Relationship with parents

[goingnotavoting]

I have always found that in my relationship with my parents that i tend to comply with their requests out of guilt, so that i don't have to worry whether i have upset them.

Will this ever change - can i change how i respond to them?

They are coming for a visit tomorrow, we normally see them every 2 weeks, bank holidays, birthdays, Christmas, etc.

Tomorrow i am going to tell my mother something she doesn't want to hear (nothing life changing)and stick my ground. I have managed this occasionally but have days of worry over how much i have hurt them, upset them, mum's tears, etc.

How do i learn to put my family and my need first, without all the worry and stress that daring to challenge what they want involves.

Any ideas will be most welcome.

To me seeing your parents weekly as an adult with your own kids seems alot, but then I moved away from mine.
If I lived nearer now I'd probably pop in on my dad that often now he's widowed, but if he were with my mum I doubt I'd see them that often.
I'm quite good at saying no to people though and am in a job where I have to be assertive.
I also believe in the cognitive therapy approach to feelings ie that we are responsible for our own emotional response to events. This means 2 people can experience the same event eg a boyfriend splitting up with them, someone not wanting to come round for dinner, but will interprete that event in different ways according to the way they think.
This tends to mean that I don't feel guilty for "upsetting people" because to an extent I think we choose ourselves whether to be upset or not to be upset by an event.
Different if I'm being unpleasant to someone, but if I'm just not wanting to go out on a particular evening or have someone to stay for a weekend when I want to do something else I don't feel guilty if they get upset as I see that as them over reacting or choosing to get upset when they could also choose to accept I have other things to do.
Your mum can get upset if she wants to. This is her choice though and if you feel you are behaving reasonably I'd stop feeling guilty and maybe feel angry at her trying to emotionally manipulate you instead.
I don't think adults should be forever crying unless they have an acute depressive illness.
Some people learn that it gets them what they want and don't grow out of it though.

This sounds so familiar that for a moment I thought you were my sister!

The only way we have ever managed to deal with our similar-sounding guilt-ridden relationship with our parents (mainly mother)is to every so often have a full and frank discussion with them, being completely honest about how we feel. I often get tongue tied and forget what I'm trying to say, or the point I'm trying to make suddenly sounds trivial, but the main thing is that both my sister and I have DHs who are always supportive and reassure us that we're doing the right thing. You need to be brave - there is no easy way to do this without feeling or sounding selfish, but as long as you keep reminding yourself that what you're doing is for the good of your own family, in years to come you hopefully won't have the same problem with your own children.

HTH

Should have said seeing your parents 2 weekly.

can't add anything to 2rebecca's excellent reply except to agree that an expectation that it is every 2 weeks seems a lot

Thank you.

Unfortunately it just makes me feel so damm guilty all the time. My dh is fab, but gets cross (not when their here) that i am constantly worrying over things.

ie. yesterday i took my ds to the beach where i went as a child. I had talked to my mother on the phone on Friday, she had said she would check the weather and then pick a good day to visit. No phone call by Sunday night. I worried over going to the beach on Monday without them, but went and had a really great time

Had a phonecall Monday night to arrange visit for Wednesday, i couldn't bring myself to tell them that i went to the beach because it might upset them that i went without them.

I seem to suffer with guilt feelings everytime i talk to them. It is getting bloody ridiculous. It doesn't help that my brother and his family moved across the world to get away from them, without saying goodbye - so i now feel a lot of pressure to be the 'good' and accomodating child who lets them do what they want when they want.

I shall breathe now.....and go shopping. Thank you for your replies.

It sounds as though you need to see a psychologist for cognitive therapy to be honest.
You do sound as though you worry about daft things and that not upsetting your parents has become overly important to you.
If your anxiety is starting to affect your marriage then I would really consider getting some help.
This isn't really about your parents, it's about you developping some confidence in your ability to make decisions without them and to live your own life.
Adult children aren't good and accommodating. They respond to their parents as equals who think their point of view is as valid as that of their parents, and aren't afraid to disagree with their parents.