Reasonable consequences for failing to turn up

[OptimistS]

I've posted this here instead of in lone parents largely because I hope it will get a wider audience.

Potted history: XP and I split three and a half years ago. He was abusive, but after a dramatic split, during which I took control and made it clear I would stand no more abusive behaviour, we have come to a very amicable relationship, where we can chat and have a laugh over coffee once the kids are put to bed etc. There hasn't been a single problem in the last three years. He is somewhat lacking in the father department, as despite my saying he can see the kids as often as he likes, he has never chosen to go for more than one afternoon a week. He never has them overnight or takes them out for the day. However, when he's here he makes them feel loved and wanted, which is all I require (and expect) from him. He doesn't pay any maintenance, and being alternately unemployed or self-employed, there's little point in me involving the CSA and I can manage on my own earnings. Anyway, he's never missed his Sunday afternoons before and despite being late a few times he seems really committed (in as much as anyone like him ? who isn't actually that reliable or committed in any area of his life - can be).

Anyway, this week, he didn't turn up. Tried calling and texting. No response. SInce then, he's visited a mutual friend and told her that "I thought I deserved a weekend off".

Now I'm not going to throw a hissy fit and stop contact over one missed visit. Nor am I going to descend to his level and start playing games where I fail to be in or whatever. However, it is unacceptable. I am going to say to him that my main concern is the disappointment experienced by the kids and the fact that failing to turn up, with no forewarning or explanation since, is unacceptable except in emergency situations as it is deeply disrespectful to the kids and myself and plain downright rude. However, what consequences can I make for further breaches that do not involve either stopping contact or playing games that hurt no one but the kids? Obviously if this becomes a regular occurrence, it changes things, but I have to deal with it as a one-off at the moment as that's all it has been.

Any ideas? TIA.

right now i think i would just say that if he isn't coming then you have to be informed so that you can let the children know, and make other arrangements. and that you'd appreciate being able to get hold of him, just in case

i would leave it at that if it's all amicable and in general he is pretty good at doing what he says he will do

i would then wait and see what happens. up it a gear if he does it again

I'd feed back that you'd heard he felt he needed a weekend off and think that's a sad wayto view his kids and that if he doesn't want to see them regularly you'd rather it be discused and he can tell his children he wishes to see less of them and they won't be waiting for him to turn up.

I wouldn't let him say that to the kids, as i think that's unnecessarily cruel on them, but I do think if he doesn't want to see them as much he should be saying that and not just not turning up, and saying that may make him realise they are the ones affected by this.
I love extra weekends with my kids and find it sad some parents feel like this about their children.
I miss my kids loads in the summer when they go away for 2-3 weeks with their dad.
It's a shame he's such a useless dad, both on the providing and time fronts.

Thanks both. I think I will go with something that combines both your approaches. I don't want to over-react at this point, but I know from past experience that what works best with him, because of his abusive history, is me saying I find xxx unacceptable for a,b,c, reasons. I will not put up with it. This... is what will happen if you do it again. Now I will say no more about it unless you do it again and force my hand.

I'll just say my piece calmly and reasonably and see what happens from then on I think. Thanks.