Will I ever stop feeling like this?

[lilac21]

I was in the theatre with DDs last night and got an email from their dad (almost ExH) in response to my message to him re contact. We have a term time routine, but have been organising holiday dates as we go along because I'm a teacher and around all the time anyway.

He agreed to the dates I proposed, and added "There are some things I would like to discuss with you. Let me know when you are available to talk." My immediate reaction is fear...I read it during the interval, and although I'm out enjoying myself with the girls and we're having a great time, straight away my heart rate went up and I felt anxious and on edge. I have been telling myself that I shouldn't worry, because I have my own house now and the girls are happy and he can't hurt me. My lawyer is just finishing off the divorce petition for his unreasonable behaviour, which he doesn't even know is about to pop through his letterbox, so I know it isn't that he wants to discuss (but the sh*t will really hit the fan then!)

I'm annoyed with myself, I feel like I'm over-reacting to his message and I wanted that time in my life when he could scare me to be behind me, and clearly it isn't

hi lilac - ime this does pass, you have to give yourself some time to heal, it sounds like you have got yourself into a good position with your job, home, dcs - you are not over-reacting, its natural to be anxious about someone who has hurt you in the past.

Give yourself more time. The we need to talk message normally results in panic, even when there is no real reason too.

Just think if you get that message from the headmaster at your school, don't you automatically think of all the things that could have gone wrong? Even though it could be nothing to worry about?

With your ex there is history.

Now, the big piece of advice: Do not switch your phone on or check email when out enjoying yourself, it is acceptible to check for missed calls when DC are with a babysitter, but nothing else!

Think of the worst things he could want to talk to you about:

a) he wants full custody

b) he's going to move so can't see the children as frequently

c) he's getting remarried

d) he's reducing his maintenance (my bet is on this)

e) he wants to get back with you.

Now think of how you'd cope if he suggests any of these situations and then when you do see him it won't be such a shock.

Well it's not a) - he lives two miles away and will happily go 2 weeks without seeing them or contacting them at all.

b) hope so, then he can give me the rest of the money from the sale of the house

c) best get divorced first, but I know he's seeing someone else

d) possible - child support anyway, doesn't pay me anything

e) impossible - least likely of all options!

It may be to do with DD2, we have to apply for high school this autumn. I moved near a great school but have always said nothing has been decided.

Last night I replied, just said "OK, what is it you want to discuss?" I want to be prepared, and to know how urgent it is and whether it matters if the DC are around while I'm on the phone to him.

Hi Lilac21, If you are scared or nervous, insist that you meet in a public place where he is more likely to behave well and you can get help/escape easily. A restaurant is fine, or a park. Otherwise make sure you have someone else at hand, ie babysitting upstairs/in the garden, but not in earshot. Just because HE wants to talk, doesn't mean you have to. If he won't tell you what the topic is, simply fail to make an appointment to talk. Take control. If it is really a nasty/sensitive subject, ask him to write to you or your solicitor.

You will probably only feel really better and really free of him after your decree absolute. You are currently in the most difficult stage. Good Luck

Thanks Baggy (nice name!)

He has just replied to my email, said that he and the girls had a conversation whilst on holiday and he thought I should know about it.

I wonder if he has told them about his new woman, there are enough things lying around his house to give it away so he might as well tell them.

They are nearly 13 and 11 so I am tempted to ask them what they talked about, but they will probably not be able to think of anything significant as he has a different outlook to the rest of us. Whatever it was, I'm glad they talked as he refused to discuss our separation with them at all even when we continued to share a house for over a year.

Hi Lilac21, I expect he pressurised them into agreeing that they would rather live with Dad. They maybe didn't want to upset him by saying they would prefer their Mum. This would be advantageous for him financially. If it is this don't be too surprised. Any interpretation he puts on what your daughters say is Suspect. He will hear only what he wants to hear, and make it really difficult for them to say anything he doesn't want to hear. I hope I am wrong. Anyway, its bound to involve a criticism of you or praise of him. Game playing, typical of this phase of your divorce.

Hugs

So I asked DD1, just said Daddy wants to talk to me about something you talked about last week, and she burst into tears. It turns out I was right, he has told them about his girlfriend. She said he was on the phone to her a lot while they were away (he took both girls to IOW, seems like he would like to take the GF too). DD1 said it is too soon, she doesn't want to meet the GF and she is worried dad will get hurt eg if/when they break up.

I told her to talk to him about how she feels, and that I'm pleased for him as he wasn't happy with me (outright lie, I couldn't give a sh*t actually). I texted him this afternoon but he was in a meeting, is out tonight and suggested we talk tomorrow but I have DDs plus a friend staying over and won't have time.

I suppose we might as well have this conversation before the divorce petition lands on the mat, he won't be talking reasonably to me then.

I found it's when you finally finally let go, that the fear goes too. I understand.