How to deal with a toxic mil...I have to call her today

[redhappy]

mil wan't to take children out today I have said no and she has been causing trouble with dp all day so I am going to ring her this evening.

Really need some advice on how to deal with her.

Basically she is very unbalanced. Has no sense of boundaries. In the past I have either let it go, or tried to politely explain why she has upset me, why I would prefer her to do things differently etc.

I thought we had reached a good point, where we respected each other had a right to an opinion, even if we didn't agree with it, and just leave it be. Turns out actually she just goes behind my back now.

Ds has some special needs. Yesterday I found some email she had sent to dp. She had attached articles that basically implied his special needs were down to me, and things I did when he was a baby. ( I didn't 'do' anything by the way, I am a normal mum, with a typical lifestyle eg. At home, have worked part time, not currently, do 3 meals a day, homecooking, healthy snacks, limit tv, lots of walks, seeing other kids etc. I have NOT damaged him!)

What I really need help with is how to constructively effect change! She simply does not get it, or refuses to. If anybody dares to question her she plays the victim, demands apologies, guilt trips her children and their partners.

My other greivance is that she made such a mess of being a mum how dare she interfere! She wil sometimes admit this, but only if she's playing the victim card at the time. Her reply is always 'I was only trying to help' and she plays ignorant to the fact that I have politely asked her not to.

What can I possibly say to her? I texted her earlier to say she couldn't have the kids today as she had broken my trust and I would contact her to discuss it.

think you might have to explain more!!
from your op it sounds like she might just be trying to help and you are the toxic one.
what kind of articles did she attach?

"What I really need help with is how to constructively effect change! She simply does not get it, or refuses to. If anybody dares to question her she plays the victim, demands apologies, guilt"

Actually you have answered your own question here by writing the above. You cannot force change and she has to be right all the time. Any attempt that you make to effect change will not work. She is, as you rightly say, unbalanced.

I would not make contact with this woman under any circumstances because it will backfire on you. If any contact is made now I would let your partner talk to her. He needs to stand up to this woman despite a lifetime of conditioning not to. Both of you need to present a united front to this woman and install proper boundaries of your own towards her. Have caller ID on your phone and block any incoming calls or e-mails she sends.

On a wider level too do you really need or want anyone like this toxic woman in your lives at all?. She's only bringing pain and disruption into your lives currently - time to make a stand.

Apologies if I have missed other threads or a big back story

I think sending emails to your husband to try to convince him that you are to blame for your son's sn is absolutely toxic.

What does your husband make of this?

thankyou attila

domeafavour I find her very difficult to be around, so I have behaved in ways I'm not proud of. She is so highly emotional (and I believe that she does this to manipulate people) so I become very detached. It's an instinctive response to protect myself. I have tried being more open and warmer with her, but then she ends up overstepping the mark (I feel) and I'm back to square one where I totally cut off to her and I look like I'm the one behaving badly.

I just want to live my life in peace, without all the chaos she brings.

yes there is a back story, sorry... here

Attila if I cut her out I think that will back fire on me too.

But it looks like this already has, she has just texted me....I am rude and disrespectful to her too, undermine her, she just wanted to help and would have approached me if I wasn't so rude and cold.

Yes dp needs to stand up to her and he is finding it difficult to see that he even needs to. I think he sees her as misguided, a bit of a 'nightmare' (his words) but heart in the right place.

This is actually text book toxic parent type stuff; her response is typical. She wanted to help - my arse she did!. If she cuts you off well great, you won't have her crap in your lives to deal with then. Apart from anything else your son does not need a toxic grandparent who blames you, his mother, for his special needs.

Your man needs to read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward if he has not done so already. His mother's heart is not in the right place at all because she wrote all those nasty e-mails about his child!. (I think I am right in recalling that he chose not to reply).

She deliberately wants to undermine you both and does not care who she hurts along the way. She will also never apologise for her actions nor take any responsibility for them. Her recent message is proof of that - she is just projecting on you. Ignore such nonsense. You know she is unbalanced and will remain so.

Do not reply to any communications she sends you - you need to go no contact.

If you want further support may I suggest you post on the Stately homes - dysfunctional families thread that is currently running on these relationship pages.

BTW my personality disordered narcissist BIL cut us off at his instigation just because he did not get what he wanted from us. Well boo hiss to him, he's a complete twat and his cutting us off is no loss to us.

You are not being disrespectful to her by deciding how your own children will be parented.

she thinks you're disrespecting her because you won't parent your children how she sees fit!

I had a toxic controlling abuse partner, now X, and now that he is my x, the only way to deal with him is to ignore him.

At firs it feels like you're not fighting back, so at first you feel like a doormat, and they feel like finally they've made you listen to them... but then there's a shift and they realise that you no longer give a shit what they think. Just say mmmmmmm and carry on regardles..
I agree, do not reply to any texts or emails that she sends you, no matter HOW irritating.

It's frustrating, but if you reply, it feeds her delusion that what she thinks is important to you. It's not! right?!

And the only way to bring this home to her is to act s though she weren't there. Small talk, chit chat, the weather, big smile, nice skirt, more tea? that's it.

If she were a normal supportive mother and grand mother, she would be putting her energy into finding ways to be supportive and helpful, not spreading her poison through divide and rule emails. Nasty woman.

I agree, she wants obedience from you. You haven't stepped into line. So now she needs to cry and so forth.

This woman sounds dreadful! Most of what I wanted to say has already been said, but if you can, get witnesses of any conversations you have with her, that way she can't backpeddle on what she's said so easily. I wouldn't call her today, I'd leave her be for now. Quite clearly, she is toxic and if she is to continue this way, it may well be that you are all better off without her, at least for a while.

Best wishes.

Thankyou, my head's in such a mess now. I have promised dp I will call her later, but he has agreed not to tell her this, so she is not expecting the call.

This is what she has sent to me "The emails I sent were meant to help! I would have sent them to you if you were an approachable person but your consistent rudeness and patronising attitude towards me each time I've offered information in the past hasn't encouraged me to do so. You have frequently undermined me, mearly always in public- and it;s been noticed by other people present, so please don't talk to me about respect! Did you respect (dp's) privacy when you read his emails? When I sent them I thought he would read the info and talk to you. It was for (ds) benefit. I am his grandma and I love him. This isn't about the way you've cared for him. It's about offering possible reasons and ways forward. It's what family and friends do! You're a young mum (I'm 29) and doing it well and I've respected you"

The articles were about controlled crying, how it causes stress hormones and then slow learning in babies, and non-responsive mothers.

I do admit that I've appeared rude to her. I've just felt so trapped in a corner by her, she doesn't respond to any poilte requests. If i say, 'well I'd prefer not to talk about it' she get's cross with me, then my back's up the next time we meet so I'm not lovely and warm and friendly to her.

You cannot win with people like this.

She sounds like she's projecting HER "consistent rudeness and patronising attitude" on to you. You do not need this. In fact, that is a stunningly patronising communication to you.

You do not need to justify or explain yourself to this woman, who ever she is. Just because she is related means nothing.

TBH I wouldn´t phone her.

What did your husband think of the emails?

Did he want to talk about them or even show them to you?

I think he should be phoning her & talking to her tbh.

Oh, it sounds like you should be grateful for her knowledge and advice?!?!

I love how they always like to point out that THEY are the GRANDPARENT and that THEY love them - it makes my blood boil that we have to put up with stupid old idiots like this!!!

Its funny how i bet your friends and family dont do "advice" that hurts or is nasty, neither do mine, it always seems to come from the other half's mothers lot!

And who said you needed her approval on how your doing as a mother, the stupid goat - can you tell i have the matching identical one to you?!

I would tell her tonight, forthright and simple that she needs to back off or there will be consequences!

Tell her to fuck off. FFS - that's an appaling thing to send to you. Oh and she's just trying to help. Yes, this is classic - undermining you under the guise of help. Yeah right.

Do you undermine her in public or is it that she tries to undermine you in public and you stop her?

Firstly, how does she know that you have read the e-mails? Who told her? How does she know that your DH did not invite you to read them? FWIW, I don't actually think that this particular issue is any of her business, as long as DH knows you saw the e-mails by accident it is none of her business. So her comments about that would appear, to me anyway, to be another attempt to undermine your relationship with your DH.

Secondly, it is not of any use to look for reasons why your DS has ASD, the fact is, he has it, so the only 'information' that might be of benefit, would be to do with how you move forward and tbh, it sounds as though you are on the ball enough to be able to look for that yourself. In any case, it is for you and DH to make the decisions regarding your family, not her.

Thirdly, she clearly doesn't, and never will, understand that the reason you act as you do towards her, is precisely because she has shown she has no respect for boundaries. She may not like the boundaries you set, but if she respected you at all, she would honour them.

Since she does not restrict her unpleasantness about you to conversation with you/DH, but involves others, BIL etc, I am afraid that at this stage I would not get into a discussion with her. Just state clearly that you are no longer prepared to be treated as her own personal virtual punchbag and that as such, you are withdrawing from any relationship with her and that you are also no longer prepared for her to see the DCs since you have clear reasons to believe she will say unpleasant, untrue things about you in their hearing.

Your DH may not like it but it is his job to protect you and your DCs from the harm this woman can do.

Oh, and if she was truly ASD, she would have no special 'bod' with DS. Social difficulties are one of the three main impairments as I am sure you know, kack of empathy etc. maybe you should point that out to her as well.

redhappy

As thisishowifeel rightly states you cannot win with people like this. She is projecting her crap onto you - do not respond to it.

You would not put up with this type of nonsense from a friend - why should your partner's mother be any different in that regard?. You don't need such poisonous toxicity and your partner needs to realise that his mother is unfortunately toxic to him as well. If she is narcissistic in terms of personality (and I have thought this of her) then I really do feel for you both here as you cannot have any meaningful relationship with such people. Its all about them you see and her e-mail is all about her.

Ugh. I wish I could offer you advice, but all I have is lots and lots of sympathy because mine is exactly like this too. I froze reading the email she sent you because it is exactly the kind of thing mine would send me. theladylobster they must be triplets! I am glad to see the support you are getting, when I first read this thread there was only the 1st reply and I started to simultaneously question my sanity and get really annoyed on your behalf and my own! Stay strong, be brave, my sympathies.

giveitago

I just don't know anymore. I have behaved badly I'm sure. But I met her 2 years ago and had 2 babies in that time so hormones have had a massive part to play on my side.

After reading your replies i realised there was a bit missing this is what else she put

'Neverhteless, we all have to accept we don't know everything. Can you? I feel I've experienced enough of life and given enough love to be listened to. If not, what's the point?'

I can't just tell her to fuck off. Dp agrees she is a nightmare, but accepts she is because she's his mum. He read the emails, but didn't show me because there was no point. He knew I would get upset, and he didn't agree, or think what she was saying was constructive. He didn't reply to them either.

There there, clearly your younger, you should repent and bow down to the wisdom and knowledge of a seriously self absorbed individual!

URGH. I love the way that her entire life experience is only worth anything if she gets to pass on her precious wisdom to the needy. Tell her you will her ask for advice if you feel you need it, and that when you need information you go out and research it instead of waiting for magic mil to drop it through on the secret email.

Well then as far as I can see, no one needs to phone her at all.

If the email is mentioned can´t your husband just say that it was received & there was nothing of any interest/value in it for you.

In fact, she is sort-of basically saying she was put on this earth to show you the way. You know, your MIL is really winding me up!

I think i wouldn't call her, wouldn't take her on, would ignore all advice, and would ask your husband to have a word re the emails - unsolicited email advice is the same as spam in my inbox

Surely if you ignore her enough she might just crawl off and find someone else to p!ss off

Yes you can tell her to f off. If a friend did this she would no longer be your friend so why is this woman any different?. Relatives have no right to treat other relatives like this.

You should not communicate with her in any way, shape or form. All she wants is for you and her son to continue to be her supply!. Did you read up on narcissistic personality disorder btw?.

As for your MILs comment as well:-
'Neverhteless, we all have to accept we don't know everything. Can you? I feel I've experienced enough of life and given enough love to be listened to. If not, what's the point?'

Again it is all about her, she is actually implying here that she knows far more about everything and you do not (because you to her are inferior). Your feelings do not matter one iota, she is not even considering your feelings here because she has no empathy (yet another narcissistic characteristic). My guess too is she has no sense of humour (does not get humour) or irony either.