Not like you would imagine....

[prairiefairy]

Here's my scenario (name changed), I would be really interested to know what some of you wise ladies make of it.

Married (second time) to a lovely lovely man. But....he's what I believe is called a 'high functioning alcoholic'. Now when you read that I bet you thought ugh drunk every night, doesnt come home until late, throws up, doesnt work etc but actually our life isnt like that at all. Professionally my husband is self employed, is very highly thought of by the companies he works with, earns excellent money and is bloody good at what he does. He's a great Dad to his almost grown up children, he supports them financially, is a listening ear and a really good influence on them in many ways. He never rises to even the most extreme nastiness from his ex-wife saying he just hopes she's happy. He does a lot of community and charity work and is really well thought of locally. As a husband he's wise, kind, funny, loyal and devoted. And I love him dearly. Our marriage is a very happy one, think we would both say that, and those who know us well would too.

The flip side: he is dependent on alcohol. He tried to stop altogether but failed. He now controls his drinking (I know he records every unit he consumes) but has wine and/or lager every day. He doesnt like spirits and will always choose the weakest lager on sale. He is ashamed of his addiction, but we kind of live our lives around it, and to be honest apart from worrying about his health (he gets blood tests done regularly) it doesnt impact that much on our day to day life. He isnt violent or agressive, we rarely argue, he rarely drinks enough to get properly drunk or even slurry,and I've probably only known him to be really really drunk once. Of course though, his tolerance to alcohol will be much higher than the average person.

But of course I worry. I worry that the drinking will increase (its been stable - but of course above safe limits - for a number of years), I worry that he will die young, and I worry because its considered a shameful illness to have. I cant see me issuing an ultimatum because other than this drinking, I dont think you could get a better husband tbh. So for us its something I choose to live with. Am I wrong? Deluded? Pragmatic? A fool? Would love to know what people think.

I suppose in this scenario, you could almost substitute drinking for smoking, in that it's medically damaging to his health but otherwise doesn't interfere with his life in any major way.

I imagine quitting drinking would require a similar amount of willpower and support as smokers who want to quit.

Does he want to quit? Would he go and see his GP?

He sounds like a lovely man - I'm so sorry he has this problem.

Can you say how much he drinks in a day? What time does he start? Are there any triggers which make him drink more? Does he ever hide the fact he's drinking?

How much does he drink ?

Does he want to stop?

He sees the GP regularly and is very open about his problem with him. He is just a lovely man, he has just come home with the most beautiful flowers for me. Its a bloody horrible illness to have.

In terms of when - never ever in the morning, during the week not until the end of the day, at weekends maybe one or two lagers after sport then again in the evening. Amounts: a bottle of wine plus maybe a lager or two(not strong lager, he only buys the weaker standard stuff) a day. More at weekends. As I said, no spirits.

Think he would love to be able to just have one or two, and he is deeply ashamed that he cant control it. In terms of stopping altogether I think he thinks he would fail again if that makes sense.

The smoking analogy is one I have thought about and a couple of friends have said they would rationalise it that way.

Thanks for your thoughts everyone, think its quite an unusual scenario.

PS think his mum has similar issues.

atswimtwolengths - he has years ago hidden it yes. I'm almost certain he doesnt nowadays. Thank you for seeing that he's lovely by the way, I was touched by that.

FWIW my drinking habits are very similar to his - regular strength beer and or wine, most evenings .
But I reckon I drink approx half what he does. Eg I might cycle home, have a bottle of beer, and then share a bottle of wine with Mrs stubborn
I prob drink 5 nights a week, aiming for three or four
Frankly I would enjoy drinking as much as him (!) But it is too expensive, not good for health, and I like to run or cycle early morning, and drinking more makes that hard.
(One idea Perhaps he could switch his exercise to mornings for same effect )

In all other respects I fall well short of your DH .