Alcoholic H and Bills not being paid - help!

[ABottleTooFar]

Please can anyone offer advice? I am a regular here but writing under a different name to protect identities.

My SIL (and yes this really is her and not me) is married to an alcoholic - she has suspected this for a while (finding bags full of cans hidden round the house etc). He admitted it last year and went to some AA meetings but they seem to have petered out.
He recently started a new job where he is in effect self-employed but since this time he hasn't shown SIL any accounts or any income from this job.
He has been paying for the business things from their joint (home) bank account and will not show her or her family any accounts or income or anything from this new job.
Now SIL keeps opening letters from the bank saying this Standing Order has been refused and now that Direct Debit has been refused due to lack of funds and they are up to their (substantial) overdraft limit.
She tackles him about it but he shrugs it off saying money is owed him from the Tax people and when that comes through he will be okay.
But the neighbours keep seeing him in the pub (on the fruit machines) - offering to buy drinks for everyone (happy drunk mode) - singing to the dukebox etc , in the day when he should be out driving for his job.
He drinks at any opportunity he is left alone. e.g. SIL goes to the corner shop and he has drunk two cans of beer in that time.
He has taken the birthday money and savings from his children and used it for who knows what.
From SIL and PIL talking to the children he has left them alone (individually) in the house when he should have been supervising them (they are between 7 and 11 yo).
He is not violent or verbally abusive but is very secretive. We know all drunks are liars and deceitful but he seems to be taking the biscuit.
SIL works hard but is not highly paid. She can't manage the family finances on her income alone.

We keep telling her to throw him out, that he is refusing to change (no AA meeting this year and drinking and lying all the time) and that their house is in danger of being repossessed if she keeps ignoring the money issues or letting him get away with spending their money and not showing any evidence of bringing any income into their account. But we think she is scared of the consequences.

Any advice from people who have been there and survived?

Don't know anything about alcoholism, but she needs to talk to the bank and get everything separated.
she needs to talk to all creditors and work out payment plans with them
it might take her a while to come round to the idea of leaving him, by which time they could have lost everything.

and driving for his job??
is he actually making any money? does she know for certain he actually has a job?

I've sort of been there. My father did this to my mum, and some of the behaviours were shockingly similar to those you have described. Your SIL needs to get out of this situation. That might mean issuing an ultimatum, which given that the H is not violent or abusive (as such) might be worth a shot, but if he's not receptive to that, she may have to leave him. Life with an alcoholic father is no picnic, those kids deserve better, as does your SIL.

What kind of housing situation is there? Whose name is the house in? If your SIL leaves her H, this is going to be crucial for her and the DCs stability.

Btw, my mum didn't do anything about my father's drinking until it was too late. He was abusive and our house was repossessed, then she decided to get rid of him. Your SIL must do something before it gets to that stage, she and the DCs deserve more than the life they are getting otherwise.

Try to get her to go to the CAB, they can give her a wealth of information about what will happen if/when she leaves her H and where she will be left financially. Go with her if you can, sometimes just hearing what they have to say can empower someone to make the decision to leave a bad marriage.

Get her to talk to Al anon.

Sounds like your SIL is enabling his drinking, in the sense that she is making excuses for him - waiting for that tax refund for example - and being avoidant of the dire financial situation.

She needs to get down to the bank pronto and
find out what's going on, she needs to take control.

Drinking and driving??! if he even has that job..sounds doubtful if he spends his days in the pub!

I highly recommend that she get in touch with Al-anon, for family members, she will find emotional support there for her situation (and a wake up call).

Wishing you and your SIL and kids all the best!

SIL is certainly enabling this man and it will do her and these children no favours at all. Her H is just dragging them all down with him. How much lower will they both fall?.

She needs to get away from him completely because this situation is doing her children no favours either. They living with an alcoholic Dad will not only affect them now but also brings them their own sets of problems as adults (such children often become super responsible for the alcoholic parent) and they could well go onto choose alcoholics as partners themselves.

SIL needs to get her head out of the sand now before her (and by turn her childrens) life with this man tailspins further out of control because of both him and her own denial. She may well be "afraid" of the consequences but that is nothing compared to what will happen to her when her home gets repossessed and her life further spins into decline because of him. She is desperately hoping against hope that it will all go away.

Al-anon is helpful to family members of alcoholics; she needs to contact them asap as well as the CAB, the mortgage company and all the creditors (before they start knocking at her door).

There is often an element of co-dependency within such relationships and I would suggest you give her a copy of "Codependent no more" written by Melody Davies.

Citizen's Advice Bureau.

Also talk to the bank about trying to stop him bleeding money. If it is a joint bank account he is playing with, she will be jointly responsible for any debt and overdraft he incurs, even without her knowledge.

She should open a bank account under her name only and have her salary, child benefit, etc. payed directly in it.

If her finances are not enough to support her and her children, she certainly can not afford to support HIM.

The fact that he is not violent does not excuse the wreckage he is causing. The longer she leaves it without taking control, the worst off she and her children will be.

At least she is lucky in having helpful friends, she needs them.

All the best.

Thank you all for the replies so far. I think she has been once or twice to Al-anon family - don't know why she's not still going.

Domeafavour and Aminator - Her H does have all the signs of the job:- the van, the stock etc and SIL has been out with him on 'runs'. It is just whether he is actually daily doing the job or not that is the question. Or whether he is visiting a couple of customers then retiring to the pub. And yes to us at probable drinking and driving ... we are scared whitless about that but hamstrung from all sides.

The house is theirs in joint name but still paying mortgage.

Attila - I will have to look up what you mean about codependency as I am not sure what it is. And yes we are so worried about the "tailspin" effect and her and the children out on the street. We are so afraid for her and want to help but feel powerless (and we don't live close by).

"Codependent no more" written by Melody Davies

Melodie Beattie

Thanks Attila, for mentioning that book!

Melody! Beattie ;-)

Which brings me to another brilliant book
which can be checked out on Amazon.

Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood :)

That book looks really interesting - I'll recommend it to her. Thanks.