How many couples are happy?

[Beethoven]

This thread will seem really cynical. This section of mumsnet is skewed because most people who post questions in here aren't happy with their marriages/long-term relationships.

I saw a film recently where the premise was that a man was employed to break up couples, but only if the woman was unknowingly unhappy. He argued there are three types of couples.

1)Those that are knowingly happy
2)Those that are knowingly unhappy - in the film it's their choice to split
3)Those that are unknowingly unhappy

It's got me thinking, out of the people in RL, how many couples do you know where you'd say they were knowingly happy, how many are knowingly unhappy, and then the biggy, how many are unknowingly unhappy?

My estimate would be about 50% are knowingly happy, and 25% knowingly unhappy and 25% unknowingly unhappy.

PS, I know this isn't a scientific survey, I'd just be interested in your general thoughts.

Maybe this is just me, maybe it's odd, but I go from some days of being 'knowingly happy' with my H - totally loved up, sending sweet text messages to him, planning meal that he'll love, planning next night out together, all great

to days of being 'knowingly unhappy' when I find fault in everything he does, plan a meal for the evening that I know he's not keen on (petty I know), plan to be 'busy' that evening with a bit of work that needs doing etc.

So don't know where this would fit in the above?!

What are the signs of 'unknowingly unhappy' - how would you spot that sort of couple?

For the unknowingly unhappy, I'm not sure. It seems from reading Mumsnet, there are a lot of women who put up with things that they think are normal, and it might take them years to go from unknowingly unhappy to knowingly unhappy

I don't know many couples. I know two which are knowingly happy imo. I think my parents are knowingly unhappy mixed with knowingly happy.

Me and DP are knowingly unhappy at the moment. I hope to go back to happy again at some point but whichever it is I would rather be knowing about it!

I can't think of anyone else unhappy, or unhappy without knowing it, at least.

I don't think you can look at another couple and make a judgement on their relationship. Or that both people will be at the same point at that time. One will be happy, the other might not be. It also depends on what they are prepared to accept, and what is their definition of happiness.

Only those two people can call that. H and I are knowingly happy to the outside world, because a) we are very good at faking it and b) people look at us and think we are.

The truth is we are miserable.

So nothing conclusive or helpful from me then Beethoven!

I am happy, my parents are happy and I believe that most of the rest of my family and friends are.

That is not to say that there aren't days when DH and I drive each other up the wall though! We are having a tough patch at the moment just in terms of what is on our plate - new job with longer hours for him, I'm pregnant and therefore sick and exhausted, but also waiting for a scan for possible miscarriage. It is sometimes hard not to take out some anger and frustration on each other, but we are happy in spite of all that.

Flight - hope everything is ok?

very happy thanks

but agree with Sandsad that onlythe two people involved know thetruth of it. You can't tell by viewing a relationship from the outside.
I have friends who are happy but argue endlessly. If we were like that I would leave. But they are happy

Shouldn't all couples go through all of the stages and then full circle again? If knowingly happy comes out on top mostly, then that's okay?

Happy at the mo; just come from unknowingly unhappy (fixed) and I'm sure knowingly uphappy may come along again at some point.

Sorry, I'm a bit confused now.

im knowingly happy atm but i have days where im knowingly unhappy atm aswell if that makes sense?

I'm happy, my DP is perfect (for me atleast) but MN does scare me because so many people seem to be unhappy or having affairs.

I generally happy
Theres things that make me unhappy, sometimes I accept them, sometimes I don't. I'm happy more than I am unhappy but am probably much more verbal about the unhappy parts

Knowingly happy and very lucky. [smug emoticon]

Very knowingly happy now, have a wonderful DP and DC's.

I did spend 9 years with exH and was unknowingly unhappy for most of this time - something I only realise with hindsight - when I became knowingly unhappy I left him.

He taught me a lot about what I won't accept so I am oddly grateful to the lying selfish fucker but a bit that it took me so long to figure this out!

When I look around friends I see a lot of knowingly unhappy people, people who go throu each day hoping that the next day is better thou it rarely is.
I am very much knowingly happy which amazes me most hours, I'm thinking that for me it's about contrast and appreciating things that I was guilty of taking for granted before.
Anyone who knows me on MN will know that the last three years have been very sad difficult and life changing, I personally don't think I could make do with less than happy.

Knowingly happy here...together 7 years, and it still feels like we're dating. We do fight occasionally, slam doors and storming around, but always talk and always resolve in the end.

I do know a few that are probably not as happy as they could be...one couple I know married young...she wanted security and children, he didn't want to be alone. They've been married for 20 plus years, and though they are still together, I am pretty certain they aren't madly in love (if they ever were). A bit sad really...

I prefer the "icepick in the back of the head" method of execution myself LeQ - I save that little fantasy for when he's laughing because I've gone hormental as he calls it and put my car keys in the fridge or microwaved nothing but air - being peri-menopausal is such fun .

Happiness comes from within, you can't expect another person to be responsible for your happiness, however you should expect them not to make you unhappy.

I'm knowingly happy, and I know a couple of couples who are. But a really horribly big number of our friends are knowingly unhappy ... it's not just on MN! It's a bloody shame though.

OP your estimate of 50% knowingly happy is optimistic I think.

Nice post LeQueen only 1 year married here (late starter...) so I hope in 18 years time I feel like you do, I rather suspect I will.

See - here's another thing - how many people actually like the person they married. I know lots of women who freaked out when their husbands retired because 'he'll be around all the time'... I blummen love it when DH is around all the time... I chose him after all!

I realised recently that I had been unknowingly happy when I thought I was knowingly unhappy! Work that one out!

I look at my DH and wonder how I managed to pull someone quite so fantastic, particularly as I'd only got rid of the ex about 3 weeks before we got together. I have never been happier than I am with him and never imagined that married life was going to be this good. Reasonably certain he thinks the same about me...! So, that puts us in the "knowingly happy" category.

I would say, for me at least (can't speak for DP) I am knowingly happy. I think we're both knowingly happy about our relationship, though I know that he's miserable about a lot of other stuff, but I think that's also his personality. We did have a horrific time earlier this year and were very close to breaking up, which, despite the horrificness of it all, was a good thing as it made us realise how devoted we are to each other.

Interesting what some of you have said about fighting. I read this article about couples who were interviewed over a period of time. The couples who fought a lot, who looked like they were about to break up all the time, actually did better in the long run, as they learnt to talk shout about their differences and deal with conflicts, whereas for a lot of those who didn't fight, many of them broke up (because they never learnt to deal with conflict). With my ex, we never fought, ever. It was extremely bizarre, and ex's mother thought so as well - as she and her DH fought pretty much constantly. But, thinking on it now, we didn't fight because we were so afraid of breaking up - it was a rather insecure relationship in a way. So now, when DP and I annoy each other and we scrap, it actually makes me relieved, as we're learning to resolve conflicts

The question is bogus - the reason you are knowingly happy or unhappy is simply due to the fact you are focussing on what is making you happy or unhappy.

There are a lot of people who would be miserable regardless of who they were with - they are focussing on what makes them miserable in life and funnily enough they are miserable.

This is the reason those in relative poverty - i.e. living out of a cardboard box and having to wash their clothes in dirty water and work all day just to feed their kids rice - can be happy - they focus on what they can enjoy in life.

If you are with your husband or partner and all you can think about it what they haven't done then you are going to be pretty unhappy.

You make your own happiness - if you think your unhappy because of your partner then you are kidding yourself - you are unhappy because you are unhappy - perhaps you picked your partner because they allowed you to continue being unhappy.

AND IF YOU PARTNER IS BEATING/RAPING/ABUSING YOU THEN LEAVE HIM/HER - DON'T BLAME HIM/HER FOR MAKING YOU UNHAPPY - YOU ARE MAKING THE CHOICE TO STAY WITH HIM/HER, LIKE BANGING YOUR HEAD AGAINST A WALL AND COMPLAINING ABOUT THE PAIN!!

I am happy/unhappy in exactly the same way I was prior to meeting my husband - mostly happy

LeQueen - I am envious of the long term lust! My relationship is not perfect (a bit more of the above would be amazing) but I am happy. I am astonished by the behaviour of some people in relationships. They just seem to moan about their partners the whole time, or put them down, or try to control them. I just could not put up with any of that for half a day, let alone a lifetime. Think it all comes down to respect, without respect for each other the relationship will be in trouble.