Am I taking myself too seriously?

[2teenmum]

Am I taking myself too seriously if I get upset when referred to as 'The Creep'?

I was coming downstairs to great my partner when he came home. As the stairs were creaking, he said, "Oh, look who's coming . . . the creep".

In all my relationships with men, I have never been called a creep. When I got upset, the man said I was taking myself too seriously and did not have a sense of humour. Perhaps I am and I have been feeling down about a number of things so his sense of humour was not appropriate at the time.

I was not upset at the time he came but am very upset now. What bothers me is that he has not apologised.

It's not so much being called something in particular, imo, it's when someone tells you on top of that that you essentially have no right to have anything but a positive reaction to whatever off the cuff and badly chosen thing popped into their head and rolled unfiltered off their tongue.

He is taking himself far too seriously if he thinks an apology would be beneath his dignity. What's it to him, after all? If he meant it and it hurt you, and he regrets it, apologise. If he didn't mean it and he hurt you, and he regrets it, apologise, right? The question is, does he regret it. If he doesn't apologise, he doesn't regret it, he doesn't care enough about your feelings to lose a bit of face. He cares more about feeling he is 'right' than being kind.

What a strange sense of humour your partner has!

You are entitled to be upset if he says something that you find upsetting. As math says, if he cares about you, he would realise that what he said had upset you and apologise.

What's he like the rest of the time? Does he treat you with respect? Does he show you (not just tell you) that he loves you?

Even if he thought it was a great joke (which it isn't!) then he should have apologised if it upset you.

Have a read of this and see if it rings any bells.
www.southernct.edu/womenscenter/verbalabuse/

Thank you all so much.

Malinkey - I've just read the article and this rang true "Verbal abuse attempts to create self-doubt" for me.

The reason why I wrote on mumsnet is because I have been doubting myself so much of late. I was seriously beginning to wonder whether all of what I do and say is my fault - all the time!

Thanks again.

atswimtwolengths you asked what he's like most of the time.

He can go from being very loving to being quite horrible. He does make fun of people but is not in a nasty way but often with humour - and I am sometimes made to feel I am a prude if I correct him or ask him not to carry on.

There seems to be a pattern of this where he gets fed up with me or at least that is how I feel a lot of the time. His exasperation/disappointment often comes out in this way -almost a veiled anger. This is difficult as I often show I am annoyed outright.

Um - what exactly are his good points?

He doesn't seem to think that your feelings and opinions matter. Not Good. Not Nice Person.

You are in an abusive situation. The good parts are just one side of a bad coin; they serve to keep you hanging in there while he plays with your mind. Have you considered ending the relationship?

I'm not sure about that. He is also very loving and supportive but unfortunately it seems that when I am really down or depressed, he isn't quite there for me or is for a while and then gets fed up. I guess he's only human. This is when the pattern begins.

Now that I have written this, I am no longer sure whether he is supportive or not.

I don't know. I am feeling very confused and fed up.

I am very sorry to read your posts, 2tm. What he did there, in the incident you described, is exactly the sort of thing a school bully would say to see if they could 'get to you'. It's very rude.

It would be different if, for example, you'd been wearing some brand-new trainers that squeaked! Then, you'd be laughing too, wouldn't you? But this is making a criticism out of a normal (and generous) activity: coming downstairs to say Hello.

I would have different advice for you if you were a 14-year-old writing about a school bully. But you are grown-ups and he's supposed to be your partner - advice on how to beat him or to tame him are hardly appropriate, are they?

How come you're living together? Is it your house, his, or what? He's bullying you, you know that, don't you. What next?

What is going on is that as long as you're just fine and need nothing from him he is 'there' for you. That means he's only able to be 'there for you' if and when you are there for him.

I don't think your initial post points to abuse. I'm sure when I was little there was a poem with lines like: "hear the stairs creak" to rhyme with "to meet the creep." So I would guess it was a bad joke about the stairs and not about you. Like the trainer example above, you would know it was aimed at the trainers and could laugh but what if you had squeaky trainers and his joke was "here comes the mouse," would that then be upsetting?

However for you to take it so personally is a problem, and it does sound like you need to think hard about whether that is coming from him or from you (not in a blame way, just explanation). I wouldn't be too quick to condemn his motives - it is possible that when you seem down he is attempting clumsily to cheer you up with "jokes". Do you feel you could talk to him about it, at a time when there are no heightened emotions and incriminations flying around?

It might be abuse but it also reads like you are vulnerable just now and may start to worry it is abuse when it is not. Everyone here has very little to go on, not even the context of the comment. If you only feel attacked and unsupported when you already feel down, I wouldn't be too quick to assume he is the root of the problem - he might simply be less good at dealing with it than you would like.

It's not the joke, LamberGinghy. It's the refusal to apologise for the hurt it caused.

If someone tends to be vulnerable and her DP goes around making jokes or digs disguised not too subtly as humour, then you have to ask Why not be kind instead? If you say something that even inadvertently hurts someone, why not apologise? No-one has an absolute right to make a joke at someone else's expense and then refuse to be accountable for any hurt caused.

He now knows it was, at best, a really clumsy and stupid thing to say, and even if his intentions were good but misguided, he also knows his joke backfired, and that a sincere apology would go a long way towards restoring the relationship. So why not apologise? And remember the next time something funny pops into his head that it won't necessarily be received as such by the other person.

To reiterate, the joke is one thing, and the refusal to apologise is another, but the accusation that she was taking herself too seriously and has no sense of humour -- that is the classic line of a verbal abuser. That is what has stuck in her mind, and rightly.

Sorry, Dinghy

I can think of no reason why someone should call their partner the creep.

I have been feeling vulnerable but even if I had been on top of the world, a comment like that would have got to me. There are so many other words in the English language that he could have used. So although the explanation about the poem helped me to understand the slip, it doesn't remove the hurt.

Anyway, He has now apologized (again) and very sincerly. it's time to move on and put this behind me.. What I have gained from all of you in sharing this has been good. I am much more aware of what to look out for and feel stronger for it. So thanks again.