why is he sooo vile

[pineapplecube]

My h left in feb for another woman(although still wont admit reckons it started 2 weeks after but this is rubbish) and since he has gone he has been utterly vile to me. You would think I had left him. He wanted a divorce at once wanted to introduce ow to my 3 year old ds at once. He has no respect for me what so ever is abusive on the phone. He is cold callous and quite simply vile.

I said to him why can't you be a little kinder. I understand he may not love me anymore and he may want to be with someone else but that doesnt mean he has to hate me...especially after 20 years of marriage. He tells me things like this is the happiest he has ever been in his life.....yet he is not with his kids wtf? He says he has never had anything like what he has now. He actually showed my teenage ds a photo of a dinner she cooked him in his fone and said "look, now thats the kind of dinner .... cooks for me."

I asked him the other day why he hated me so much and his reply was "i don't know i just do"

I just don't understand how anyone can be so horrible least of all someone you were with for such a long time. Yet he moans because i am not amicable and want everything done through solicitors.

What can i do its all so wearing i feel physically ill i am so stressed.

Am at a loss what to say. I'm so sorry for the situation you are in and hopefuly your DS will realize his dad is being a tosser by pulling stunts like the phone photo.

Hope it gets easier and other people will come along to share their expierences soon.

It's twisted guilt. He has to hate you because he couldn't do what he knows he's done to a nice person. He has to dehumanise you to keep his own comfort - like in a war, when you can't afford to think of the enemy as real human beings. And any attempt to make him feel bad about leaving you, especially if it's successful, will just make him resent you more.

Keep going through solicitors and try to ignore what's going on in his mind. Next time he tells you how happy he is, just say something neutral like "that's nice, dear". Or if you want to be a little bit mean in return, think of something he used to do that really, really annoys you and tell him how glad you are you don't have to live with that any more. And smile.

thanks guys

I think Annie is totally right, he needs to rewrite history so that he's not the bad guy, because otherwise he might have to face up to who he ACTUALLY is and what he's done, and he's not strong enough. He's trying to make you react so he can reinforce that fantasy with concrete examples.

Next time he's a wanker, don't react, or at most say something like "Goodness that's unpleasant" and move the conversation on. Your teenage DS will soon cotton on that his dad is a tosser and it will hurt their relationship. Do you have a hobby or something you could talk about back? So he says he's the happiest he's ever been and you brighly come back with "Yes, things are going really well for me I've been doing x, y and z and acheived a, b and c". Treat it like he's trying to start a normal conversation not a fight and give him chatty examples - he won't know how to deal with it because it's not the script he wants you to follow. If he keeps pushing you with things like "I'm happier with her than I ever was with you" tell him that it obviously has all worked out for the best for everyone then. Just keep wrongfooting him and referring him back to your solicitor.

he has to hate you, to make himself feel better for treating you so incredibly badly

try to rise above it

however, I would have zero tolerance where he is involving the kids in his pathetic machinations

although, depending on the age of them, I bet they think he is a wanker too

Agree with others - breaking up a family is a lot easier of you make the other person the bad guy.

Also agree that non-reaction is the best tactic. I wouldn't sink down to the level of comparing who has the better life - he's likely spouting a load of toss anyway.

I'm trying to speak to my sister at the moment (she's a psychologist) about how my H suddenly said to me "I'm happy now", the other night. Left me and 2 kids for OW, torn our family apart. Can't work it out at all, why he would just suddenly say that?

Don't if that helps you, but my situation sounds similar to yours, married 19 years and H introduced OW to dd very soon, much to my disgust. Just being totally unfeeling towards me and the kids, since he left in March.

Like you, he just seems to hate me now. I'm telling myself that he was a "needy person" and that I don't need that in my life anyway. I want someone who is strong, independent and loving, not someone who is, mentally, a big cry-baby, saying "What about me?"

bastards

self-deluding bastards

I agree with the guilt theory. And photographing a meal?! In order to compare it too yours? And showing it to your son? That's beyond pathetic.

yeah i agree with the guilt theory, and taking photo of meal, what a pratt!!!!

Spoke with my sister about the "I'm happy now". She reckoned he can't be very happy to say that. Maybe trying to convince himself? Anyway, didn't discuss everything as it's her birthday.

Pineapple, has your H said to you anything along the lines of: "You're not the victim here"....what the..? Mine's said that to me twice. So he obviously sees himself as a victim...of what, I don't know!

I don't know what's going on in his head. I realise I just want the divorce out of the way as he's so unpredictable and unbearable.

How far are you with the divorce proceedings?

My stbe also mentioned his victim/martyrdom status and that he's happier now. I know it's a lie or rather an avoidance of the truth. He'd rather not confront the real unhappy him.