Wallowing in self pity, someone help me snap out of it.

[madonnawhore]

So I've finally ended a decade long emotionally abusive relationship and am proud of myself for finally making the break but I can't help feeling like I'm such a failure.

All my friends are getting married and pregnant (we're all early 30s) and they've been hugely supportive throughout all the horrible bust ups my ex and I have had. Leaving wasn't easy and I was homeless for a bit, having to rely on friends for places to stay, etc. I just feel like the whole time I've been breaking down and crying, turning up on their doorsteps with barely any notice, they've been getting on with their healthy relationships and happily planning their futures with their partners. I feel like such a burden on them and a real loser by comparison. They've been so kind to me and patient while I kept going back to him then leaving him ad infinitum. But I just feel that secretly they see me as such a pathetic victim and if I'm on my own now and staring down the barrel of a childless future I've got no one to blame but myself.

I tried so hard to make my relationship work. I don't want to be jealous of my friends whom I love so much, but I am. I'm jealous of their happiness and I just keep thinking why didn't I find what they have? What's wrong with me that I end up with a guy who treated me badly while they find wonderful men who adore them? And will it ever be my turn to be happy or am I always going to be the token single invite??

I know I'm wallowing. After this post I will try never ever again to sink into a 'woe is me' pity party, but I just feel like shit right now and need to get it off my chest.

Anyone else ever felt like this?

Don't be so hard yourself, you need some time to get over this. Bad relationships are still relationships and this one clearly played an important part in your life. It also sounds like you've had a tough time recently and you should be patting yourself on your back for making it happen and getting through it.

Wallow for a while and you will eventually come out of the other side with your self respect, but more importantly your perspective will come back and you will realise all the things you think about your friends aren't exactly how you are choosing to see them at the moment. You will also hopefully be in a better place to realise that comparing yourself with other people is a waste of energy as you will never really know what happens behind closed doors.

You have made a very positive step to changing your life and there is nothing more attractive to a well balanced normal man (not like your ex) than a confident woman, who is comfortable in her own skin - like attracts like. Stay strong.

Thanks for responding and being so kind. I know you're right about it being a waste of energy comparing myself to others but I can't help thinking maybe I'd be in a happy relationship and planning a family as well if I hadn't wasted so many years flogging the dead horse of my relationship.

I guess I need to give myself time to heal. I wish I could fast forward a year and be over it!

Maybe you would be, maybe you wouldn't, but it is something you will never know and can't change so don't dwell on it. I have no doubt that if you were to fast forward 5 years some of your 'happily settled' friends won't be anymore - everyone's life has its ups and downs, but it esp. hard on you because right now in your social circle you are the only one feeling like this. You only need to look on these pages and read of all these smart, capable great women having a horrible time to know that you aren't alone. I know some people will think this is a bit cheesy and cliched, but I think the beginning of the serenity prayer gives a wonderful perspective (when you are ready to stop wallowing).
...grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference
You've already had the courage to change, you can't change what is done, but you can focus on your future and making it what you want it to be. You won't think this at the moment, but in my experience the actual process of healing is what makes you stronger and gives you a new perspective. Look forward to the day when you wake up and don't feel like this because it will come and when it does you will be a different person because of the journey you've taken. I now sound like a complete hippy new age guru, which I really am not, I promise :)

I think you need to get to understand why you feel you are only worth abusive relationships. Until you do, you may struggle to move forwards. Maybe some counselling or psychotherapy could help you change those patterns.

PS: for what it's worth, all my 'sensible' friends who got married at 26 and had babies at 30 seem pretty dissatisfied with their husbands 10-15 years on, so don't give up yet!

Hey well done! You've done so well in finally making the break. Can't really put it better than podster has.
But you are young yet.I am in my 40's and have had a similar experience with recent exp.But I have just had his baby,am going it alone (with older dc,too) and,although can totally identify with where you're at right now,I know I will not stay here.
The future will be better!
Good luck x

You are SO lucky you have broken it off with him before you've had a child - just think, you would've been tied to him forever!

There are so many men out there who would suit you so much better - just forget this one and start again.

Thank you all. I know you're speaking sense! Feel a little bit better after having slept on it. One day at a time I guess...

Give yourself a big pat on the back for leaving an abusive relationship! Even for doing that, you are saying "I deserve better".

Think of the women (and men!) who are too scared to get out of something like that, so this shows you are a strong woman!

It's normal to grieve the ending of a relationship (or what could have been), don't berate yourself for that!

Pick yourself up, dust yourself down, and go for what YOU want in life! Don't compare yourself to others, it's all relative.

So true you are lucky not to be tied to ex for life if you had a child(ren) with him.

You are in your early thirties, still plenty of time to meet a wonderful man and have a (some) kid(s)! I was 36 when I had mine and also thought it would never happen! (Met him at 34).

Wishing you all the best!