Christ, I really need to talk about this but don't know where to turn.

[GreatWhiteLark]

This is a really long story and I just need to get my head around my feelings because I'm so torn.

I love my father to pieces, he is my 'Daddy' I'm approaching 30 but I feel such a sense of love towrds him its crippling.

But our relationship isn't very open.

He had an awful childhood and heres where my problems start.

My Grandparents are approaching their 70's now, my grandfather isn't my dads real Dad, he stepped in when he was very young, about 4. His real dad was an alcoholic, my grandma used to leave my Dad and his 3 year old brother (my dad was only 1 year older!) in the flat whilst she went to work hoping my dads real dad would come hom from work, but mostly he went to the bar, so they were left alone.

When he left and stepdad came along he used to beat them (there was a baby sister by this time too - to origibal dad too), my grandad (step) was in the army so he was unbelievably hard n those 3 kids, they weren't allowed to move without his permission.

He hurt them physically and mentally.

When my dad was 6 they sent him into care because he was 'bad' (its breaking my heart writing this, my son is nearly 6 and looks so much like my dad at that age) my Dad was never fostered and went from care home to care home for years. I don't know much about this because it make me feel truelly physicallh sick to think of him struggling like that as a child but I do know he was beaten and someone attempted to sexually abuse him.

This went on for his whole childhood, when he ran home from care my grandparents refused to take him in and sent him back.

His younger brother became and alcoholic.

when my dad was 17 he met my mum, he is now late 40's with 4 kids, 4 grandkids.

My Uncle married but it was a drunken relaton ship that didn't last.

We barely saw him and when we did it was because he was beaten up and had to stay with dad.

He died a year ago today.

Because its his anniversary I have been thinking.

I have contact with my grandparents, I never knew any of this stuff growing up, I always thought they were lovely, you wouldn't have a clue.

Of course I know now, but it causes me so much confusion and pain as they are so old and nice now, but I can't help but hate them when I think of what they did to my Dad.

They weep and mourn at my uncles grave but they said to his homeless freind when he knocked on their door to tell them he was ill 'ooh don't come knocking on our door, the neighbours will see you'

I just feel sick to my stomach.

My Dad is my world, but he is so distant because he doesn't know how to show affection because he never got any when little.

All I want is to hug him so much but I can't remember ever doing that :(

I'm srry, I'm babbling, today has been a really hard day.

I haven't even spoken to my dad because it feels so awkward. christ, my mum lost her Dad last year and I have sobbed and sobbed at the thought of loosing my Dad too but even that fear doesn't seem enough for me to be able to reach out to him.

I don't even know what Im doing writing this, I have no questions or even expect replies I just wanted someone somewhere to know how I am feeling tonight.

not really sure what to say, can you maybe write a letter to your dad letting him know how much you care for him.

sorry i am crap at these kind of things much love xx

If you want to say things to your dad and can't why not write him a card? I was in care and know how awful it can be but he can learn to be affectionate.

What is it you want to achieve?

I'm not sure what I want to achieve.

I guess I don't want my dads life to pass with me not being able to be close to him.

I tell him I love him, give him a peck on the cheek but never have conversations easily etc...

and I also feel like I want to tell my grandparents I hate them, but I don't and they are to old and ill to hear such a thing.

Oh that must be so hard for you :(

I think writing to him is a really good idea - it gives him a chance to process your emotions in his own time.

Oh greatwhitelark, your post made me cry - so much pain and sadness.

I agree that maybe a letter to your Dad would be a good way to start. You can really put your feelings into it, very much in the way you so eloquently wrote your original post. I would imagine he feels just as strongly about you but does not have the tools to show it - a letter could be just the opener he could be looking for?

Your relationship with your Grands is a different kettle of fish. Another letter could also be the way to go though. Tbh, they don't sound as if they have a great deal of understanding of their culpability. They like to put on the show for others (grieving for your uncle) but don't want to actually step up and be real parents to their kids. Maybe you could say that you are finding it hard to reconcile your memories of them with what you now know to have happened. Ask them to explain why they did what they did.

I think, though, that whatever happens on that side, your relationship with your Dad is what is important. I wish you strength to move forward with this and hope that you can reach your Dad and help him to become closer to you.

Thankyou.

Timba, I could never really say anything to my g/ps - they are old and ill and if my Dad has forgiven them I don't feel I can drag it all up, they have actually been very good to us.

I never saw my Dad cry but he read a letter to his brother at the funeral and he broke down talking of them as little boys playing. its so bloody hard to imagine his childhood :(

I would leave the Grand parents issue for now tbh. I don't think there is anything to be gained by telling them what you think when they are elderly. You will hurt them with no gain as you won't get the answers you want.

Talk to your dad. You have nothing to lose.

GWL, you can also just have some nice times with your dad, share some fun activities, what does he like to do? Go out of your way to do the things he enjoys, even if just simple everyday things. Those things create great memories as well as loving moments.

It's nice that your dad has forgiven the gps and that they have been good to you. People change and grow and sometimes it's good to just let the past go if you can.

In the meantime, allow yourself to feel sick and angry for a while and maybe vent those feelings to a third party who doesn't know your family (like you are doing here :)) as it sounds like it wouldn't necessarily help to go over this stuff with the people involved while the emotions are 'hot'.

Thankyou,

I think I do need to put some effort in myself first too,

I'm going to have a bath and early night

thanks again x

Confronting the grandparents will achieve nothing. It may even cause issues.

But please reach out to your dad. :)

I completely agree that a letter may be the way forward.

My Dad wrote me a letter on my wedding day. Thankfully it didn't contain anything as horrific as one from your Dad might, but it did say how he regretted various mistakes he'd made regarding my Mum (they're divorced) and how he'd learnt from it etc.

He would never had said those things out loud in a million years and we've never spoken about the letter, except a short acknowledgement that I'd got it.

But it means so much to me that he wrote it, and I feel that I understand him much better as a person. I've also been able to let go of some resentment I held onto surrounding my parents divorce.

I guess what I trying to say in a waffly way i that a letter can be a very gentle way into an awkward conversation. The letter writer has time to write exactly what they want to say while the recipient has time to mull it over before responding.

I really hope it could be the beginning of an open and honest relationship between you and your Dad

If all you want to do is hug him - then hug him! He might be a bit surprised if it's not something you normally do but he's your dad, he's hardly going to actually mind...

Your dad sounds like a wonderful person. If you don't really know how to express to him how much you love him, then could you use other ways to show him how much you care? Spend time together doing something he likes, or something you both enjoy... or just do little things that let him know you're thinking of him. My parents are in another country and I miss them. We talk on the phone, of course, but I know they really like it when for example I see something on the internet that I know my dad would find interesting and send him a link to it. It's a little unexpected thing he can find in his inbox that tells him I was thinking of him while going about my daily life. Maybe there's something equally small but meaningful you could do for your dad?

Do write him a letter.

My parents divorced when I was 10 and for years I wasn't in contact with my dad. This was much aided by my mother who was and still is very vitriolic about him.

He has never been one for showing emotion and finds it hard to express himself.

But he wrote me a letter some years ago, telling me how much he loves me, how proud he is of me etc etc. I still have it in my drawer and bring it out now and then because it means so much to me.

It has also paved the way for a more open relationship with him- he can now even tell me face to face how he feels.

This could work for you too.

He is obviously an amazing person if you feel so much love for him and his bad start in life obviously hasn't been transferred to you.

Putting it in a letter might feel a little awkward for you both initially but I bet it would mean the world to him.

Probably all his life all he ever wanted was to be loved unconditionally as most of us do he knows you do but to verbalise it would be such a gift.

The fact he has forgiven his parents speaks volumes too and is probably why he is emotionally healthy, even if he finds it hard to show emotion.

You sound like a fantastic daughter too, bet he is dead proud of you.

You know what? I bet if you did write a letter to your father, telling him how much you love him and how glad and proud you are he is your dad, it would mean so very much to him. You could try and give him a heartfelt hug, then give him the letter maybe?
I urge you to try and convey your devotion and love to him. Until he met your mother, he was probably so very starved for love.
I would not both bringing it up to the grandparents.
Good luck.