How on earth are we going to have kids when we can't own a Pet together........?

[CatButler]

DP and myself are finally starting to talk about whether to have children or not after 10 years together (reason I joined here to have a look what parenthood is really like)

Anyway, I'm rambling - last night I was talking to him about something the cat had done and yet again he got onto what I call his 'choice' wagon.

Basically, last year I went out and picked a rescue cat to come live with us as it had always been my dream to have a cat and after 9 nine years of asking him and getting no answer I went ahead and chose one.

Sooo, the cat has been happily living with us for 15mths and we both love him to bits.

DP will happily play with him, groom him, feed him etc. but when it comes to doing anything that doesn't suit him (DP that is) such as vet trips, cleaning up dead animals, vomit etc he then conveniently likes to lecture me on how he never chose to have a cat, he's my responsibility and DP will never be a pet owner.

I've had this lecture several times before and just shrugged it off really since he clearly loves having the cat around.

Trouble is I keep coming back to thinking he's going to be like this if we have children as well.

Anything awkward or inconvenient to him and he/she will probably turn into 'my child' that he never asked to have......

I should add that when DP has to make any kind of decision he will hum and haw and not know or give an answer or opionion until it either goes away or I/circumstances make it for him.

Grrrr...very convenient to say you never made a choice when you never had the intention of making one in the first place.

So sorry this is so long - not the most important of topics I know but all comments apprecitated :)

It is actaully a very important topic OP!

Firstly what's his repsonse to the children issue at the moment? Does he want any?

If he doesn't then yes he will probably do as you fear.

If he does, well, I guess you would have to orchestrate things so that it is him asking you to have kids and not the other way round.

The thing about kids (at least when they are babies) is that it is x1000 times more stressful and knackering and fraught than you think it is going to be, so any problems of the type you are envisaging would be very signicant issues indeed.

how old are you?

Thanks for the quick reply msboogie.

Firstly, I'm 37 so am really running out of time to make the decision to have children.

DP says he doesn't want kids - when I asked him if he meant not with me or ever he said well, not for a long time since he still feels he's 19 in his mind (don't we all :) )

Eventually as we talked about it a bit more he seemed more interested and just said 'so long as it's not rusty' - (he means red hair of course and was def. joking)

Won't give me a straight answer on the subject though and won't discuss it in any detail.......

Give him a time-line. 2 months or something to say 'Yes' or 'No'.
But then he may say 'No' and you need to know what you would do then.

Or would it be be more acceptable for you to have a baby and risk going through these arguments/splitting up later?

Mmmh....timeline....good idea, might try that

I def. don't want to go through 'well I never wanted children' arguments after the event.

Sigh, so easy for him - he could still have a child in his 60s and beyond.......gaaaa, not fair!

Agree with SweetGrapes - you don't have much time left. If he doesn't want children now, you need to consider your options. I was in a similar position to you. I got a cat, and OH always insisted it was mine, as he'd never wanted one (which was true, I guess!), so I did all the cleaning up.

I'd always said I'd never want children, but changed my mind, and gave OH an ultimatum - I was about the same age as you. He said he supposed we'd try the children route as he didn't want to split up - and he's been brilliant with DC, against all my expectations! Does far more than his share if truth were told - but still avoids the cat litter tray . That was more than 10 years ago, and we're still together.

It's always a risk that you'll have children and your OH won't pull his weight. But would you rather that than not have children?

....sorry, all got a bit hectic yesterday and couldn't come back to MN. Cretaceous, thank you for your post - my situation mirrors yours almost exactly.

I know it's silly to think DP won't be a good father because he won't clear up after the cat - i'm just one of those people who overthinks everything and tries to 'predict' the future........ :)

cat

I am wondering what you are getting out of this relationship now as you seem far more mature than he is.

I am also wondering if this relationship is actually going anywhere or whether you are just drifting along together out of habit. You've been together ten years now after all and this is where you're at; you have a cat after 9 years of him previously saying no. What else does he or has said no to apart from children?. From here at least it does not look great at all for you particularly if you want to be a mother. The fact as well he will not give you a straight answer on the matter speaks volumes.

If he has previously stated outright to you he does not want children then I cannot see that he will change his mind. You need to take heed. What he may well mean here is that he does not want to have children with YOU.

I do hope he was joking re the rusty comment as he sounds like a right plank by saying such things.

He is actually stopping you from being with someone else, someone else who would actually want children by you.

I would have a long and cold hard look at your relationship now. Are you engaged to him, what has he said about marriage or has he said no/shied away from any discussion about that as well?.

Would you want to bring a child into this relationship anyway?. He'd be even worse with a child around him, he cannot bring himself to do anything with regards to that animal that does not "suit" him. So it suits you instead, it does in his mind and you go along with his wishes. He is absolving himself of responsibility here and that is a serious problem.

Can't believe your post Attila - have you been secretly living in our loft these past few years? :) :)

This is one of the decisions I have to make. whether to bring a child into this relationship at all.

He doesn't and won't ever voluntarily discuss anything like marriage, children etc.

His parents went through a bad divorce so he just says he's not putting himself through that and won't ever get married.

I personally am not fussed about marriage but would at least like to have the opportunity to discuss having children.

As it is it feels like another thing that I have to make a decision on by myself since I'm the one with the ticking clock.

Don't want to look back when it's too late and think 'if only I'd grown a spine I could have had children'

I'm just terrified that it's far too late for me now to start all over again with a new relationship etc.........

Sorry, ranting now - floodgates have opened :) :)

Hi cat,

No, I have not been living in your loft space these past few years but have known of several women in similar situations to yours and without exception they have gone onto form new relationships.

He may well not want to repeat his parents bad divorce but what he actually has now is not ideal either. He seems stuck emotionally probably around the time his parents divorced.

He does not want to make any life changing decisions re your relationship and seems quite happy to bumble/muddle along as he is. It may remain for him ever the case. He wants you to sort out any "uncomfortable" stuff and thus carry that can for him but you're not responsible for him ultimately. If he cannot bring himself to make a trip to the vet if the cat is sick what is that really telling you about him?.

At 37 its not too late to start a new relationship, its never too bloody late actually!. Better to be alone than to be badly accompanied.

I would consider looking into some form of relationship counselling for your own self (Relate could be helpful).

That all rings so true......especially the emotionally stuck bit. Swear he confuses me with his mother in arguments as well.

"I would consider looking into some form of relationship counselling for your own self (Relate could be helpful)"

Didn't know Relate offered counselling for just one half of the affected couple. I've had private counselling to work through old childhood stuff but no relationship specific.

I'll have a look into that, thanks :)

If he says he doesn't want children, or he simply won't discuss having children, then he obviously does not want to be having children.

That's your answer really, you cant make someone become a parent if they don't want to be. Your descision now needs to be what is most important to you. The chance of having children with someone else, or a relationship with this man?

You see, I can see his point of view, particularly in view of his parents' divorce. He's happy as things are. You have a good relationship (I assume, for you to be wanting children with him). He doesn't want to get married, and doesn't have a biological clock. If you didn't want children, there'd be no problem at all.

Like curlymama says, you just need to decide what you want. Is it children, so you'd be happy to split up? Or would you be happy not having children, bearing in mind that you could still split up in a few years, and he could go on to have children with a younger woman? Tell him what you want. Listen to what he says. Then either split up or try for children immediately. If he's not willing to try for children immediately, after your ultimatum, then you know he doesn't want them (with you or at all).

I agree. Listen to what he's saying! He doesn't want children and, if you did have them, he sounds like he'd be rubbish at doing any of the jobs associated with it.

I'm always amazed that people stay with partners who just seem (to be frank) crap! Why would you do that? You must know that if you have a child, your relationship will end? You simply won't want to put up with his immature behaviour any more.

Leave as soon as you can and do your best to find someone who's in the same position as you. If only you knew how young 37 really is! There are some lovely men out there and you are living with someone who is not one of them!

I know - you're right as well Cretaceous and atswimtwolenghts.

Right, this is going to sound really really pathetic but I'm not writing this because I feel sorry for myself or any such crap.

Basically, I stay with DP because without him there is only me. No family to turn to (long complicated history, real parents psychos, couple of sets of foster parents who I've never been close to)

No friends either - think people find me a bit strange in person (well, I am german :) )

In all seriousness though, whenever I get all strong and think 'enough of this crap' I think about sitting alone with just the cat to talk to and think, what's the sense in that, at least this way I have someone there.

Totally sad I know, but true. Feels good to get that out so thanks for reading if you are.

If anyone has any experience/been in a similar situation please let me know.

I don't have any experience of your situation - I was lucky enough to meet DH when we were still young enough to have time to fart around and leave the marriage and children thing on the back burner for a while.

But I do have experience of having children, as I have two. DH and I had a very solid relation and had been through some really rough times (bereavement, infertility etc.). Even so, having small children has put a big strain on our marriage. Pregnancy has been quite difficult for me, our newborns have barely slept and have breastfed all the time, and sleep has been an issue even as they get older. Being sleep deprived does a real number on your patience and empathy, and the trouble is that both of you are going through it at the same time, so there is no shoulder to cry on. We still play the "who is the most exhausted?" game, which is the most common arguement for parents of small children, and ours are toddlers now. Also, I now stay at home and DH goes out to work, and it can be very difficult for us to empathise with each others' stresses, now that they are so different.

I don't want to paint a completely bleak picture, as children grow up and get easier (until they are teenagers, I'm told :)), and we both love our DDs to bits - no regrets at all, now matter how often we play the "how many fancy holidays could with have bought with the thousands we spent on fertility treatment?" I just think that it's better to go in with your eyes open. A very wise MNetter said that she thought that it should be illegal to split up within a year of having a baby. Not because of any "for the sake of the children" stuff, just because even good relationships can be hit really hard by the realities of a baby.

Good luck, whatever you decide. :)

We had a strong relationsship.

Or even relationship.

Lol - hadn't seen that MrsTittleMouse :)

You're not painting a bleak picture - that's how I imagine the reality of having babies looks like especially when they are tiny.

Appreciate the glimpse into your life btw :)