How do you deal with a queen bee?

[poshsinglemum]

I know that by the time we leave high school we leave all those ''popular'' girls behind but I have come across many queen bees in later life.
One of them is an old aquaintance of mine and we now find ourselves mums. She likes to be in control of everything. She can be really lovely; or a complete bitch. I invited her for my birthday meal before I realised what she was up to and the next day I felt that i'd been mauled by a pit bull as she basically spent the whole evening laying into me.
Conversley when my mum was sick she phoned me up to see how I was and was really nice.
I don't think I can be her friend after the way she treated me on my birthday. I'll probably bump into het at baby groups but I will have to stay distant.
What I find most annoying is that she gossips behind my back. That much I know.
Do you know anyone like this and do you steer well clear?
I suppose at this age most of us know what they are up to and avoid.

I ignore the Queen Bea that I know, she's a serial blanker and then your best friend. I put her at the bottom of the pile when it comes to who I seek to speak to.

Steer well clear.

Someone who lays into you at Birthday meal is not your friend. I wouldn't waste my time on her. She's sounds horrible.

I agree that ignoring is best. It's the most annoying thing you can do to someone who's desperate to be the centre of attention and it costs you nothing

i avoid being around anyone who makes me feel 'mauled'.

Altho i usually think people who are like this are really insecure them selves and find it hard to be 'friends' with anyone.

Could you have a word with her? Ask if there is any particular reason she feels the need to 'advise' you because you feel you are doing just fine and you wondered is there anything you can help her with. Usually gets the message across.

If you can't have a word, avoid her.

I am polite but noncommital.
No facebooking, blocked email addresses.
I decided life was way too short to have people so confusing in my life.
And it is confusing to be spoken to/socialised with one moment and then bitched about/ignored the next.

I agree with the "they must be really insecure" train of thought.

IME there is some area of their own life that is severely lacking and rather than deal with that they choose another person to make 'a project' of. I became a Queen Bee's 'project' once, almost without realising. She had her views on my clothes, make-up, health, relationship, parenting and made no secret of that fact. I fell for it.

My watershed came out of the blue - one morning she berated me for my choice of supermarket in front of all the other school mums (of course, I should use Her supermarket). For some reason this really struck home (yeah, say what you like about my hairdo but just don't mess with my food!)and I made a decision to back away. I had to keep reminding myself to do this, it's very easy to drift back into it, but I did eventually cut off all contact. And it was a relief not to have this voice in the background second-guessing me all the time and admonishing me to 'keep up'. The benefits far outweighed the occasional 'help' she was able to give.

I was in my late 30s when this happened and quite puzzled as to how I had ended up in this situation. I do believe she was trying to compensate for her unhappiness in her marriage - it was a huge disappointment to her that her husband had evolved into Mr Average Income and she felt she deserved more - although she always presented them as Perfect Family. They are now divorced. My relationship is fine after 27 years. My kids thrive. Hairdo and make-up are ok but I could do with a miracle cream. The kids are growing so my food can't be all that bad.

There is a woman like this I work with and to begin with I did not realise - but although she sought me out and was nominaly nice to me, I realised that I was always depressed after seeing her - she brought me down.
Now I have minimal, friendly polite contact if we meet through work but always have reasons prepared if she sugggests we meet up etc.

springlamb- that sounds familiar. Not with this women but with other women I have been friends with.
They all seem to have very definate opinions on how things should be done. It creeps up as they are charismatic.

Yes MrsGuy if you choose not to go the confrontation/bigargument/ignoring route you must have an exit strategy prepared and you must not forget your plan is to gently extricate yourself.
I decided to arrive at school with about 30 seconds to spare, drop dd and run. Also constantly reminded myself never to agree to any meeting straight out - always say 'not sure, have to let you know' to give myself time to reflect and remember. Kept dc busy elsewhere to avoid playdates. Kept myself busy elsewhere (making friends with new more laid-back non-judgemental people). It took some weeks but eventually QB and I were no longer friends but acquaintances.
QB's sister lives nearby and if she passes in the car whilst visiting her sister and I happen to be outside, I give a casual wave and get indoors quick!
Yes posh it does creep up on you. I always thought I was a control freak so to find myself in this situation was quite a revelation.

I know one. She blows hot and cold and is sometimes the rudest person I think I've ever spoken to. One day you may be blanked the next she's perfectly ok.

A couple of occasions lately have upset me such a lot, that now that's it for me. I have mentally amputated her from my circle of friends and downgraded her to 'aquaintance'.

We will always inevitably bump into one another and I'll be polite but no way will I hang about for chats or subject myself to any more.

Curiously many people seem to like her. For the life of me I cannot understand how they aren't offended. She specialises in the rudest sarcasm that often isn't even remotely funny. Maybe they are intimidated, I don't know...

I think it does boil down to a big dose of insecurity, but I'm sick of coming up with lists of excuses to myself. I think I have a good and extremely resilliant sense of humour and can take a lot of banter but she's overstepped the mark with me a coupple of times to be 'witty'.

The 'mauling' description is very true and at my age I don't need it. I have nicer friends.