have packed dp's bags- am I crazy?

[dilemma2010]

Relationship with DP is on a knife-edge.

I grew up with an abusive mother who I lived in constant fear of. She hit me but it was the emtional/verbal abuse which hurt the most.

This morning when me and DP were having yet another fight it just dawned on me that our relationship is just like living with Mum.

I am quite sensitive and do get easily upset, so I'm not the easiest person to live with but I dont think that excuses the way DP treats me.

Things kicked off this morning when DP announced at the last minute that I'd have to take DD to the childminder before my appointment at 9.30. There wasn't enough time so I started getting anxious and was annoyed with him for not telling me earlier or last night that he had to go into work early. Then I couldnt find any of my socks because he'd taken all the socks in the house into the living room to sort them into pairs but had abandoned the task and left them all lying on the floor. Then I tripped up on one of DD's dresses he'd left lying on the floor. Then when I said I didnt have time to take her, he said I did as he had re-set the clock 10 mins fast yesterday and hadn't told me, so I did have time.

So I started having a go at him for causing all this stress and not communicating with me and he reacted quite aggressively, standing over me with a raging red face, shaking his finger at me, causing me to cry. He said that I "needed help". I had tears streaming down my face but he just walked off to the other room.

After a few minutes of silence I asked him too apologise for being aggressive so he said "I'm sorry if you are upset, but it's not my fault you are sensitive". I said was he not going to apologise for being aggressive, and he denied that he had stood over me waving his finger!

So, that was it for me. If he is going to try to get out of being aggressive by telling me I imagined it (he later admitted he did do it) then he has crossed the line as far as I'm concerned.

I told him he would never treat his Mum or sister like that or let anyone else treat them like that and he walked off.

So now I've packed his bags and want to go and ask for his keys (he lives in my house)
am I crazy?

Have namechanged btw.

Is he the father of your children? Sorry to ask, but I think it does affect any decisions.

Well if it's your house then absolutely.

Would be very good idea for him to go away and have a think. And for you to see what it's like in the house without him - could be a great weight off your shoulders.

Is he DD's father?

If it's your house, you have the right to do what you want with it, I suppose.

I find with these dilemmas it's so hard because we weren't there.

he is DD's dad

I don't think him being the father makes an ounce of difference, he was/is agressive towards OP. You have done the right thing, stand by your decision.

Just going by your OP, I think you've probably done the only thing that will force him to take you seriously.

That is gaslighting on a pretty disgusting level imo.

It doesn't have to be forever if you can work it out, but (having experienced something very similar myself) it will make him realise that he can't bully you without consequences.

Have you been to Relate? It helped DH and I a lot, and we're now very happy.

Also, read about CBT. It teaches you how to handle yourself. Most empowering.

These things only work if both partners are willing to try though.

You almost certainly are doing the right thing You're following your instinct instead of being bullied by him.

Setting the clock 10 mins early? How weird and controlling is that fgs?

It is gaslighting and it is indicative of a man who has serious damage, that you cannot repair.

If he wants to be in your family, he must:

1 accept what he is doing
2 accept that it is wrong
3 get help to work out why he does it and learn how to stop it.

Well, I've given him the bag of his clothes and a letter I wrote him explaining how I feel. I also got his/my keys.

I've said I'll talk to him but dont want him in the house until/if I can trust him.

He said he'll call me later...

the socks and dress thing....not really down to him.

the standing over you wagging finger with red face....were you sat down and he was standing??

the clock thing....odd....did he change ALL the clocks/comp/mobiles.....??

he says you need help?? yes,he could be right....for the mpother/sensitivity issue,yes

I think there is probably more to this.

I wouldn't react well to having it suddenly dropped on me that I had to drop dd at the childminder. It all sounds very odd to me, like he planned it all? Is that possible, obviously not the socks and tripping over the dress thing.

Does this sort of thing happen often? My ex was consistently awful in a similar way but would really play down what he did till in the end I felt like I was going mad (gaslighting?). Even when I told people it didn't sound like much but it was.

Are you sensitive? Or does HE tell you that you are. Need to know more really.

You might want to get some counselling, or if you have had some in the past, a one off session. To sort out any lingering problems and to straighten out in your mind, where it could be you; so you know where it is him.

He does sound very odd, and it sounds as if you suspect he doesn't respect you as much as his mother or sister.

Good luck!