How do I advise friend regarding her dp's 'internet affair'?

[marantha]

Am currently consoling a good friend regarding what she has found on her dp's e-mail inbox.
She has been suspicious about his online activities for a while and this morning decided to go through his inbox (yes, yes, she shouldn't have done it but too late now).
Anyway, her dp is conducting an online conversation with a 'mistress' where he is her 'slave'.

My mate is distraught. I don't know what to say to her, I am comforting her, but now she is asking whether or not she should leave him
I can't answer that and I've told her so.

I mean, is this infidelity? I'm trying to be rational about it and keep a cool head for her sake, but she regards this as a full-blown affair. Is she right or not? I honestly don't know.
Any comments would be appreciated.

Hi Marantha, I don't have the definitive answer, but I do know that I would be VERY unhappy with this behaviour.

emotional affair perhaps?

Assuming they haven't actually met, I couldn't call this a full-blown affair, but of course your friend is distressed and upset. Only she can know whether it's worth leaving him for it - has she spoken to him yet?

well, IMO , it's a sexual thrill with someone other than his wife, it's lying ,it's deceit, i imagine he's had to pay for the service at some level, so for me.. deal breaker. not just the sexual side of it, but lying. on an on going basis.

you cannot and should not tell her to leave, just be non committal but suportive , if she decides to make a go with him, she might turn on your for telling her to leave

Well, it depends on your friend's definition of an affair. From reading many threads on here, it is clear that some people would only consider it an affair when sex has taken place, others would consider it an affair at the stage it has reached now. For me, I would consider it a full blown affair, because it would have involved deception specifically about something which I consider to be a very intimate and important part of my marriage. Others would feel differently. But if it were me, at this stage, a very serious conversation would be in the offing. If I found out that there had been any physical contact, my marriage would be over. Again, I know others would have a different opinion, but I know myself well enough to know that although I could forgive, i would never be able to forget and that would mean I would find it impossible to continue in my marriage. I am explaining this to show that different people feel differently about what constitutes an affair and how to deal with it. That doesn't make my feelings right or wrong just as you are entitled to have your opinion about how you would deal with it. If your friend considers it to a a full affair, then, to her, it is and you need to be there to help her deal with it however she feels is appropriate.

Isn't it funny how some men want to be slaves, yet still can't do an iota of housework.

Thia is very difficult i had a very similar situation with my dh, fake face book account 'friends' with one specific girl for over a yr, long conversations into the night when i was in bed, a fake msn account, naked pictures being sent back and forth but this woth diffierent women, i was 39 weeks pg at the time and we had a very long conversation about it all and he said he was kind of likle a mid life crisis/ joke that started out with mates. anyway i decided to stay i love my dh so much but DD is 14 weeks and i am finding it VERY hard, i think about it all the time, it has realy got me depressed about myself and how he must see me and whenever he goes out i think he is with someone else because if he can do it on the internet then perhaps he can do it in person.
I would be very non commital with your friend and just be there for her the best you can because after all thats what she needs right now.

and if anyone has any advise for me on how to get over this then it would be very welcome because it is getting me down so much.

Sorry to hear of your situation, ray81, I suppose there is always the fear now that if your dh can cheat via the internet he will do it in person.
This is the corrosive effect of cheating(which it was in your eyes because you're not 'shrugging it off') it colours and damages the rest of the relationship.
Having been cheated on in a 'concrete' way myself i.e. actual physical infidelity, I know too well the feelings of sadness and anger that accompanies it.

I guess I can only offer friend support while she makes up her mind. It's all I can do.

Hmm. That the online activity she has found shows her H roleplaying 'slave' to a 'mistress' suggests that he's into BDSM but doesn't feel able to discuss this with your friend. He may feel that having a kind of online roleplay relationship like this is a way of meeting his needs that is not (in his opinion) cheating as he is not going to meet this woman - who may FWIW not be a woman at all. 'She' may be a bloke with BDSM fantasies, or if there is payment going on 'she' may be several people earning money by working for a 'sex chat' service.

For some couples, where one partner is into BDSM and the other isn't interested, because a lot of BDSM doesn't involve genital contact or even orgasm, the uninterested partner is able to accept the other partner having a bit of fun in this arena under certain pre-agreed conditions (no lies, no sexual contact, whatever).
I would say she needs to talk to her H and tell him what she found - after all, us internet sprites don't know what's really going on. But if she is going to start from the position that BDSM is evil and disgusting and he must NEVER DO IT AGAIN then the relationship is probably doomed as the two of them are basically incompatible.

She should spank him firmly, tell him she is in charge now and if she catches him doing that again, he'll be licking her gussets for six months.

Seriously, for me, it's the betrayal actually. In all likelihood he's actually corresponding with a hairy trucker called Dave from Nottingham, but he doesn't know that which makes it wrong.

I agree with SGB, if this is something he's into, she needs to address it, but she should just tell him what she's found and ask him to explain it. Starting a dialogue is the only way forward.

The internet is awful for this sort of thing. I have been posting about my own problems with dh.

I think yes it depends what is unacceptable to her.
My hubby had online flirty chat and i found out was distraught and confronted him. He was upset and said he would not do this again. He did it again and i said if i ever found this out again i would leave him 100%. I told him porn was fine with me but interaction was not. I said i was not a prude and understand looking at porn but it was the contact i couldnt bare.

My recent post i downloaded a key logger. It had been on my mind that i would never know if he had stuck to our agreement and i did not want to live turning a blind eye. It was not a decision i took lightly and i know a lot of people dont agree with it. But it has given me peice of mind that he has stuck with this and has made me confident that the internet activity is simply fantasy and not real.

Does your friend have anymore 'evidence' of his activites? Could she make an acount on this site and make friends with him as such to dig a bit deeper before confronting him?