Stuck in a rut?

[isbordemhere]

Hi going to try and keep this vague as I can as I don't want anyone too know our issues

Things have become increasingly strained between me and DH lately. Is it boredom, a rut, or what I don't know what to do.

I do love him, fancy him and can't bare the thought of being without him so we are on the right track! He is lovely when he wants to be, kind, generous, loving. However we have become stuck.

To be fair there is a lot on our plates right now, he has a stressful job, we have issues with our DC and I have been quite poorly.

He has been doing a lot for the house/kids as well as working whilst I have been getting better. But I think he resents me for it, there seems to be the odd comment thrown in.

We don't do anything as a couple anymore really, ok recently I have been ill but now I am better still nothing. It is hard to get a babysitter so that is kind of out. But take tonight, I am upstairs on MN, he is downstairs playing his xbox, so no communication from either party. Why not watch a film, or have sex or something! We have not even kissed, or pecked today just sniping.

I know I should maybe pipe up, but it's his free time too, I just wish he'd want to spend it with me, he dosen't seem to want too.

Sex is becoming a huge issue for me, as it feels like it's when he wants it not me. For example we have gone from approx 4 times a week to say 2. I always think to myself I am going to refuse, unless we have spent a nice evening together, but in the end I find I am just happy for the affection. But it's not affection really he shags me and comes that's it, no foreplay or anything.

He is loving and kisses, cuddles, tells me he loves me etc but (tmi) he thinks if I am slightly wet I must be good to go and in reality it's not the case. I am fed up of quick shags where there is nothing in it for me, but if I say anything I'd be having a go at his performance wouldn't I?

Just wish we could spend more time together, cuddling, watching a film, chatting, having rudey cuddles under the duvet, like we used too. I know post DC it's different, but it's like 2 strangers living in the same house sometimes .

I don't know what to do or where to start.

I can't offer any advice. I know exactly where you are coming from with the exception of the paragraph which starts "he is loving and kisses and cuddles....".

Sadly I think that we are not far off splitting....but if anyone has any offers of advice I would appreciate them too.

I am sorry to hear that. I honestly don't see us lasting either if I am honest.

We came v v v close to splitting 6m ago (although there are other issues in addition to those which you describe)...which would have been instigated by him. In many ways I wish we had done it sooner rather than now - for many reasons.

We are now facing another split now...but instigated by me. I feel happier that this time (if it goes ahead) will be on my terms...but wish I hadn't wasted the last 6m.

There are loads of people on here that will offer more useful advice.

Having said that - TALK - try and turn things arpound. Play a game of cards together...try and do something together rather than bury yourselves in your own independant lives.

However, what I think you need to do is decide whether you can see yourself growing old with this man?

This is my sticking point. I can't see him becoming DH...and think I have decided where to go...but then I think of my reaction if I had a phonecall from A&E to say he had been in an accident and I tie myself in knots again not knowing whether to follow my head or my heart.

Hmm see he is my DH and I do love him, if anything happened or he ran off with an OW, I'd be devastated.

But I can't see us going on like this, I feel sad and lonely which I don't want, I think deep down he is starting to distnace himself from me, and I don't know where to start talking. I think he thinks it's ok to plod on like it, or he just dosen't like being around me anymore.

I am really sorry. I think that if I knew what to suggest and someone had suggested it to me/us 18m ago we wouldn't be where we are today.

Hi,

I'm sorry you're feeling like this, children really do change everything don't they.

Could you organise a 'date'. If babysitters are a problem could you organise a special night in after your lo has gone to bed. Set the date a few days in advance so you both have time to think about it, maybe have a special tea, dress up a bit (with sexy undies!) etc. etc.

Really hope you get back to being a really happy couple again

S
x

Just read these posts...a man here BTW. Can't offer much either really....all you can do is be patient, and coax the issues from him over time. How long has it been this way?

In a very similar position in lots of ways to you IBH. Wife with long term illness, 2 children, and money worries. It brings lots of stress to the home environment. We've become strangers as well in a way.

Further, as an aside, due to above illness, no sex for going on 6 years. Tough, some of you may say, but as a 40 something that, due to 8 months of running and keep fit and an increased sex drive, it does get frustrating at times! Just saying that from the angle of, "there's always someone worse off than you" type thing.

So, stick with it, try to keep talking and things will work out.