In-Laws picking on 6yr old

[BottleOfRum]

Bit of I "what should I do here" I suppose, but all linked up with relatinships.

DP has a large family, and 6 neices, no nephews. The girls are all ages 3-10, and 'belong' to his various sisters. DP's brother has recently got married to a lovely woman, who has her own 6yr old son from a previous relationship.

None of my in-laws (DP's family) treat this boy very well. All DP's sisters and brothers 'bitch' about him, and say what a little brat he is etc, and the men in the family will be really quite rough with him and upset him by teasing him too much, whereby he cries. They seem to enjoy upsetting him, and then the cycle starts again with everyone saying what a brat he is etc. In fairness, it does seem rare that he displays any positive qualities, but I feel thats only because he must hate these family days.

The 6 neices gang up on him awfully, calling him a baby etc. Its horrible to watch them, but their parents never intervene. This weekend, he hit out at one of the girls across her face. His mum, who was aware of it all, did not tell him off. This then led to a massive bitching session about her (behind her back), and a very confrontational argument by one of DP's sisters, about how she 'needs to learn to discipline her little brat'. I can't help but feel sorry for her and her son, they are new to this family and are really being treated as outsiders, and I can understand why her son lashed out after months of this horrible 'bullying'.

What would you do as an outsider - I am not the parent of any of these children so don't want to intervene in disciplining them, but its painful to watch this poor woman and her son being villified, and not being treated as part of the family.

If she is not being treated a one of the family, then you need to start treating her as one.

Make a friend of her, go round to see her, see her son in his "natural habitat" - see how he behaves at home.

Be nice to her, get her to talk about stuff.

Having just married into a large family if any of dh's family treated my children like this I would be horrified and extremely upset. I would speak to my dh about it and speak personally to the people involved.

If nothing changed I would no longer be spending any time with the people who were cruel to my child.

I would tell the adults off for bitching about them and i'd be telling the neices off as well, but then I hate to see anyone, especially a very young child, being treated like a leper.
I'd also go out my way to make friends with her and offer her back up.

So your DP is the only son, the others are daughters?

I think he needs to tell his parents, and his sister, that they are bullying this kid, and their new DIL. How horrid. But I see you as another in-law aren't in the best position. Templemaiden's idea is a good one.

My BIL has created a similar sitution, his GF has a little boy and he's portrayed as the "brat", including by BIL, if BIL's DD does something naughty its overlooked while if this little boy does the same thing people come down on him like a ton of bricks. Also similarly the other children in the family (also all girls...I did have to think about whether you actually were talking about the same family here as it sounds so similar) know this, especially BILs DD, and she actively tries to get him in to trouble. I remember a particualrly unpleasant conversation where she dragged the conversation around to this boy and was telling me in depth "I don't like him. Daddy doesn't like him. Nanny doesn't like him" with a nasty little smirk on her face (she's 9) and thinking how horrible it must be to be this little boy having his face rubbed in it in his own home about how people hate him (he wasn't there at the time, but BILs DD was so gleeful about saying it to me that I can't believe she doesn't needle him with it as well).

Unfortunately I don't think there is much you can do directly. DH used to talk about how this boy was a brat, so I pointed out some of the things about the way he was treated and how he actually was never anything but sweet and polite and I didn't understand how he had been stuck with the brat tag, and DH thought about it and realised that he was actually a nice little boy. I also make sure I'm nice to him and give BILs DD short shrift (she's always the ringleader) if she picks on him. If you are in a position to, befriend his mum, as she should be struggling with all of this and might need an ally. Talk to your DP as well, in a non confrontational way - if he doesn't have experience of little boys he might ust be accepting that the boy is a brat because his more experienced in parenting sisters are telling him he is. How does he interact with this boy? If you can find out that the little boy likes something in particular try and have a little conversation about it just to give him some positive interaction.

What (if anything) is the husband doing about this, is he involved?

Lets hope your DH and his brother also only have girls....

It's such a bad situation. You first have to remember you're a part of this family and will have to deal with all of them, I'd honestly stay as neutral as possible least you cause problems for yourself. They don't exactly sound like the sort of people who would take criticism well. Being nice to everyone sounds ridiculous and is difficult, but if you go too far out of your way to bond with the girlfriend that the entire family is upset with you're going to have problems too.

At the same time, if it's painful to watch try distraction. Help encourage the little boy to do other things when he's being picked on or being trouble. Perhaps he could bring a friend with him (another little boy) to these family functions. Your brotherinlaw's partner could tell them 'Since he's the only boy, so he doesn't have to bother the girls' that sort of thing.

In my own family, my sister in law hates her boyfriend's 6 year old son. She throws fits regularly about how she doesn't think they can stay together because of the boy. He's a good boy. When I went to his birthday I got all the kids playing together with her and I and for a while she was less... I guess 'nasty' about him. But when there is less interaction with him, the seed of loathing seems to replant itself. She might never be able to accept him, if so she's going to be miserable and make her bf and the boy unhappy as well. Some people are just like that.

Despite good intentions and even her asking for my opinion and help, she has gotten up set with me in the past over it. So, I have just come to accept I will treat the boy as I would any of my friend's or relative's children, no favoritism, no difference as far as I am aware, just like any other little kid I have close contact with. One kind person is sometimes all a child will get, and sometimes the thing that will make a difference to how they react to a situation.

Hi, This picking on the little boy makes my blood boil. My own grandparents who only had daughters were lovely to me but really horrid to my brother. It really hurt him. If it is at all possible point out to all concerned that they are being cruel to a vulnerable little. child. He is only a child. Anyone would be a brat if picked on my a group. He has also suffered the trauma of having separated parents and then a stepfather.
Maybe his Mother should get some professional advice on how to cope in this situation. The stepfather needs to show some leadership here. Why is he tolerating this bullying? The little boy's behaviour will deteriorate if he is bullied, and then they will all think they were correct to dislike him. Perhaps his mother and stepfather should stay away from family gatherings until the family learn some manners, some sympathy and some child friendly behaviour. Gang behaviour is contagious. Don't stand by and let this happen

It is time for your DH's brother, the stepfather here, to stand up for the little stepson, and fast. Your DH could probably back him up too. If it doesn't stop it will put a strain on the marriage of the BIL, and rightly so. I second the idea of boycotting the family gatherings.

What a nest of vipers your extended IL family are.

My exILs treated the children of one SIL differently from the rest of the 'biological' cousins -- I'll never forget how exMIL explained to my DCs one day that no, actually they had two fewer cousins than they were counting because X and Y weren't really cousins. Afterwards, I sat them down and told them the children of their aunt and uncle were their cousins, no matter who else's children they are besides. I regret not confronting her on the spot.

I hope you don't take the advice of Edemame and keep quiet to protect your own position in the family . I think you need to get your partner to say something - it sounds really cruel.