Very confused. what would you do ?

[3weeksandcounting]

err where to start. Ok in theory I should know the answer to this but I really don't. H left me in October of last year.. He had been unhappy for a while and rather than making it clear he was unhappy walked out when I confronted him about why he was being so horrible. There was / is no OW but he has masses of childhood issues (abandoned by his mum, rubbish Dad etc) and does realise that he /we should have confronted our problems rather than running away. I do recognise also how i contributed to the problems in our marriage and have been in counselling since last year too.

In that time I spent the last 8/9 months angry, distraught, confused, alone and pregnant with DC2 and have always made it clear that I wanted us to try again - and he has never really wanted to....but I have been feeling stronger the last month or so. We spent last week together as he took a week's paternity leave and we ended up getting on pretty well as , for once I decided to shelve my anger towards him for the sake of our new baby. He has been to counselling and is sorting some of his own issues out and last night told me he wants to move back in and make a go of things.

So this is what I have wanted all along and I was so angry at him for chucking our marriage away and splitting up our family (DD1 is 3) but I am just not sure now. I am not sure if he loves and respects me in the way that I feel I want him to. I almost get the impression he is not sure himself but doesn't really fancy life without his family. He didn't do a great job of convincing me he would walk over hot coals to get me back but then I know him well enough to know that that is not his style either.

He wants to move back in. I said last night I think that would be too much too soon and how about we try a few counselling sessions first . He doesn't think that's enough and wants us to bite the bullet. I have my Mum living here helping me at the moment and they don't get on and seeing each other is really tough.

I just don't know what to do. I'm not sure If I love him right now and he has put me through so much . That said do I not owe it to my family to give it a go and if it works it works - great and if it doesn't then I know we'll be ok anyway. Or am I being naive ? I was just about starting to feel optimistic about the future and no I have no idea what to do. Would it be madness for him to just move back in ? Can you 'get back' love and respect in time or does it need to be there in order for us to have anything to build on ? very confused!

I think if you're not ready you should do joint counselling and see where that takes you.

What ifyourehappy said; and if he doesn't have enough respect for you to accept your wishes he still has quite a lot to learn. He doesn't think it's enough; well tough, you do (for the time being), and your views matter quite as much as his.

As for whether you owe it to your family to give it a go, well I would say yes you do. However you also owe it to them to take things carefully. If you get together too quickly, with stuff still unresolved, there's a bigger risk of another meltdown. It would be worse for them if he were to move back for a while and then to find things didn't work out after all. You need to be sure it's right first. Gradually spending more time with each other, getting used to the new ways of behaviour you've both learned, more healthy ways of relating to each other, is almost like dating a new person and it really doesn't pay to rush. I'd go so far as to say if you play it a little cool for now you stand a better chance of it working out in the longer term.

Let's hope he's sensible enough to understand this, as it can't be much fun living away from you all and he may fear the DCs will forget him or that you'll move on without him. Understandable, but there's a lot more to this than what he wants.

Thanks for that. Actually reflects how I feel.. the playing it cool approach for my sake and the DCs makes sense but he has such a strong personality that I have to be careful not to be persuaded otherwise. That was half the problem in our marriage.. I felt quite railroaded so def not the way to restart things. If he doesn't like the stronger person that I am in the process of becoming then maybe we're not going to work anyway....There is so much unresolved stuff that I could write a book on it. I can't see why he doesn't see things as I do as that the gradual thing will be much better in the long run.