Original poster

weebam · 21/08/2010 12:54

we had split the week before i found out i was pregnant with my 1 year old. i had severe spd and was on crutches and had a 1year old to contend with.he lived with his sister and didnt work and didnt give me any money as he was gettin social and had to give it to his sister to stay there. anyway,when baby was 4 days old my 14year old took suspected meningitis and i had to stay in hospital with him for 4 days,he stayed here with babies and just never left,we were ok for a while,he got a job and i went back to work after met leave but he was having to get up at 7.30 to let me go to work and he couldnt cope,fought every morning to get him out of bed,left foe work most mornings in tears or very angry.ended up going on sick leave due to the stress and thats been it since.ive been off 8 weeks.desperate to go back but cant face all that again.

OP posts:

SleepyCaz · 21/08/2010 12:56

What a cock. Fuck him off, you and the DC's deserve more than an a verbally abusive man-child.

CatButler · 21/08/2010 13:00

Shouting at people, sound of gunshots all day and evening long, huuuge frustration and they call it 'relaxing' - know where your coming from, am forever saying 'stop playing then if it makes you so angry'

Your ignorant???? People in glass houses......how very convenient to throw that at you so YOU feel guilty and he wouldn't have to deal with you being upset.

Fill in an application to have him join the real Army since he's soooo very keen on the idea of that and watch him panic...

Sorry, ranting, angry on your behalf!

Original poster

weebam · 21/08/2010 13:01

i do know all this.its just so hard.i know i can do it on my own.i was a strong person and know i can be again. i just meant my marriage vows and so wanted it to work.i know in a few years he will kick himself for fukin it all up but i want him to realise now.i really appreciate all your comments,i honestly was starting to believe it was my fault for bein a nag.but i wouldnt get on at him if he was pullin his weight and bein a proper hubby and father.i see that now.thanks everybody,need to go as he due in from work now and really dont want him to see this. thanks again guys x x

OP posts:

pregnantpause · 21/08/2010 13:18

Get out of there. Please don't be offended but as other posters have said what are you or your children getting from this relationship?
Your self esteem seems low enough already and continuing to co-habit (because by the sound of it that's all this relationship is. He moved back on- was there any recognition of re establishing him as a partner? Any resolve of the issues etc?) This man is only further abusing you and treading on any shred of self worth that you have. And your children will grow up thinking that this is normal and acceptable. If you have sons is this the role model you want for them? If you have daughters do you want them to think that it is okay for a man to treat them this way? Nobody is getting anything out of this terrible situatopn. It's hard I know- but imo its what you your children and your husband need.

sorrento56 · 21/08/2010 13:27

You can't make your marriage vows work on their own. He has broken them and you should kick him out. He brings nothing to your family life from what I have read.

toomuchmum · 21/08/2010 14:24

I had one of those, it was all about COD, he sounds very similar to yours. I got blamed for moaning and nagging him, but it drove me up the wall, I had to keep on at him to do anything. We split up around three months ago, it was the best decision ever for me. House so much happier now he has gone. I have four kids so its hard, but now at least I don't have to clear up after him!

happiestblonde · 21/08/2010 15:09

How old is this man!?!?!

My male housemates at uni were like this but seriously tell him it's you or the (ridiculous, pointless, violent) game.

Squitten · 21/08/2010 15:37

He is a child - pure and simple. And all this "man of the house" crap is a load of cobblers.

By remaining in this situation, you are simply enabling it to continue so unfortunately, the onus is on you to make the decision about how much of this rubbish you want to put up with. You can't save a marriage on your own and he evidently doesn't see any problem here so you have no other option but to leave.

Giddyup · 21/08/2010 17:21

sweetheart, you don't want your kids to grow up thinking the way you two are living is a life... Honestly, its easier to be on your own, you think you can't cope alone...but you really can. After a couple of months its like being able to breathe again. Apparently my whole body language changed when I moved out.

I know you meant your marriage vows but he obviously didn't or has seriously lost his way. You can't make it work by yourself and he is too selfish.

Leaving once and for all might make him see sense, but do it for yourself not for that reason. He most certainly won't get anyone else while he is acting like a sad little adolescent.

lizardpoisonsspock · 21/08/2010 18:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Doha · 21/08/2010 18:40

weebam you are NOT a weebam (if l have got the correct meaning of your name).
your (D)p is a stoater of a big bam and if he cant appreciate what he has at home he is a total eejit.

you owe it to yourself and your DC's to sort this mess out once and for all.

Be a strong wummin and ditch the tosser .

And no you ain't a Nag

Original poster

weebam · 21/08/2010 19:53

omg thank you so much everyone for your support.i cant believe i actually have people who understand. x x

OP posts:

Just13moreyearstogo · 21/08/2010 20:24

It's SO easy to understand - and so sad that you doubted other mothers would tell you he's the one at fault here, big time. Imagine if the roles were reversed and you stayed in bed till 10, did nothing around the house, left the kids to him, called him names and spent all day on the computer.

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