What can I do to make my marriage better?

[Strawberrycornetto]

DH and I are going through a rough patch. I really want to make things better but don't know how to go about it. There are lots of things making me unhappy and it's hard to get him to listen so I thought I would write a letter. But it's long and I am worried he will read it and feel angered and hurt and it will make things worse.

Anyone had counselling as a couple and have any tips for getting these kind of issues across in a constructive way? It's normal problems for a couple with two small children and busy jobs but I am feeling very unhappy and think things between us may be permanently damaged if we can't fix things now.

I'm probably going to be flamed for this, but I think you could do worse than pick up "The proper care & feeding of husbands"

Essentially it says that men and women communicate in different ways and may give you some helpful tips in how to frame your concerns and how to make things better.

But it will only be of any help if your DH is a decent person and there are no fundamental cracks between you.

What are the things that are making you unhappy, would it help to discuss them here ?

Can you break down the points you are not happy with and give yourselves a specific time and a neutral place to discuss one issue at a time. Have an agreed agenda....."tonight could we talk about...."

Hi Strawberry, yes I've had couples counselling with my DH (he was then my DP) and it was amazing. Tough, gruelling etc but he had problems listening to me because of stuff that happened in his childhood and reacted badly when I tried to bring things up - like I was getting at him or criticising him. Once we started going to counselling, it gave us a forum where a third party could ask questions rather than it just being me.

FWIW I convinced him to go to counselling by stressing it wasn't about anyone being at fault but about us, as a couple, being happier and finding ways to get on better.

I am not sure we could have worked through the issues that were scuppering us without an objective counsellor. But if you want some tips, I can try although they might sound quite cliched...

The first thing I became aware of is that sometimes he just needs to go off in a grump - as long as he doesn't take it out on me, I just have to let him. There was also a really good tip I got about how to express myself - so instead of saying "you make me feel like crap when you xyz" the counsellor suggested I said "when you do xyz, I feel like crap." Only a small thing but it made him feel less picked on.

I know it sounds obvious but I had got into a rut of banging on about things until he gave me an answer rather than saying something, making sure he understood and then moving on so he could have time to think about it and get back to me when he was ready.

The other reason counselling worked was it gave us a set time to talk about "us" so for the rest of the time, we could just get on with enjoying each other's company. Do you think he would consider counselling?

If your letter is worded sensitively, I am sure it will be a good thing to get him thinking about you and your relationship. You can take the pressure off by explaining you want to give him a letter so he can read it in his own time and pick a time when he is ready to talk about it. You could also say (I did this a lot) that you know you might not have found the right words and that you are not blaming him but you needed a starting point to share how you were feeling.

I do think that if you are unhappy enough to write a letter you do need to do something though. I think DH and I wouldn't have lasted without really talking properly about things.

It might feel really uncomfortable because you don't want to rock the boat but it will be worth it in the end.

Good luck with it - I am sure you are doing the right thing as that kind of unhappiness only festers if you don't deal with it.

And remember that you do deserve to be happy

Rookie - that is such a good point. I was flumuxed by my DH's initial inability to talk to me like my friends did and then just got my head round the peculiarities of male communication! They do make sense in their own way ...

Thanks, that is helpful advice.

I had some counselling myself last year and I really believe it can be helpful. It has resulted in some major changes for me personally but our relationship is a specific issue that we both need to work on.

I agree with the communication thing. I think my counsellor may have said about your point Pixie - in terms of phrasing things so as not to be accusatory, so I am trying to do that in the letter. I like the idea of breaking it down into bits at a time, as I feel at the moment it is too much and will be upsetting for him. I don't want to upset him as such, just make things better between us.

In terms of what is wrong, I just typed it once and it sounds wrong, its hard to explain, but I feel we have become lost to each other - no intimacy between us and then we both seem to snipe a lot. His job makes things really hard for me and I know i am bitter and resentful about it. I feel he is quite selfish, but I also know there are two sides to everything and I suspect he will have legitimate complaints about me too. He's not a bad person but I do still feel unhappy.

Pixie's point about unhappiness festering is also really true - that's kind of where we are I think. I have had a tough couple of months - we moved in May and since then things have been hard all round. I feel I've reached the point where I am very unhappy and want to make things better with us and that if we don't deal with the problems now, it will be too late.

any precipitating factors-work/stress/money.or has the rift grown?do you both ackmowledge a rift- what do you and he put it down to

what do you want to do
what does he want
have a cards on the table discussion

can someone babysit let you go out,be adults enjoy each other company?

plenty marriages overcome stress and strain,and counselling might work too

good luck

I think its work and child stress and taking our eye off each other and so we're not very happy together.

I don't think he does acknowledge that there is a rift though, and that's why its so hard to talk about it with him, because he just gets so defensive and then he switches off and refuses to talk to me at all.

Classic example, last night we were talking about our move and I said I felt a bit homesick for our old area. He got all huffy and then he turned over and completely turned away from me and he went completely silent. Its really hard to talk when the other person won't engage. That's why I thought counselling might help.

I hope we can overcome this - I've been really worried it might be more serious than that.

maybe denial is his coping strategy and discussion scares the drawers of him.maybe like you he is scared and hurt too

SC it does sound like something that can be overcome. At the minute though you are both stuck in a spiral of behaviour where he interprets what you say as criticism and therefore clams up and it appears as if you spend a lot of your time analysing and voicing your concerns in the relationship.

I agree that it is hard work when DCs are young and you are both working. Maybe concentrate on the practical stuff, can you do anything about this, get a cleaner, make life easier for yourself. Your DH may not be the issue it could just be that you have too much on board and you need to decide what is important and what you can let go.

Try and figure out what is potentially fixable and what is ingrained in your DHs character i.e. if he is a whorkaholic you probably aren't going to change that.

Time out with your partner is good. It is probably not good though if you spend that time discussing your issues, maybe try to arrange a night out doing something fun like cinema or pub quiz (please don't rubbish my suggestions am middle aged). Maybe try to engage with him on a physical level by giving him a massage, DH loves those.