any tips to stop people (wrongly) judging me...

[happiestblonde]

hello

please don't attack me. This is a bit of a non-problem but I would quite like advice or thoughts...

My DP has just had his decree absolute from an XW he hadn't been happy with for many years, the marriage was a sham anyway (his words not mine) and he married her VERY young. We live together and the relationship couldn't be better - he is wonderful, treats me amazingly etc and I try to do the same for him.

The only issue is that his XW was quite a bit older than him and I am the same again younger than him, which puts over 20 years between us. She works at the same place as he does only in a different department and incidentally I met him through there - he was my tutor at university but we did not get together until after I finished. Anyway... I was only really OW for a week before he formally ended what had already really ended years ago and she has now moved on fairly happily too. The thing is, he is with me despite my age not because of it - he has never been into younger women - and I really was, if anything, a catalyst not a cause for the final ending of the marriage.

Quite often I see a certain look cross people's faces (especially ladies past a certain age) when they see me and knew her - how can I stop people to think I am a husband-stealing-homewrecker or just a bit of skirt? It isn't like that and I know I shouldn't care - none of either of our friends think that, I get on with his friends and family fantastically and they have never seen him happier - but it's still frustrating when acquaintances get the wrong impression.

You can't.

You should let it go

There is absolutely nothing you can do - you say you know you shouldn't care - and you are right

Some people will judge you whatever you do. My DH divorced his first wife too - "for me" I suppose - and I used to get looks and comments from some. And we didn't even have the issue you've got of being younger than his ex.

How long have you been together? We have just had our 8th anniversary and I find it matters less and less as time goes on.

Oh dear, it is awful when people give you 'that look' :( I don't think there's a lot you can do about it really. I had a similar problem when I got together with DH- I was a very young and broke and he was newly divorced with a good job and 12 years older than me. We did get a few comments but the people who mattered to us could see it was genuine. You just have to let the idiotic comments and looks wash over you.

It's good that you get on with his family and friends, concentrate on their approval rather than looks from acquaintances.

"ladies past a certain age"

I don't think there is an instant solution really. You will just have to show through upholding a good marriage over time that you both have a genuine responsible loving relationship IYSWIM. I don't mean this nastily but how can people judge it differently really and even when you explain it here and I am quite willing to believe what you say, it comes across as defensive.

With a 20 year age gap and him being married when you met, I can't help feeling it will be tough to get people to see it your way if they only know you superficially.

I suppose you mean specifically colleagues of his at the university where both he and his ex work? If that is the case, it will come with time that they may see you/the relationship differently. They have to get used to it

Thanks for the advice.

I thought 'ladies past a certain age' was a polite way of putting it!

His friends are amazing, family is wonderful and my father loves him - all pretty brilliant - i just hate 'the look'. argh.

doggie - not so long, 1-2 years but we live together and all; unless something goes horribly wrong i intend to spend my life with him. Good work with 8 years :)

zzz - i'm defensive because people on here tend to side with the first wife i guess. i think what is important is he is very happy now and wasn't for a long time then plus she has moved on and it's all been very amicable. Needless to say, we are yet to meet...

"We did get a few comments but the people who mattered to us could see it was genuine"

hear hear sweetnita - I had the same experience.

Good luck with it OP.

Well, I am a "lady of a certain age" and tbh, I wouldn't give a shit that you were younger

Of course, we only have your word for it that you are not the one with the gimlet eyes, shooting "the look" out to all and sundry

defensiveness and insecurity are not attractive character traits, particularly in the young , so I might be more likely to judge you for that

you don't have to explain yourself to anyone, btw

Thanks :)

you are most welcome

I think it sounds like you might be feeling insecure or paranoid. You shouldn't care what other people say or appear to think as long as you haven't broken the law.